If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, the Tories have said.
Speaking on the BBC, the Housing Minister said: “Sensing an opportunity to pretend we give a shit, the Government is proud to announce a new plan to eliminate the homeless within 200 years.”
“In its initial phase, the plan is to commission an independent inquiry by a retired establishment figure, who will spend at least five years looking into the causes of homelessness, before concluding that there is no known cause. And if the Israeli government pay us enough, then our report may also conclude that Jeremy Corbyn, or whoever is the Leader of the Opposition at the time, is anti-Semitic.”
James Brokenshire added: “If only there was an easier way to know the causes of homelessness, because getting rid the homeless from the streets of Conservative-voting areas is something I feel passionate about.”
“Until we have fully understood the causes of homelessness, there will be a moratorium on all new housing projects for ten to fifteen years to ensure middle-class baby boomers can continue to enjoy rising property prices, and we will be asking landlords to continue to rip-off ordinary people who have no choice but to rent.”
“Among our proposed solutions to the homelessness problem, at top of our list is to provide all homeless people with a 1:100 scale model of a suburban semi-detached 2 bedroom house, which would allow the Government to remove them from the official statistics of homeless people.”
Cave divers have found the Tory party trapped in a cave and are now trying to guide it to Brexit, it has been reported.
Speaking to reporters, the head of the Cave rescue Service said: “We received a frantic call early this morning to report a party of extremist nutters who need rescuing from deep within a flooded cave.”
“They appear to have survived in the dark for two years by eating themselves, and if they don’t get out soon, there it is feared they will consume Theresa May.”
“We are doing our best to coax them out to safety, but the group is more interested in bickering amongst themselves over how best to screw over the poor, and Boris just wants to be leader and doesn’t give a shit about getting the rest of the group to safety.”
“We’ve explained several plausible rescue plans to them over the radio, but the group keeps demanding that we follow their own impossible and unrealistic plan.”
“It’s as though they have no interest or understanding of basic facts, and believe they can make their wildest fantasies come true simply through wishful thinking and pig-headed stubbornness.”
The hit youth TV series Byker Grove is to be “rebooted” for Brexit Britain, and will warn children off socialism and medicinal cannabis, the BBC has announced.
The Culture Secretary, Matthew Hancock, told reporters: “The original Byker Grove television series taught British children about a variety of issues that were relevant in the late 80s and 90s, like joyriding, drugs, and the importance of wearing protective goggles while playing paintball.”
“It’s now time to reboot the ground-breaking series in a way that will help the Government maintain order, and keep the little people in their rightful place at the bottom of society, being stamped to death by a Tory jackboot.”
“With support for Brexit falling and the ongoing Tory Omnishambles led by Theresa May, it is important to reconnect with children and warn them about satanic ideas like socialism, medicinal cannabis or having compassion for people who are sick or disabled.”
“The idea is to create a generation of far-right automatons who will grow up to vote Conservative regardless of how much we punish them and destroy their lives.”
“The all-star cast includes Damian Green MP, who will play masturbation-mad youth leader Geoff Keegan, and there will be at least one cameo appearance by Esther McVey, who is very keen to teach children how to discriminate against the sick and disabled from an early age.”
“In the first episode, viewers will see the youth club reopening with a number of changes appropriate for 2018 being made. The opening scene revolves around Esther McVey using a jackhammer to destroy a wheelchair access ramp, telling onlookers that she’s already cured all the disabled people in the country.”
“Iain Duncan Smith also makes a guest appearance to hang a ‘work sets you free’ sign over the entrance. Later, he talks to the youth leader about how best to separate new arrivals to the club, where to site the ovens, and the readiness of the rail network to transport large numbers of people to DWP camps.”
“Some details are yet to be decided, but the season finale will conclude with Esther McVey boasting about how many benefit claimants have died after her department stopped their benefits, while Damian Green masturbates progressively more furiously under his desk, eventually climaxing and firing a jet of reproductive mucus onto McVey’s blouse.”
The Government has apologised unreservedly for getting caught violating the rights of British citizens, it has been reported.
A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “The Prime Minister is sorry she got caught violating the rights of thousands of British citizens, and she is prepared to make amends by granting all Windrush immigrants the British citizenship they have legally had for decades already.”
“When she had their landing cards destroyed as Home Secretary, the future Prime Minister had no idea that several years later she would decide to illegally imprison and deport Windrush Britons from their own country as part of a drive to please racist Little Englanders.”
“Even though it is clear that she is to blame herself, the PM now calls on Jeremy Corbyn to take full responsibility and resign over this regretable affair.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg commented: “This is yet another colossal fuck up by the Conservatives, but we’re too busy holding the opposition to account to report an issue as trivial as the massive violation of the rights of British citizens.”
I recently had the pleasure of hooking up with critically acclaimed Jazz musician Sean Khan to chat about Moment of Collapse, the first single from his new album Palmares Fantasia, and its connection to current British and World politics.
We meet in a little-known tea house located within Oporto’s arts quarter, and while we wait for our Rooibos tea, I ask Sean what inspired the lyrics of Moment of Collapse.
Sean: “Moment of Collapse is a little connection to what’s happening at the moment with the world going through a political crisis, partly fueled by the uncertainty of Brexit and the uncertainty of what’s going on in the States with Trump.”
“It’s a message that people should try to come together, instead of looking to move away. We’ve been there before in the thirties and it was absolutely disastrous for Humanity. It’s shocking that people just don’t want to look at that and try and learn from that.”
Me: So there’s a strong political message behind this track.
Sean: “I’d say it’s actually more of a humanist message to be honest. Politics basically is just words and theories, but here I’m trying to reach out with a message that’s more spiritual than political.”
“People are worried about their jobs, whether they can get through the year financially, they’re worried about their kids. And then we get these professional provocateurs like Nigel Farage, who come in with the most ridiculous messages about blaming foreigners or taking back control, and people are starting to listen to them again because the global culture has become so dumbed-down. Don’t listen to them, don’t follow these people — that’s a message I wanted to convey with Moment of Collapse.”
We agree that the public generally know there are big problems in modern Britain, but not enough people have worked out that the real cause is not the EU, foreigners, or any of the other scapegoats that the right have pointed the finger at.
Sean: “That’s the great illusion; it was used in the thirties by fascist groups and it’s an age-old rehash of the same nonsense, the economic system is in crisis due to the way it’s run. It’s not really run on purely capitalist lines, it’s run on corporate lines which is very different.”
“Capitalist thinkers often quote Adam Smith, but he wouldn’t recognise what they are doing in his name, exploiting individual talent, doesn’t mean you have to exploit whole groups of people, and then blame everyone else when the system fails.”
Inevitably, I ask Sean what he thinks about Jeremy Corbyn.
Sean: “Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the rubbish that’s been written about him. This whole political class has failed large groups of people, and we’ve got to look closely at what Corbyn is putting forward, whether he’s going to seriously tackle the crises in the NHS, in education and elsewhere. Fundamental societal structures have got to be reinforced in a crisis, not taken away.”
“I’m not a rabid left winger per se, I’m just looking at the faults of the system. I completely agree with allowing the individual to exploit their talents to earn a living, but there also have to be systems in place to help people less fortunate, and if we get rid of those systems society becomes less civil and we all suffer the consequences. This is what Moment of Collapse is all about.”
“In recent years the public have only ever really had a choice between seriously corporate global capitalist leaders or rabid right wingers. It’s a false choice that I don’t want and I doubt most other people want it either. There needs to be a proper alternative that doesn’t involve the complete crushing of the individual that most forms of communism advocate.”
Me: What’s your take on what Noel Gallagher recently said about Corbyn? (“F*** Jeremy Corbyn, he’s a communist”.)
Sean: (laughs) “Did he really say that! I don’t want to insult Noel Gallagher because he’s a tough guy, but pop music by its nature is not very deep music, and the guy’s obviously said something that’s a bit silly and throwaway. When you get celebrities getting involved in politics at a really facile level like this it can be a little embarrassing.”
“I don’t expect Noel is affected by this government’s austerity policies at all, but quite a lot of the people who listen to him will be, and it’s quite sad to think that he may have turned some of his fans away from a Labour leader who, for all his faults, is probably represents the best chance we currently have to fix this broken country.”
“No, I don’t think Corbyn’s a communist, and his left wing ideals are really being overstated by Noel and loads of others. People need to step back and understand what Marxism or communism actually means, and it’s a far cry from what Corbyn is proposing.”
“On the other hand, Theresa May is appalling. She’s self-serving, only interested in staying power, and has no regard for the people she’s meant to be serving. It’s really obvious that she’s got into bed with rabid nationalists just to maintain her power. And when you’ve got even Tory rebels saying hang on, this is the wrong move, it’s obvious there’s something seriously wrong with this picture.”
Palmares Fantasy is available to preview and order here.
Only WE are allowed to kill people on the streets of Britain, the Tories have told Russia.
Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference, Theresa May said: “We will never tolerate a threat to the life of British citizens from Russia. Only this Conservative Government has a legitimate mandate to kill people with impunity on the streets of Britain.”
“The rule of law. Freedom of speech. The toleration of dissenting and minority views. A free press. Fair and democratic elections. A thriving civil society. These are the foundation stones of human freedom, and are all things that I have worked hard to erode during my time in office, first as Home Secretary, and now as Prime Minister.”
Former Minister Iain Duncan Smith said: “We have worked hard to set up our inhumane and punitive system of ever reducing social welfare, which has killed countless thousands of the poorest and most vulnerablem and it is an utter outrage to have Russian agents coming over here and killing people in the streets.
“Only I deserve to bask in the glory of taking the lives of unsuspecting members of the public, through my cruel welfare reforms.”
Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.
Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”
“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”
“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”
“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”
“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”
“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”
A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.
Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”
“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”
“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”
Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”
The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.
The Suffragettes are to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, Theresa May has announced.
“It is 100 years since women were granted the vote, and clearly the best way to honour the Suffragettes is to criminalise their actions with draconian new laws that will finally crush freedom of expression once and for all.”
“Everyone knows that protesting against Conservative MPs was always meant to be a criminal offence, and that’s what the people definitely voted for in the EU referendum.”
“My new laws will close the particular loophole that allows peaceful protest against right wing politicians who embody the sacred will of the people. The will of the people must triumph over trivialities like democracy, human rights, or economic competence.”
“There can be no special treatment for the Suffragettes, who will need to be dug up and jailed like everybody else who violates our tough new anti protest laws.”
“As it happens, new information discovered by the Daily Mail shows that the Suffragettes were in fact violent anarchist Momentum supporters, and we will be asking Jeremy Corbyn to reign them in despite him having no actual connection to them whatsoever.”
The Conservatives have launched a new social media campaign with the intention of attracting young people who use social media, it has been reported.
A spokesman for the ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign said: “Young people often display shockingly high levels of compassion towards others, including foreigners and the disabled, due to a social media bubble that gives them a worryingly broader and more truthful picture of politics and world events.”
“If the Conservative Party is to survive, Britain’s decline into humanism and civilised behaviour must be urgently reversed. And that is why today, we are proud to launch our ‘Hate not Hope’ social media campaign.”
“We have literally hundreds of engaging tweets and memes ready and waiting to infect the minds of the young, to turn them into raving Tory bastards.”
“Our first tweet will give a list of ten reasons why it’s cool to hate foreigners and the disabled.”
“And if that one doesn’t work, our seven reasons why socialists are hypocrites if they own their own home surely will.”