It has come to my attention that some people on the social medias have been commenting on the hypocrisy of Conservatives like me, who claim to be devoutly christian while voting for policies that hurt the poorest and most vulnerable in society.

When Newscrasher approached me about writing this column, I jumped at the opportunity to set the record straight about my christian values, and why I am deliriously happy about the rise in the use of food banks.

First I would like to reiterate what I have often said in the media. There is no inconsistency whatsoever between being devoutly christian and voting for legislation that ruins the lives of the poor for the benefit of high net worth individuals like myself.

Jesus Christ himself was a Tory, arguing that there should be less provision of healthcare and reductions in the social welfare programmes in the Roman province of Judea. And that is precisely why the hard left Roman administration of the day arrested and crucified Jesus.

Thanks to scholars such as Iain Duncan Smith BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate), it is now well established that God approves of all Conservative policies, especially our completely unnecessary imposition of austerity and the hounding of the sick and disabled to an an early grave. Therefore, I am proud to sit in Parliament alongside many other rabid right wingers doing the Lord’s work, sometimes also sleeping.

The bible clearly states that taxes are the work of the Devil. Indeed, it was Satan himself who proposed the first system of progressive taxation as a hateful punishment for high net worth christians who had amassed entirely legitimate wealth off the back of the work of others.

Consequently, I fail to see why someone like me, who had the foresight to be born into a wealthy family, should be penalised by way of taxation on the large sums I earn from my many talents, when so many of my fellow Britons made the poor lifestyle choice of being born into a family that is not rich. Why should they have free healthcare and financial safety nets if they are too lazy to be rich?

In conclusion, there is absolutely no incongruence in claiming to be christian while actively plunging people into poverty, starvation, and in some cases an early grave.

I trust that by penning this satirical column I have explained myself to everybody’s satisfaction, and I hope we can all now move on and go back to talking about how wonderful food banks are, or how Jeremy Corbyn’s very moderate plans to bring back proper NHS and welfare funding are akin to North Korea.

This was a satirical story not written by Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg, the moron’s favourite to replace Theresa May as Prime Minister.