Tag Archives: tories

Food bank users could eat insects instead, claims Michael Gove

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Food bank users could eat insects instead, Michael Gove has claimed.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said:”With the cost of food rising in line with the will of people, more and more families are failing to manage their finances properly and are having to rely on food banks. Clearly, we need to rethink how ordinary families eat.”

“Eating insects is an environmentally friendly and financially responsible alternative to real food. If snails are good enough for the French, then why aren’t insects good enough for the feckless British?”

“Together with social injustice warrior Iain Duncan Smith, I have written to the Prime Minister today to call for the creation of a national network of insect banks, which will allow private investors to profit from the destitution of the poorest and most vulnerable in our brave new society.”

“Administration of the new insect banks will be outsourced to G4S, who will use benefit claimants to harvest and package the most nourishing insects, from post-Brexit fields of rotten, unpicked vegetables.”

Retired Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “As someone who is retired and financially comfortable, I welcome the idea of degrading and privatising public services that I no longer rely on myself.”

“I voted for Brexit, but only on the understanding that other people would pay for it with their money, tears and in some cases blood.”


Sex toy purchase was actually just research about continental sexual practices, claims Tory minister

A Conservative minister who was caught sending his female assistant to buy toys from a sex shop was merely conducting research into continental sexual practices, it has been announced.

Speaking outside his family home alongside his wife, International Trade minister Mark Garnier told reporters: “I’m not going to deny it, because I’m not going to be dishonest.”

“I did send my secretary to the sex shop to buy vibrators, but only as part of an international research project to study the sexual practices of continental Europeans.”

“As a Conservative politician I am among the most honest and trustworthy people in the country. I would not lie about something like this.”

“I would never have used these devices myself, as I only like to shag in the missionary position while fantasizing about the glory of Brexit.”

The Prime Minister added: “I am relieved that Mark Garnier has now cleared up the unfortunate misunderstanding about his entirely innocent recent purchase of sex toys, and his entirely harmless erotic banter with his female secretary.”

“I would also like to thank the BBC for downplaying this scandal in the national interest, while continuing to hold Labour MPs to account for much less offensive remarks made a long time before they entered politics.”


Five areas in England to pilot exclusion of young and poor voters

Voters in five areas in England will be asked to take identification to polling stations at local elections next year as part of a pilot scheme to preferentially exclude demographic groups who are unlikely to vote Conservative.

People in Woking, Gosport, Bromley, Watford and Slough will be asked to take different forms of ID with them to see which does the best job of excluding the young and the poor.

The Electoral Commission recommended three years ago that voters be asked to prove their identity after Conservatives expressed growing fears about losing power.

Minister Chris Skidmark said the aim was to ensure the system was “secure from people with socialist ideals”.

Reports of “personation” in polling stations – votes cast in someone else’s name – increased from 21 in 2014 to 44 in 2016, and are a convenient excuse to crack down on voters who would never dream of ever voting Tory.

Mr Skidmark said the current situation meant it was harder to take out a library book or collect a parcel than it was to get the young, poor or disabled to vote for a Conservative candidate.

He told the Newscrasher: “We currently have a situation where people can go into the ballot station, point out their name on the register, don’t need to provide any information to prove that they intend to vote Conservative.”

He said it was corrosive to democracy if people did not believe  Conservative, Pro-Brexit rule was secure from sabotage from anti-British socialists.

“At the moment we simply don’t know if people are impersonating one another or not. We just need to make sure that the system is secure enough.”

For some years, voters in Northern Ireland have had to prove their identity at polling stations.

But Tom Brake, for the Liberal Democrats, described the latest proposals as “a completely unnecessary move that risks undermining our democracy by preventing millions of people from voting”.

“My party royally shafted the young during its time in coalition with David Cameron, but we’re now asking people to trust us once more because the days of Libdems betraying their voters to get ministerial positions are well and truly behind us.”

“Evidence from around the world tells us forcing voters to bring ID won’t stop determined fraudsters, but is likely to led to even lower turnouts amongst young people and minority groups.”


Tories slam Corbyn for ‘politicising’ a disaster their policies created

Tories and their supporters on social media have criticised Jeremy Corbyn for ‘politicising’ the Grenfell Tower disaster that happened as a result of negligent Tory policies, it has emerged.

Former Housing Minister Gavin Barwell said: “I wish people, including Jeremy Corbyn, would stop pointing out that there is an obvious connection between Conservative policy and the disappointing incident that has occurred in Grenfell Tower.”

“People should be left in peace, without assistance from the government, and with their mourning carefully managed by the authorities to ensure nobody gets too angry at the Conservative politicians responsible.”

“What we now need is some time to establish the facts, whether there was indeed a fire as some have suggested in the media, and whether it affected any valuable Conservative voters in this marginal constituency.”

“Meanwhile, our friends at the Sun and the Daily Mail are busy figuring out whether there are any foreign or brown-skinned residents they can scapegoat. Once they’re ready and we have our cover up strategy in place, the risk to national security will be over and the Home Office will then be able to lift its D-Notice.”

The response from far-right extremist group Britain First has been predictable. Paul Golding, the group’s leader, attending the scene to harass Muslims, issued a public statement saying that “a bad thing has happened and I call on Theresa May to institute full Nazism right now, not the half-arsed crypto-fascism she currently favours.”

One Twitter user wrote: “Corbyn has no right to look prime-ministerial by meeting ordinary people from the area, offering his support as they come to terms with the tragedy that has taken place. Why can’t he behave in a more cowardly fashion and avoid any contact with local people, like brave Theresa May did last night.”



Tories launch inquiry into FAILURE of electoral fraud schemes

Senior Conservative figures have launched an urgent inquiry into the failure of electoral fraud schemes in several marginal constituencies, it has emerged.

One Tory insider told Newscrasher: “After the shock discovery of our 2015 electoral fraud scheme, the party formulated a plan involving accidental administrative errors that would help Conservative candidates in marginal constituencies, but with a greater level of plausible deniability than last time.”

“For example, in Plymouth a large number of postal ballots went missing, ostensibly caused by an unlikely sequence of human errors at the city’s Conservative-UKIP council, which benefited the Conservative candidate at the expense of Labour.”

“And then in the final declaration of the results, a strongly Labour voting ward was accidentally left out of the final tally, taking many more votes from Labour than from the Tories.”

Accusations of electoral fraud or incompetence have been leveled at officials in other areas too. In Newcastle-under-Lyme, a large number of students were turned away from voting by officials who had been given an older electoral register, but some returned in the final hours of polling to cast the winning votes for Labour candidate.

A Conservative former minister said:”Fraud is one of several techniques my party uses to compete with parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, who actually try to win elections honestly and with proposals to improve the lives or ordinary people.”

“Things like electoral fraud, gerrymandering and tabloid smear campaigns are crucial for maintaining a level playing field against Labour, but the prospect of any of these schemes losing its effectiveness strikes terror into the heart of many in the Conservative party.”

“So it is deeply troubling that some of our electoral fraud schemes failed this time, and an urgent inquiry is now being conducted to find out what went wrong, and how we can make it work in the general election that will be called later this year when the meltdown of Theresa May’s government comes to a head.”


Trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, plead senior Tories

Just trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, senior Tories have pleaded.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “My party lied or cheated in every single general election we have ever won.”

“But this time the people should definitely trust us with the economy which we always put into recession, and the public services which we always destroy.”

“The public have to know that if they don’t vote Tory this time, then Labour might get in and start doing things like revitalising the economy and properly funding things like education and the NHS, and that would represent a major threat to our national security.”

“Voters who are considering voting Labour must also realise that even if they agree with many of Jeremy Corbyn’ policies, the man is totally unelectable like all previous Labour leaders.”

“Except of course for Tony Blair, who made a pact with Rupert Murdoch to gain his backing for the 1997 general election.”

Member of the public Chris Bumfield, from Plymouth, said: “The Tories have lied and abandoned their election promises before, but I’m willing to give them a seventh chance because in the Sun I read something about Jeremy Corbyn being a dangerous far right extremist and unelectable.”


Tories to fight election on platform of killing the disabled

The Conservative Party plans to fight the general election on a platform of killing the disabled, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC’s Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “We’ve been hounding disabled people to death for several years now with huge public support.”

“And because we’ve now got a costly Red, White and Blue Brexit to pay for, we’re going to need to get even more brutal to the disabled, the poor, and children.”

“If my party secures a majority in Parliament, we will bring forward legislation that will create a Ministry for the Persecution of the Vulnerable, to be headed by former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith.”

“Iain is a veteran campaigner for the right of the poor and disabled to be punished for their poor life style choices and inferior genetics, and I am sure any information gathered from his infamous fact-finding mission to Auschwitz will be most useful in his new role.”

Former Labour voter Chris Bumfield from Bolton said: “I voted Labour all my life, but quite recently I’ve started believing the lies and propaganda that the Tories and their mates in the media have been putting out, and I’m now considering voting Conservative as a result.”

“Theresa May and the Sun both want me to believe that it is the Conservative Party that has my interests at heart, not the terrorist supporting Jeremy Corbyn whose hard-left policies include unthinkable things like having an NHS and making sure children do not starve to death.”

“So I’ll be voting Conservative this time because they are intent on exacerbating virtually all of the issues currently facing ordinary people in Britain, and also because I have extreme poor critical thinking abilities.”


Conservative Party changes name to National Socialist British Workers’ Party

The Conservative Party has changed its name to the National Socialist British Worker’s Party to recognise its new role as a party of bigots and xenophobes who pretend to work for the interests of workers.

Speaking in her capacity as government spokesperson on secondment to the BBC, Laura Kuenssberg said: “Once again the Conservatives have outsmarted Jeremy Corbyn, who is unelectable because I said so.”

“By claiming the Nazi centre ground of British politics, the Conservatives have made themselves the party of the future, as long as you don’t mind it being a dystopian future from a film like the Matrix, where ordinary people are bred to be little more than livestock for the ruling elite.”

“And following in the footsteps of Adolf Hitler, the Tories believe that the key to winning over the public is to use what Hitler called the ‘colossal lie'”.

“It would never come into the public’s head to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The overall idea is to pretend that the Tories are somehow the party of the workers, when in reality we just do everything possible to ruin the lives of working people.”

“This may seem dishonest, but telling colossal lies is the only way the Tories would ever manage to get into power, and all we’re doing is fighting to overcome public prejudice against evil bastards who enjoy making poor people suffer.”



Tories promise to achieve 0% renewable energy by end of 2019

The government will kill off renewable energy production by the end of 2019, it has been announced.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change said: “Renewable energy poses a clear and present financial danger to some of the most important Tory donors and voters in Britain.”

“This includes people who have a vested financial interest in fossil-fuels, arms manufacturers looking to profit from heightened levels of conflict due to climate change, and Tory-voting NIMBY’s who object to the presence of wind farms in the general vicinity of their houses.”

“Therefore, we are left with no choice except to crush renewable energy production through punitive taxation, with a goal of reaching 0 per cent renewable energy production by the end of 2019.”

“To help this government’s anti-renewable campaign, our collaborators at the Daily Mail have agreed to run fake news stories that will demonise renewable energy as a cause of cancer, imposed on this country by unelected Eurocrats.”

The Minister added: “The BBC will also be asked to call renewable energy as ‘alt-energy’, and there will be an attempt to discredit renewables by associating the technology with Jeremy Corbyn.”


No evidence for massive Russian involvement in EU referendum, say politicians who benefited from it

There is ‘no evidence’ for massive Russian involvement in the EU referendum, according to politicians who benefited from it.

A cabinet source told Newscrasher: “The Prime  Minister is very grateful to Vladimir Putin for all the clandestine funding and assistance he has given the Tories and UKIP in recent years, without which she would not have been able to take power and turn the country into a fascist dictatorship.”

“However, the government still maintains there is no real evidence for corrupt Russian involvement in the EU referendum, because it would be really inconvenient and people might finally recognise us for the corrupt shits we truly are.”

“The same goes for the 2015 general election which my party won by committing massive electoral fraud, again helped by Russian money.”

Commenting on recent revelations about Russian meddling in British politics, Nigel Farage said: “When Hillary Clinton first exposed me as a Russian agent working to destabilise Europe and the UK for personal financial gain, I was initially quite worried that my time on the gravy train might be up.”

“But then I remembered that a majority of the British public are actually stupid enough to believe anything that a far-right demagogue like me tells them, even when I put out full-on Nazi propaganda.”

Further reading: The Kremlin’s Trojan Horses