Tag Archives: tories

Tories slam Corbyn for ‘politicising’ a disaster their policies created

Tories and their supporters on social media have criticised Jeremy Corbyn for ‘politicising’ the Grenfell Tower disaster that happened as a result of negligent Tory policies, it has emerged.

Former Housing Minister Gavin Barwell said: “I wish people, including Jeremy Corbyn, would stop pointing out that there is an obvious connection between Conservative policy and the disappointing incident that has occurred in Grenfell Tower.”

“People should be left in peace, without assistance from the government, and with their mourning carefully managed by the authorities to ensure nobody gets too angry at the Conservative politicians responsible.”

“What we now need is some time to establish the facts, whether there was indeed a fire as some have suggested in the media, and whether it affected any valuable Conservative voters in this marginal constituency.”

“Meanwhile, our friends at the Sun and the Daily Mail are busy figuring out whether there are any foreign or brown-skinned residents they can scapegoat. Once they’re ready and we have our cover up strategy in place, the risk to national security will be over and the Home Office will then be able to lift its D-Notice.”

The response from far-right extremist group Britain First has been predictable. Paul Golding, the group’s leader, attending the scene to harass Muslims, issued a public statement saying that “a bad thing has happened and I call on Theresa May to institute full Nazism right now, not the half-arsed crypto-fascism she currently favours.”

One Twitter user wrote: “Corbyn has no right to look prime-ministerial by meeting ordinary people from the area, offering his support as they come to terms with the tragedy that has taken place. Why can’t he behave in a more cowardly fashion and avoid any contact with local people, like brave Theresa May did last night.”

 

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Tories launch inquiry into FAILURE of electoral fraud schemes

Senior Conservative figures have launched an urgent inquiry into the failure of electoral fraud schemes in several marginal constituencies, it has emerged.

One Tory insider told Newscrasher: “After the shock discovery of our 2015 electoral fraud scheme, the party formulated a plan involving accidental administrative errors that would help Conservative candidates in marginal constituencies, but with a greater level of plausible deniability than last time.”

“For example, in Plymouth a large number of postal ballots went missing, ostensibly caused by an unlikely sequence of human errors at the city’s Conservative-UKIP council, which benefited the Conservative candidate at the expense of Labour.”

“And then in the final declaration of the results, a strongly Labour voting ward was accidentally left out of the final tally, taking many more votes from Labour than from the Tories.”

Accusations of electoral fraud or incompetence have been leveled at officials in other areas too. In Newcastle-under-Lyme, a large number of students were turned away from voting by officials who had been given an older electoral register, but some returned in the final hours of polling to cast the winning votes for Labour candidate.

A Conservative former minister said:”Fraud is one of several techniques my party uses to compete with parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, who actually try to win elections honestly and with proposals to improve the lives or ordinary people.”

“Things like electoral fraud, gerrymandering and tabloid smear campaigns are crucial for maintaining a level playing field against Labour, but the prospect of any of these schemes losing its effectiveness strikes terror into the heart of many in the Conservative party.”

“So it is deeply troubling that some of our electoral fraud schemes failed this time, and an urgent inquiry is now being conducted to find out what went wrong, and how we can make it work in the general election that will be called later this year when the meltdown of Theresa May’s government comes to a head.”

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Trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, plead senior Tories

Just trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, senior Tories have pleaded.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “My party lied or cheated in every single general election we have ever won.”

“But this time the people should definitely trust us with the economy which we always put into recession, and the public services which we always destroy.”

“The public have to know that if they don’t vote Tory this time, then Labour might get in and start doing things like revitalising the economy and properly funding things like education and the NHS, and that would represent a major threat to our national security.”

“Voters who are considering voting Labour must also realise that even if they agree with many of Jeremy Corbyn’ policies, the man is totally unelectable like all previous Labour leaders.”

“Except of course for Tony Blair, who made a pact with Rupert Murdoch to gain his backing for the 1997 general election.”

Member of the public Chris Bumfield, from Plymouth, said: “The Tories have lied and abandoned their election promises before, but I’m willing to give them a seventh chance because in the Sun I read something about Jeremy Corbyn being a dangerous far right extremist and unelectable.”

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Tories to fight election on platform of killing the disabled

The Conservative Party plans to fight the general election on a platform of killing the disabled, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC’s Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “We’ve been hounding disabled people to death for several years now with huge public support.”

“And because we’ve now got a costly Red, White and Blue Brexit to pay for, we’re going to need to get even more brutal to the disabled, the poor, and children.”

“If my party secures a majority in Parliament, we will bring forward legislation that will create a Ministry for the Persecution of the Vulnerable, to be headed by former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith.”

“Iain is a veteran campaigner for the right of the poor and disabled to be punished for their poor life style choices and inferior genetics, and I am sure any information gathered from his infamous fact-finding mission to Auschwitz will be most useful in his new role.”

Former Labour voter Chris Bumfield from Bolton said: “I voted Labour all my life, but quite recently I’ve started believing the lies and propaganda that the Tories and their mates in the media have been putting out, and I’m now considering voting Conservative as a result.”

“Theresa May and the Sun both want me to believe that it is the Conservative Party that has my interests at heart, not the terrorist supporting Jeremy Corbyn whose hard-left policies include unthinkable things like having an NHS and making sure children do not starve to death.”

“So I’ll be voting Conservative this time because they are intent on exacerbating virtually all of the issues currently facing ordinary people in Britain, and also because I have extreme poor critical thinking abilities.”

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Conservative Party changes name to National Socialist British Workers’ Party

The Conservative Party has changed its name to the National Socialist British Worker’s Party to recognise its new role as a party of bigots and xenophobes who pretend to work for the interests of workers.

Speaking in her capacity as government spokesperson on secondment to the BBC, Laura Kuenssberg said: “Once again the Conservatives have outsmarted Jeremy Corbyn, who is unelectable because I said so.”

“By claiming the Nazi centre ground of British politics, the Conservatives have made themselves the party of the future, as long as you don’t mind it being a dystopian future from a film like the Matrix, where ordinary people are bred to be little more than livestock for the ruling elite.”

“And following in the footsteps of Adolf Hitler, the Tories believe that the key to winning over the public is to use what Hitler called the ‘colossal lie'”.

“It would never come into the public’s head to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The overall idea is to pretend that the Tories are somehow the party of the workers, when in reality we just do everything possible to ruin the lives of working people.”

“This may seem dishonest, but telling colossal lies is the only way the Tories would ever manage to get into power, and all we’re doing is fighting to overcome public prejudice against evil bastards who enjoy making poor people suffer.”

 

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Tories promise to achieve 0% renewable energy by end of 2019

The government will kill off renewable energy production by the end of 2019, it has been announced.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change said: “Renewable energy poses a clear and present financial danger to some of the most important Tory donors and voters in Britain.”

“This includes people who have a vested financial interest in fossil-fuels, arms manufacturers looking to profit from heightened levels of conflict due to climate change, and Tory-voting NIMBY’s who object to the presence of wind farms in the general vicinity of their houses.”

“Therefore, we are left with no choice except to crush renewable energy production through punitive taxation, with a goal of reaching 0 per cent renewable energy production by the end of 2019.”

“To help this government’s anti-renewable campaign, our collaborators at the Daily Mail have agreed to run fake news stories that will demonise renewable energy as a cause of cancer, imposed on this country by unelected Eurocrats.”

The Minister added: “The BBC will also be asked to call renewable energy as ‘alt-energy’, and there will be an attempt to discredit renewables by associating the technology with Jeremy Corbyn.”

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No evidence for massive Russian involvement in EU referendum, say politicians who benefited from it

There is ‘no evidence’ for massive Russian involvement in the EU referendum, according to politicians who benefited from it.

A cabinet source told Newscrasher: “The Prime¬† Minister is very grateful to Vladimir Putin for all the clandestine funding and assistance he has given the Tories and UKIP in recent years, without which she would not have been able to take power and turn the country into a fascist dictatorship.”

“However, the government still maintains there is no real evidence for corrupt Russian involvement in the EU referendum, because it would be really inconvenient and people might finally recognise us for the corrupt shits we truly are.”

“The same goes for the 2015 general election which my party won by committing massive electoral fraud, again helped by Russian money.”

Commenting on recent revelations about Russian meddling in British politics, Nigel Farage said: “When Hillary Clinton first exposed me as a Russian agent working to destabilise Europe and the UK for personal financial gain, I was initially quite worried that my time on the gravy train might be up.”

“But then I remembered that a majority of the British public are actually stupid enough to believe anything that a far-right demagogue like me tells them, even when I put out full-on Nazi propaganda.”

Further reading: The Kremlin’s Trojan Horses

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Senior Tories outraged as student burns banknote of too low value

By Jeff Sanchez and Horace McSavage

Senior Tories have been left outraged after a Cambridge student burned a banknote of too low value in front of a homeless person, it has emerged.

The controversy arose after an undergraduate at the university was seen to burn a 20 pound note in front of a homeless person, as part of the initiation ceremony of a club for heartless Tory bastards.

The incident appears to have split the Conservative Party, with some believing the student in question should have used a single banknote of much higher value for greater effect, while other Conservatives have instead argued that burning a large bundle of 20 pound notes would have been more appropriate due to the additional upset it could potentially cause to the rough sleeper.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party said: “There may be disagreement about the technical details of how it was done, but the Conservative Party is in unanimous agreement that the homeless are workshy layabouts whose poor lifestyle choices need to be disincentivised by this kind of direct action.”

Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith added: “Based on his callous behaviour, this brave young man has all the makings of a first class Conservative politician. Now, if he can also bring himself to fuck the head of a dead pig, then he may even become Prime Minister one day.”

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Why my Brexit plan consists entirely of ridiculous threats and crude insults, by Theresa May

Prime Minister Theresa May writes exclusively for satirical news website Newscrasher

After six months of obediently waiting for Britain’s most beloved People’s Fuhrer to outline her Brexit plan, I can now reveal all the important details of how we will smoothly exit the European Union and secure the best possible deal for Britain, while sticking it to Johnny Foreigner as our loyal tabloids have demanded.

Some people have suggested that there is in fact no plan, or that I am spearheading a secret plot to turn Britain into an extreme-right hell-hole for the benefit of the super rich. But let us not concern ourselves with questions asked of me by unpatriotic liars and suspected thought-criminals, many of whom will soon be dealt with by the full force of the law.

The plan for Brexit is simple yet cunning, and is sure to work. My government will do nothing more than issue ridiculous threats and make crude insults against our European friends and trading partners. We will also call on the EU to stop bullying us, even though it is my government who are the bullies.

Once they are able to understand that it is in their own interest to cave in to all our demands, the Europeans will do so with little regard for how disadvantageous a position it places them in.

My plan for Brexit will revolutionise Britain. We will have trade deals with the entire world, championing free trade. Our farmers will be stripped of their subsidies, our factories will be closed and replaced with cheaper Chinese imports, and our universities will be shut and workhouses erected in their place.

We will once again rule Kenya and Nigeria, and Suez is ours for the taking. India won’t want a free trade deal because they will want something even better – to be ruled by us again.

And finally, I will personally revoke American independence. It’s time they faced up to that fact and once again learned to sing “God Save The Queen”.

In summary, I will give the people of Britain the red, white and blue Brexit they deserve.

Red for the angry faces of xenophobes shouting abuse at foreigners and ethnic minorities.

White for the colour of the poor and vulnerable after we have bled them dry, and quite literally in some cases.

And blue for the Conservative Party’s perpetual rule, after we abolish democracy in all but name and establish a Great British dictatorship of the stupid.

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Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable¬† smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”

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