The Young Conservatives are to get a new uniform fit for Brexit Britain, it has been announced.
Speaking to the BBC, Iain Duncan Smith said: “The Scouts have an official uniform, Britain First have an official uniform, so it is only right that the youth wing of the Conservative Party also has a uniform.”
“The Hitler Youth had a really spiffing uniform and was very successful at mobilising young people in the righteous and Christian cause of hatred, so that is what we’ve modeled our new uniform on.”
The former Minister for Manslaughter continued: “By relaunching Young Conservatives as an exciting militaristic organisation, we hope to teach young people to embrace greed and hate the poor, the disabled and foreigners.”
“As Conservatives, it is important that we continue to promote Tory values. Like the Scouts, our members will be awarded badges for successfully completing Conservative activities, such as hounding disabled benefit claimants to death, successfully getting away with white collar crimes like as expense fraud, or laying waste to the entire British economy for personal financial gain.”
“Our camping trips will teach important survival skills, especially how to convince a gullible public that we Tories are the party of the working class, or how blame immigration for your own policy failures.”
“Sleeping in our two-man tents, will also allow older, married members of the Conservative Party to form lifelong relationships with unsuspecting young people.”
The young are to be forced to stay behind in Brexit Britain to do their patriotic duty for ‘Empire 2.0’, it has emerged.
A senior government source said: “Our plan is to turn the UK into a neoliberal hell-hole run exclusively for the wealthy, while the young are made to work ever harder for less money.”
“This is the patriotic will of the people as expressed in the legally binding referendum we had in June last year.”
“Unfortunately, a majority of young people do not feel the same patriotic fervour as their xenophobic elders, and as a result there is a chance that the young will shirk their patriotic duty”
“Indeed, the Prime Minister is extremely concerned about the prospect of large numbers of young people seeking out a better life elsewhere in the EU, where the young are not made to work as virtual slaves for a standard of living that is lower than the average retiree.”
“Rather than do the right thing, we’re just going to strip the young of their EU citizenship to prevent them escaping Brexit Britain in search of a better life in the European Union. The people have spoken and this is what 100 percent of them voted for.”
Commenting on the prospect of an exodus of young people to the continent, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “What we’ve gained is so much more important than trivial things like jobs, quality of life and well funded public services.”
“I don’t understand why young remoaners can’t employ anti-logic to arrive at the same nonsensical conclusions as I have.”
“However, In future years the young will definitely look back and thank us for how we’ve totally fucked up their lives.”