Tag Archives: war

Senior Tories pledge to lead first wave of British troops in new Russia war

Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.

Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”

“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”

“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”

“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”

“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”

“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”

A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not  understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”

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War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, says Theresa May

War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “It is becoming increasingly difficult to blame Labour and the Remainers for the clusterfuck that is Brexit, so I think now would be a good moment to start a jolly good war.”

“With any luck a war will unite the country behind my strong and stable rule, and the public will forget that they can not longer afford food or shelter thanks to my deliberate mismanagement of the nation.”

“A war will also provide vital jobs for young people in communities that have been ravaged by Tory policies, giving them a way up and out onto the savage battlefields of the twenty first century.”

“In order to help those who need it the most, the draft will begin in marginal Labour voting areas first, to drastically reduce the number of Labour voters and make sure my patriotic British party stays in power forever.”

Jeremy Corbyn and many others from across the political spectrum have called for restraint, but the Prime Minister has simply brushed all concerns aside, calling them “Marxist mansplaining by enemies of the people, who are not as strong and stable as I am”.

A number of right-leaning Labour MPs have praised Theresa May for the bravery she showed when she pledged to send working class Britons off to fight and die for her own political gain.

One Blairite MP told reporters: “War is great, and I think we need more of it, not just everywhere in the Middle East except Israel, but also in Europe as well if at all possible.”

“And I’m not just saying that because I get paid by Israel to accuse left wing humanists of being anti-semitic when they express concerns about the treatment of Palestinian children at the hands of some members of the Israeli miltary.”

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Leave voters surprised to learn the war ended more than 70 years ago

Leave voters have been surprised to learn that the Second World War has been over for more than 70 years, it has been reported.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield, from Barnsley said: “Churchill and Hitler both sought to unify Europe into a single political structure, albeit by different means.”

“But because my brain has been destroyed by decades of lies and propaganda from the right wing fake news media, I have chosen to associate the concept of a European Union with the Nazis instead of Churchill, despite the fact that I hold quite similar political beliefs to the Nazis myself.”

“Of course, even a school child could spot the glaring inconsistency in my reasoning that the EU is bad because Hitler tried to unify Europe, and my insistence in also calling it the EUSSR.”

“Logically, the EU cannot be both Nazi and communist at the same time, but as a hard line Brexiter my mind is unconstrained by logical thought, or concern for the younger generations who will be forced to live this idiotic decision for the rest of their lives.”

“All I know is we must leave the EU immediately. We’re not stupid fools who were taken in by obvious lies and propaganda.  We know what we voted for and we don’t care about any of the details.”

“Whatever the deal turns out to be, however hard or soft a Brexit we get, that is precisely what we voted for.”

“You have to remember, I was born in the early fifties when the Second World War was at its peak, and war against Europe is all I have known. But with Brexit, two world wars and one world cup maybe finally we can declare victory over the EUSSR once and for all.”

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War with Spain will secure trade deals and toughen ‘snowflake Remoaners’, claims Government

Going to war with Spain over the status of Gibraltar will help the UK secure better trade deals after Brexit, the Government has claimed.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said: “I for one welcome the prospect of an all-out war with Spain over the status of Gibraltar. This would make it easier to  secure good trade deals with a number of rich and powerful countries, who would rightly fear British military power again.”

“A good war would have also toughen up those Remain-voting snowflake youngsters by forcing them to experiencing the true horrors of war. The young need to understand what the Baby Boomer generation sacrificed so that Nazism could be defeated in the second world war.”

“And all this talk of war makes for a brilliant distraction from real issues that affect ordinary people’s lives, like the huge rise in living costs that Brexit is causing, and the fact that we have decided to to put even less money into the NHS despite our promise of extra funding.”

Commenting on the prospect of war, in Europe Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Everyone likes a good war, don’t they? Especially those of us with a xenophobic disposition and who are too old for military service.”

“I don’t give a fuck about the future of Britain, I just want my blue passport back and our nonsensical system of money back.”

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