Tag Archives: tories

We’re sorry we got caught, says government that knowingly imprisoned and deported British citizens

The Government has apologised unreservedly for getting caught violating the rights of British citizens, it has been reported.

A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “The Prime Minister is sorry she got caught violating the rights of thousands of British citizens, and she is prepared to make amends by granting all Windrush immigrants the British citizenship they have legally had for decades already.”

“When she had their landing cards destroyed as Home Secretary, the future Prime Minister had no idea that several years later she would decide to illegally imprison and deport Windrush Britons from their own country as part of a drive to please racist Little Englanders.”

“Even though it is clear that she is to blame herself, the PM now calls on Jeremy Corbyn to take full responsibility and resign over this regretable affair.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg commented: “This is yet another colossal fuck up by the Conservatives, but we’re too busy holding the opposition to account to report an issue as trivial as the massive violation of the rights of British citizens.”

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Acclaimed musician slams Tories and ‘self serving’ May

I recently had the pleasure of hooking up with critically acclaimed Jazz musician Sean Khan to chat about Moment of Collapse, the first single from his new album Palmares Fantasia, and its connection to current British and World politics.

We meet in a little-known tea house located within Oporto’s arts quarter, and while we wait for our Rooibos tea, I ask Sean what inspired the lyrics of Moment of Collapse.

Sean: “Moment of Collapse is a little connection to what’s happening at the moment with the world going through a political crisis, partly fueled by the uncertainty of Brexit and the uncertainty of what’s going on in the States with Trump.”

“It’s a message that people should try to come together, instead of looking to move away. We’ve been there before in the thirties and it was absolutely disastrous for Humanity. It’s shocking that people just don’t want to look at that and try and learn from that.”

Me: So there’s a strong political message behind this track.

Sean: “I’d say it’s actually more of a humanist message to be honest. Politics basically is just words and theories, but here I’m trying to reach out with a message that’s more spiritual than political.”

“People are worried about their jobs, whether they can  get through the year financially, they’re worried about their kids. And then we get these professional provocateurs like Nigel Farage, who come in with the most ridiculous messages about blaming foreigners or taking back control, and people are starting to listen to them again because the global culture has become so dumbed-down. Don’t listen to them, don’t follow these people — that’s a message I wanted to convey with Moment of Collapse.”

We agree that the public generally know there are big problems in modern Britain, but not enough people have worked out that the real cause is not the EU, foreigners, or any of the other scapegoats that the right have pointed the finger at.

Sean: “That’s the great illusion; it was used in the thirties by fascist groups and it’s an age-old rehash of the same nonsense, the economic system is in crisis due to the way it’s run. It’s not really run on purely capitalist lines, it’s run on corporate lines which is very different.”

“Capitalist thinkers often quote Adam Smith, but he wouldn’t recognise what they are doing in his name, exploiting individual talent, doesn’t mean you have to exploit whole groups of people, and then blame everyone else when the system fails.”

Inevitably, I ask Sean what he thinks about Jeremy Corbyn.

Sean: “Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the rubbish that’s been written about him. This whole  political class has failed large groups of people, and we’ve got to look closely at what Corbyn is putting forward, whether he’s going to seriously tackle the crises in the NHS, in education and elsewhere. Fundamental societal structures have got to be reinforced in a crisis, not taken away.”

“I’m not a rabid left winger per se, I’m just looking at the faults of the system. I completely agree with allowing the individual to exploit their talents to earn a living, but there also have to be systems in place to help people less fortunate, and if we get rid of those systems society becomes less civil and we all suffer the consequences. This is what Moment of Collapse is all about.”

“In recent years the public have only ever really had a choice between seriously corporate global capitalist leaders or rabid right wingers. It’s a false choice that I don’t want and I doubt most other people want it either. There needs to be a proper alternative that doesn’t involve the complete crushing of the individual that most forms of communism advocate.”

Me: What’s your take on what Noel Gallagher recently said about Corbyn? (“F*** Jeremy Corbyn, he’s a communist”.)

Sean: (laughs) “Did he really say that! I don’t want to insult Noel Gallagher because he’s a tough guy, but pop music by its nature is not very deep music, and the guy’s obviously said something that’s a bit silly and throwaway. When you get celebrities getting involved in politics at a really facile level like this it can be a little embarrassing.”

“I don’t expect Noel is affected by this government’s austerity policies at all, but quite a lot of the people who listen to him will be, and it’s quite sad to think that he may have turned some of his fans away from a Labour leader who, for all his faults, is probably represents the best chance we currently have to fix this broken country.”

“No, I don’t think Corbyn’s a communist, and his left wing ideals are really being overstated by Noel and loads of others. People need to step back and understand what Marxism or communism actually means, and it’s a far cry from what Corbyn is proposing.”

“On the other hand, Theresa May is appalling. She’s self-serving, only interested in staying power, and has no regard for the people she’s meant to be serving. It’s really obvious that she’s got into bed with rabid nationalists just to maintain her power. And when you’ve got even Tory rebels saying hang on, this is the wrong move, it’s obvious there’s something seriously wrong with this picture.”

Palmares Fantasy is available to preview and order here.

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Only WE are allowed to kill people on British streets, Tories tell Russia

Only WE are allowed to kill people on the streets of Britain, the Tories have told Russia.

Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference, Theresa May said: “We will never tolerate a threat to the life of British citizens from Russia. Only this Conservative Government has a legitimate mandate to kill people with impunity on the streets of Britain.”

“The rule of law. Freedom of speech. The toleration of dissenting and minority views. A free press. Fair and democratic elections. A thriving civil society. These are the foundation stones of human freedom, and are all things that I have worked hard to erode during my time in office, first as Home Secretary, and now as Prime Minister.”

Former Minister Iain Duncan Smith said: “We have worked hard to set up our inhumane and punitive system of ever reducing social welfare, which has killed countless thousands of the poorest and most vulnerablem and it is an utter outrage to have Russian agents coming over here and killing people in the streets.

“Only I deserve to bask in the glory of taking the lives of unsuspecting members of the public, through my cruel welfare reforms.”

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Senior Tories pledge to lead first wave of British troops in new Russia war

Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.

Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”

“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”

“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”

“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”

“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”

“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”

A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not  understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”

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Tory council to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless

By Dorothy Hotdog
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.

Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”

“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”

“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”

Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”

The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.

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Suffragettes to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, says Theresa May

The Suffragettes are to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, Theresa May has announced.

“It is 100 years since women were granted the vote, and clearly the best way to honour the Suffragettes is to criminalise their actions with draconian new laws that will finally crush freedom of expression once and for all.”

“Everyone knows that protesting against Conservative MPs was  always meant to be a criminal offence, and that’s what the people definitely voted for in the EU referendum.”

“My new laws will close the particular loophole that allows peaceful protest against right wing politicians who embody the sacred will of the people. The will of the people must triumph over trivialities like democracy, human rights, or economic competence.”

“There can be no special treatment for the Suffragettes, who will need to be dug up and jailed like everybody else who violates our tough new anti protest laws.”

“As it happens, new information discovered by the Daily Mail shows that the Suffragettes were in fact violent anarchist Momentum supporters, and we will be asking Jeremy Corbyn to reign them in despite him having no actual connection to them whatsoever.”

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Tories launch new ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign to attract young social media users

The Conservatives have launched a new social media campaign with the intention of attracting young people who use social media, it has been reported.

A spokesman for the ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign said: “Young people often display shockingly high levels of compassion towards others, including foreigners and the disabled, due to a social media bubble that gives them a worryingly broader and more truthful picture of politics and world events.”

“If the Conservative Party is to survive, Britain’s decline into humanism and civilised behaviour must be urgently reversed. And that is why today, we are proud to launch our ‘Hate not Hope’ social media campaign.”

“We have literally hundreds of engaging tweets and memes ready and waiting to infect the minds of the young, to turn them into raving Tory bastards.”

“Our first tweet will give a list of ten reasons why it’s cool to hate foreigners and the disabled.”

“And if that one doesn’t work, our seven reasons why socialists are hypocrites if they own their own home surely will.”

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Youngsters not mature enough to understand the benefits of fascism, says Theresa May

People between the ages of 16 and 18 simply do not have the maturity to understand the true benefits of having a fascist government, Theresa May has explained.

Speaking during her visit to China, the Prime Minister said: “The recent suggestion to allow 16 and 17 year olds to vote in national elections and referenda is misguided, and does not take into account the fact that young people are too immature to understand the benefits of fascism.”

“They are also not mature enough to uncritically accept right wing propaganda from low quality newspapers like the Sun, instead turning to social media to find out what’s really going on in the world. I wish they would see the light and just let hatred of others determine the way they vote.”

“The very fact that young people are more likely to support Jeremy Corbyn, and their preference for unaffordable things like properly funded public services just shows how unrealistic they are.”

“Young people need to understand that the future does not belong to them, it belongs to me and I shall ruin the future exactly how I please, especially if it benefits older or wealthier people who support my Party.”

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‘Fake news’ was never a problem back when only we did it, say Tories

So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.

The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”

“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”

“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”

“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”

“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”

“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”

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People somehow surprised to learn Tories are into eugenics

People are somehow surprised to learn that Tories are into eugenics, it has been found.

Undecided voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am genuinely surprised to learn that an extreme right-wing party that hates foreigners and the disabled also contains people who support eugenics.”

“Toby Young went to a secret conference on eugenics, but he says he sat at the back and didn’t participate so that makes it all OK, apparently.”

“There’s also Ben Bradley who suggested that unemployed people should have vasectomies to prevent their genes being passed down to future generations.”

“That’s some appallingly Nazi shit right there, and presumably Theresa May knew about it all when she appointed them to their new positions.”

“However, I still might vote Tory at the next election because apparently Labour are just as bad, according to what right wing propagandists says I should think in my brain.”

“I mean, on the one hand you’ve got a right wing party of lying Tories who secretly want to dismantle all public services and force millions of working families into poverty and an early grave, versus a party of left-wing humanists who want to provide well-funded public services and investment in education and infrastructure. It’s such a hard choice because they’re all the same aren’t they.”

“In the end I’ll probably still vote Tory because Theresa May is a woman and that makes her progressive, and I have taken a vague dislike of Jeremy Corbyn due to all the dishonest smears he has been subjected to in the right wing press.”

“Another major reason I will probably vote Tory is that I’m a selfish, heartless cunt.”

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