Tag Archives: tories

Tory council to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless

By Dorothy Hotdog
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.

Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”

“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”

“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”

Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”

The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.


Suffragettes to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, says Theresa May

The Suffragettes are to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, Theresa May has announced.

“It is 100 years since women were granted the vote, and clearly the best way to honour the Suffragettes is to criminalise their actions with draconian new laws that will finally crush freedom of expression once and for all.”

“Everyone knows that protesting against Conservative MPs was  always meant to be a criminal offence, and that’s what the people definitely voted for in the EU referendum.”

“My new laws will close the particular loophole that allows peaceful protest against right wing politicians who embody the sacred will of the people. The will of the people must triumph over trivialities like democracy, human rights, or economic competence.”

“There can be no special treatment for the Suffragettes, who will need to be dug up and jailed like everybody else who violates our tough new anti protest laws.”

“As it happens, new information discovered by the Daily Mail shows that the Suffragettes were in fact violent anarchist Momentum supporters, and we will be asking Jeremy Corbyn to reign them in despite him having no actual connection to them whatsoever.”


Tories launch new ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign to attract young social media users

The Conservatives have launched a new social media campaign with the intention of attracting young people who use social media, it has been reported.

A spokesman for the ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign said: “Young people often display shockingly high levels of compassion towards others, including foreigners and the disabled, due to a social media bubble that gives them a worryingly broader and more truthful picture of politics and world events.”

“If the Conservative Party is to survive, Britain’s decline into humanism and civilised behaviour must be urgently reversed. And that is why today, we are proud to launch our ‘Hate not Hope’ social media campaign.”

“We have literally hundreds of engaging tweets and memes ready and waiting to infect the minds of the young, to turn them into raving Tory bastards.”

“Our first tweet will give a list of ten reasons why it’s cool to hate foreigners and the disabled.”

“And if that one doesn’t work, our seven reasons why socialists are hypocrites if they own their own home surely will.”


Youngsters not mature enough to understand the benefits of fascism, says Theresa May

People between the ages of 16 and 18 simply do not have the maturity to understand the true benefits of having a fascist government, Theresa May has explained.

Speaking during her visit to China, the Prime Minister said: “The recent suggestion to allow 16 and 17 year olds to vote in national elections and referenda is misguided, and does not take into account the fact that young people are too immature to understand the benefits of fascism.”

“They are also not mature enough to uncritically accept right wing propaganda from low quality newspapers like the Sun, instead turning to social media to find out what’s really going on in the world. I wish they would see the light and just let hatred of others determine the way they vote.”

“The very fact that young people are more likely to support Jeremy Corbyn, and their preference for unaffordable things like properly funded public services just shows how unrealistic they are.”

“Young people need to understand that the future does not belong to them, it belongs to me and I shall ruin the future exactly how I please, especially if it benefits older or wealthier people who support my Party.”


‘Fake news’ was never a problem back when only we did it, say Tories

So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.

The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”

“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”

“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”

“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”

“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”

“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”


People somehow surprised to learn Tories are into eugenics

People are somehow surprised to learn that Tories are into eugenics, it has been found.

Undecided voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am genuinely surprised to learn that an extreme right-wing party that hates foreigners and the disabled also contains people who support eugenics.”

“Toby Young went to a secret conference on eugenics, but he says he sat at the back and didn’t participate so that makes it all OK, apparently.”

“There’s also Ben Bradley who suggested that unemployed people should have vasectomies to prevent their genes being passed down to future generations.”

“That’s some appallingly Nazi shit right there, and presumably Theresa May knew about it all when she appointed them to their new positions.”

“However, I still might vote Tory at the next election because apparently Labour are just as bad, according to what right wing propagandists says I should think in my brain.”

“I mean, on the one hand you’ve got a right wing party of lying Tories who secretly want to dismantle all public services and force millions of working families into poverty and an early grave, versus a party of left-wing humanists who want to provide well-funded public services and investment in education and infrastructure. It’s such a hard choice because they’re all the same aren’t they.”

“In the end I’ll probably still vote Tory because Theresa May is a woman and that makes her progressive, and I have taken a vague dislike of Jeremy Corbyn due to all the dishonest smears he has been subjected to in the right wing press.”

“Another major reason I will probably vote Tory is that I’m a selfish, heartless cunt.”


We hate socialism except when our rich donors need bailing out, say Tories

Socialism is evil except when our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out with taxpayers’ money, the Conservatives have announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said:”Nobody hates socialism more than I do, but our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out using public funds from the magic money tree.”

“For years now the Government has paid companies like Carillion to provide rip-off public services and to build overpriced infrastructure, in return for generous donations to the propaganda budget of the criminal organisation known as the Conservative Party.”

“I am gravely concerned about Carillion going bust, not because thousands of ordinary people will lose their jobs, and not because public services and infrastructure projects will be disrupted.”

“My real concern is about the potential loss of future donations from Carillion executives, which we Conservatives will need if we are win future elections against a Labour Party that now has such incredible grass-roots support.”


These 7 ways the Tories are different to the Nazis will blow your mind

People on the internet have been making comparisons between the Tories and the Nazi Party of Second World War fame, but how similar are they really?

Is it really fair to compare the depraved acts of an openly fascist organisation to what the Nazis did? In this article we list 7 key ways that set the Tories and the Nazis apart.

1. Theresa May does not sport a particularly obvious moustache. Everyone knows that if fascism ever resurfaces in Europe, its leaders will wear exactly the same clothes and have identical facial hair as Hitler did. Because Mrs May does not have a moustache, at least when out in public, she clearly cannot be a fascist.

2. The Tories have no current plans to kill people in concentration camps. The Tories have already ruled out shipping the poor and vulnerable off to concentration camps, instead favouring the withdrawal of benefits as a more humane way to cause suffering and eventual death.

3. The Conservatives do not speak German as their first language. Also, the party leader is British, not Austrian, which just goes to prove the Tories are not a party of fascists.

4. The Tories pretend to be the party of the workers in a slightly different way to how the Nazis did. Although both parties dishonestly pretend to best represent the interests of the workers, the Conservative Party is clearly different because it does not include the words ‘socialist’ or ‘worker’ in its official name.

5. The Conservatives have consistently failed to get the trains to run on time. Even that oaf Mussolini managed to make his public transport run on time.

6. The Tories have no particular interest in invading Poland or Czechoslovakia. However, they are more than happy to sell arms to questionable regimes and fuel conflict in the Middle East, resulting in a huge amount of death and suffering, but this is quite different and totally not immoral.

7. The ‘work sets you free myth’. Former Conservative Secretary of State for Work and Pension did proudly declare “work sets you free” on live national television, but he didn’t order signs with that Nazi slogan to be hung over the entrance of places of state-sanctioned suffering, also known as Job Centres.

Do you agree or disagree? Add your comment, or other examples, below this article.


Satire writers to sue Tory government for plagiarism

A group of prominent satire writers are to sue the Conservative Government for plagiarism, it has been announced.

A writer from another popular satire website told us: “We are getting a bit fucked off at the way the Tories keep ripping off our satirical stories and turning them into reality. It’s as though they have no actual creativity or originality.”

“When we made a joke about Theresa May becoming a tyranical dictator we thought we were merely extrapolating  current behaviour to the most extreme possible conclusion. We never imagined she would go and actually do it.”

“Of course, it is always possible that we recognised that the Tories are basically just evil cunts who want us all dead.”

A lawyer for another satirical news website, the Southend News Network, said: “In the end that a financial settlement cannot be reached, we are prepared to enter legal proceedings and would accept Larry The Cat in litigation if they are strapped for cash.

Internet conspiracy theorists are even speculating that satire websites like ours are working for the Tories and other far-right groups to ‘test the water’ for various extreme ideas, such as the expansion of Iain Duncan Smith’s plans for a genocide of the poor, sick and disabled through the withdrawal of benefits, and the banning of microbeads in soaps.

Internet user Chris Bumfield said: “Can you please stop giving the Tories ideas about how to make ordinary people suffer even more than they already do.”

“Without your satirical stories, Theresa May probably wouldn’t have been able to come up with something as clever as turning sanctioned job-seekers into lampshades and novelty soaps to be sold in Poundland.”


Tory reshuffle chaos doesn’t matter, look at Corbyn, says BBC

Theresa May’s chaotic reshuffle isn’t newsworthy, so look at Jeremy Corbyn instead, the BBC says.

Speaking on the BBC’s rolling anti-Corbyn channel, Laura Kuenssberg said: “When Jeremy Corbyn did a reshuffle of his front bench team we made as much political capital out of it for the Conservatives, but now the PM has done this shambolic reshuffle of her own it has become clear that reporting this kind of thing is simply not in the public interest. The public should instead look at whatever smears we’ve concocted against Labour this week.”

“As the national broadcaster, the BBC is obliged to provide fair and balanced coverage of current events and politics. We do this by ensuring our coverage shows the Conservative Party in the best light possible, to counter-balance the unfair bias the general public has against their selfish, hateful policies.”

“Similarly, our impartiality guidelines effectively oblige us to help the Tories dismantle the NHS by putting out hard-right propaganda and blaming as much as possible on Labour, who haven’t been in power since 2010.”

“I’m one of the most successful propagandists of our time, having kept Labour out of power at the last two elections, giving the Tories a free hand to cause over a hundred thousand excess deaths as people starve due to lack of money, or die waiting for life saving treatment in underfunded NHS hospitals. It’s great having no morals!”