Tag Archives: tories

UK News

Elderly should be able to bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party, government says

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The elderly should be able to bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party when they die, the government has announced.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said: “Older generations have contributed so much to Britain during their lifetime of secure jobs, excellent free healthcare and affordable housing, that it is only fair to allow them to wield influence from the grave as well.”

“And this is why the government will be using the Royal Prerogative to force through legislation granting people aged 60 or over the right bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party, to be used for all time in every election or referendum, and to be deployed in constituencies where our party would gain the greatest electoral advantage.”

“Unpatriotic traitors who love immigrants and do not support the Conservative Party will be able to opt-out, as long as they file the correct paperwork at a Job Centre or DWP office on the morning of their death. Otherwise consent will be assumed by default.”

“Imagine being able to easily turn a marginal Labour constituency Conservative on election day using these deployable votes. Liam Fox said it gave him a raging hard-on just thinking about it.”

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “I was born in the fifties so my generation won two world wars, one world cup and one Brexit referendum.”

“Having given so much to this country over the years, I should be allowed to continue to wreck the lives of the young and the poor from the grave and for all eternity, by ensuring the Conservatives or another fascist party keep getting into government.”

UK News

Let’s investigate Jeremy Corbyn before investigating Tory electoral fraud and human rights abuses, Tories say

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Frivolous investigations into Jeremy Corbyn should be given priority over investigations into Tory electoral fraud and human rights abuses, the Tories have announced.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd said: “There is a large number of truly shitty things that Conservatives have done over the years, including electoral fraud, human rights abuses in the Battle of Orgreave, and weaponising hunger, but it’s simply not in the national interest to investigate any of it.”

“Society would definitely cease to function if the people were to find out about all the different ways we’ve been screwing them and ruining their lives.”

“However, the national interest would be very well served by launching frivolous investigations into Jeremy Corbyn, to get to the bottom of the very serious allegation made by Laura Kuenssberg that Mr. Corbyn is in fact an antisemitic antichrist vampire.”

A spokesperson for the BBC also announced that the broadcaster would no longer provide coverage or comment on any scandals involving Conservative governments, arguing that ‘these matters are now closed for all time’.

UK News

Britons to meekly tolerate another 4 years of this shit

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British voters are planning to meekly tolerate another 4 years of falling living standards and all the other shit the Conservative government want to throw at them, it has been decided.

Sun reader and Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I meekly accepted the economic crash in 2008 and the subsequent age of permanent austerity, and I’m now ready to tolerate another big recession and a massive fall in my standard of living because of Brexit.”

“I’m so glad the Tories and their friends in the press were there to blame it all on evil foreigners. Immigrants come over here with dark intentions, such as learning British knowledge or contributing to the British economy, often doing low paid jobs that need to be done but which Britons refuse.”

“I now eagerly look forward to the extension of austerity, the removal of all my rights and of course the dismantling of the NHS. It is our patriotic duty to tolerate a drop in living standards and cuts to all our public services. Only a traitor would think otherwise.”

“I don’t care if my food and energy bills go up, or if my foreign holidays are now substantially more expensive. We’ve gained so much more, something intangible.”

“We’ve taken back control and regained sovereignty, both of which curiously bypassed parliament and went directly into the hands of our new fascist dictatorship.”

UK News

Government introduces billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’

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The Conservative government has introduced billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’, it has been announced.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “In difficult times such as this it is crucial that order and social cohesion are maintained, and this is why we are trying to silence people who don’t want the UK to leave the EU.”

“Patriotic Leave voters are sick and tired of all the treasonous fact-mongering coming from Remain voters, many of whom are saying that Brexiters are utter twats for crashing the economy, or that they knew Brexit would be shit.”

The professional liar continued: “Our plan is to roll out two thousand billboard vans with the message: If you are a traitorous Remain voter, SHUT UP. Stop your reasoned arguments and highbrow fact mongering. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in jail.”

“The vans will also be fitted with a PA system that plays a high pitched tone that induces nausea in those under the age of 40, to ensure the young are made to suffer unnecessarily according to the wishes of Theresa May.”

UK News

British singles to be banned from dating foreigners online

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The government intends to ban British people from dating foreigners online, it has been revealed.

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, Theresa May lamented: “For far too long, young British people have been free to have friends or date people of different nationalities, much to the anger of middle aged readers of the Daily Mail and Express newspapers.”

“The people have spoken, and it is now essential that we crack down on international friendships and relationships, because they often result in worrying increases in the tolerance and understanding of other races and cultures.”

“Today, I have the pleasure to announce the creation of the Ministry for National Purity, the main duty of which will be to oversee the online dating scene to ensure young British singles are no longer able to fall in love with foreigners.”

“We will introduce legislation that will compel online dating websites to introduce algorithms that prevent British users from dating foreigners. In addition, sites like Plenty of Fish will be encouraged to give preference to Brexit voters when finding potential matches for their users.”

Mrs. May added: “I’m already spying on everyone’s social media activity, but now it’s time for me to take control of your love lives.”

 

 

UK News

Tories pledge to make UK a ‘National Socialist’ state by 2020

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The Conservative Party is demanding that ‘National Socialism’ should be given a second chance in Britain, it has emerged.

Among the highlights of the Conservative Party conference this week, the hardline Tory fruitcake Andrea Leadsom said: “I’ve read up on some history and I think National Socialism is a fabulous idea. Let’s make Brexit Britain a National Socialist state by 2020.”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has suggested that “British doctors and scientists should have their passports confiscated to force them to stay and work in Britain.”

He added: “And if they still try to flee the country to sell their knowledge to an enemy power in Europe or elsewhere, they will face good old imperial justice and will have a hand severed using a machete.”

Priti Patel has also proposed reintroducing the death penalty for foreigners and people who earn less than £100,000 a year, saying; “Equality is important, but discriminating against the poor and foreigners is even more important.”

“And that is why we should consider using the death penalty to speed up the cleansing of the poor and people who came here from somewhere else.”

UK News

We have a duty to report Conservative lies as facts, says BBC

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The BBC has a legal and moral duty to report Conservative lies and misinformation as facts, it has been announced.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As an integral part of the state propaganda network, the BBC has a legal and moral obligation to give undue prominence to claims made by the Conservative government, and to present their lies and misinformation uncritically and without scrutiny.”

“At the same time, we absolutely have to lead the media crack down on Labour, who are antisemitic and are trying to overthrow the government via the ballot box.”

The former Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “If Jeremy Corbyn’s red menace succeeds in thwarting the heroic austerity and NHS privatisation programmes of the most popular government in the history of Britain, then the nation truly will be in the shit, because it could lead to a slight decrease in the bank balance of some of the richest people in Britain and that would be unjust.”

 

UK News

Tories propose ‘youth tax’ to fund increase in pensioner benefits

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Senior back-bench Conservatives and Nigel Farage have called on the government to implement a tax on young people, to fund a massive increase in pensioner benefits during the massive recession that Brexit is expected to provoke.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said: “The increasing deficit and falling tax revenues are directly related to the failure of young people in this country to work hard enough.”

“Instead, they live a life of luxury in shared houses paying tiny amounts of rent, have meager student debts, and own iPhones. It’s now time to put an end to the lazy and feckless young.”

“I call on the government to introduce a ‘young person tax’ that will apply to anyone under the age of 40 who has not been to public school.”

“I would also like to see the creation of a volunteer service for young people. All under 40s would be required to volunteer for 5 hours a week in the households of over 60s, in order to help social cohesion.”

“Being forced to do tasks such as cooking, cleaning, gardening, and emptying adult nappies would teach the young the importance of taking responsibility for themselves.”

“It is also crucial that we place an immediate ban on the sale of iPhones to young people. This technology is a threat to national security, because it allows young people to complain about Brexit and share information about the Leave campaign’s lies and idiocy.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, another Conservative MP and former chancellor who was once photographed with an alleged prostitute, said: “We Conservatives have long realized that the key for us to stay in government is to royally screw the young, on behalf of the older generations.”

“It is therefore vital that hardworking pensioners continue to be rewarded, at the expense of people of working age.”

“It’s actually a very simple scam. People of working age pay for pensions and social provisions for the older generations, who then decide they would like to live more comfortably, and so workers must be made poorer, or the young must be robbed of their future, or both.”

“What terrifies the establishment more than anything, even more than Brexit, is the day when the young experience a politically awakening and realise they are being f*cked over, and by whom.”

UK News

Only immigrants and Muslims to be harmed by abolition of human rights, tabloid readers confirm

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Only immigrants and Muslims are to be harmed by the abolition of human rights, tabloid readers have confirmed.

UKIP voter Chris Bumfield said: “I did extensive research using the Daily Mail and I am just horrified that human rights protect people I don’t like, people such as Muslims and immigrants. What about my right to openly persecute them or the disabled?”

“I completely support the abolition of human rights because it will only harm immigrants and Muslims, but will leave right-wing white Britons completely untroubled and with an enhanced feeling of national pride”, he added.

Although some have voiced concerns, Theresa May continues to insist that she has no ulterior motives for wanting to strip the people of their human rights and basically turn them into slaves to the ruling elite. As home secretary, Mrs May famously attended parliament unclothed on one occasion in order to drive home her ‘nothing to hide, nothing to fear’ message.

UK News

Proposed reforms to English language will make criticism of Tories impossible, say Labour

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Several high profile members of the Labour party have spoken out strongly against the reforms to the English language proposed by the Government.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the proposed reforms as “fundamentally undermining our right to freedom of expression” and “an attempt to implement the Orwellian nightmare of newspeak.”

The reforms include changes to grammar rules so that negative or insulting adjectives cannot be used when the Conservative Party or the name of any Conservative MP is the subject of the sentence. The Government has also published a list of recommended adjectives for use when Conservatives are the subject, ranging from ‘good’ to ‘double-plus good’.

Conversely, positive adjectives will no longer be permitted in sentences where Labour is the subject. To describe Jeremy Corbyn, the only permitted adjectives are to be ‘hard-left’ and ‘terrorist sympathiser’ — a rule that is already being strictly observed by the Daily Mail.

Speaking in Parliament about the proposed reforms, hard right prime minister David Cameron said: “What this country needs is a strong economy and an end to terrorism. By making efficiency savings to the vocabulary of the English language, our reforms will not only boost economic activity and create jobs, but will make it impossible for terrorist sympathisers like Jeremy Corbyn to threaten the security of hardworking families earning £100,000 or more a year.”

However, a number of Blatcherite Labour MPs have expressed incredulity that Jeremy Corbyn would oppose the bill. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a prominent Blatcherite MP said: “Jeremy needs to get real and recognise that the Tories won, and they won because Labour weren’t right wing enough. Honestly, we need to be more appealing to the right wing voters who would have voted for Tony Blair, and this means supporting the Tory crackdown on thought-crime.”

The mouthy MP added: “Once I’ve stabbed Jeremy in the front and back and assumed leadership of the party, I can guarantee you I’ll take Labour back to Tory-lite against the wishes of the party membership.”

A number of prominent Conservative MPs have voiced strong support for the bill. Speaking outside Parliament, Government minister Chris Grayling told reporters: “Long have satirical bullies conspired to disparage and humiliate the honest and caring Conservative members of Parliament, of which I am an exceptional example.”

“Words cannot express how pleased I am that soon it will be impossible for the Conservative Government to be the subject of mirth and ridicule, be this via the intelligent satire of broadcasters like Charlie Brooker, or crude internet memes alluding to the unproven but undenied allegation that David Cameron once fucked a dead pig in the head.”