The public should vote for our lies again, the Conservatives have announced.
As the public heads to the polls, the Prime Minister made a last-minute attempt to swing the vote back to the Conservatives: “We have nothing to offer except lies, racism and the annihilation of the NHS. Please vote for us today and give us another opportunity renege on all our promises.”
“The patriotic will of the people was made clear in the EU referendum and in the most recent general election, and I call on the voting public to now vote accordingly. This means voting for the a Conservative Party that has been infiltrated and shifted to the far-right by UKIP.”
“Because the people love me, I predict we will win all wards with at least 100 per cent of the popular vote. In the event that Labour do well, my allies in the media and the PLP stand ready to say that any result for Labour, however good, is a disaster and a sign that Jeremy Corbyn should resign, or at least stop holding me to account.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is mounting evidence that voters intend to punish Labour for unpatriotically holding the government to account, when the party should instead have been praising Theresa May’s brave decision to attend PMQs in the nude, to show she has nothing to hide over the Windrush scandal.”
“I will be on television later tonight to help the Government save face in the wake of big losses in today’s local elections.”
The Tories plan to lie about everything, all the time, it has been announced.
A spokesperson for the Tories said: “The Conservative Party is currently at an unfair disadvantage because the public generally think we’re total bastards who want to ruin their lives, and possibly even starve them to death.”
“Today I am proud to announce our innovative new plan to deal with this injustice, which involves simply lying about everything, all the time.”
“With the help of the right-wing media and the state broadcasting corporation, our lies will be uncritically passed on to the public, many of whom will be gullible enough to vote us into power again.”
“For instance, when people start to notice the NHS is crumbling because we’ve starved it of funding, we can simply repeat the lie about there being a winter crisis every year. We can also lie about putting record levels of funding into the NHS, and if we feel like doing a bit of gaslighting, we can also claim Jeremy Corbyn and Labour are to blame for everything.”
When asked why they don’t come up with some proper policies, the Tory spokesman said: “When your main goal is to get into power and grab as much cash as you can for yourself and your wealthy donors, lying your way through elections is pretty much the only option.”
“People often ask us why we never come up with innovative ideas to solve the numerous problems Britain is currently facing, despite having been educated at the most expensive public schools.”
“But the thing is, we created many of these so called problems on purpose. Things like poverty and underfunded pubic services are beneficial to the high net worth individuals our party represents.”