In the wake of disgraced Prime Minister David Cameron’s imminent resignation, media speculation abounds over who will replace him as party leader.
Will the new leader continue to hound the disabled and vulnerable to death, in order to pay for tax cuts for the rich? Or will the Government instead embrace one-nation conservatism and only be moderately evil? For poor and rich alike, the stakes could not be higher.
This list of known or suspected leadership contenders is as follows:
George Osborne: Chancellor of the Exchequer since 2010 and alleged tax-dodger, he currently enjoys similar levels of support within the party membership as Adolf Hitler, thanks in part to his cruel policy of asset-stripping the most vulnerable in society, for the benefit of the wealthy elite.
Iain Duncan Smith: Former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, he presided over some of the worst human rights abuses this country has ever seen. For this reason alone he finds plenty of support from both Young Conservatives and a significant section of the grass-roots party.
Michael Gove: The highly irritating former Education Secretary, whose destruction of the education of millions of children, is well viewed by Conservative activists and voters earning more than £100,000 a year.
Theresa May: Home Secretary since 2010, she spearheaded the government’s totalitarian crackdown on the privacy and freedom of those who are not extremely rich. Considered by many in the party as a champion for wealth-creation due to the outsourcing of a number of Home Office services, from which she has definitely not benefited financially.
Liz Kendall: A Labour back-bencher and fierce critic of Jeremy Corbyn’s humanist policies, Liz is rumoured to be considering crossing the floor to lead the Conservative Party. Sensationally, leaked polling suggests Kendall may achieve even greater support than she did in the Labour leadership contest.
Boris Johnson: Mayor of London and general twat, he is by no means among the front-runners, but for some explicable reason he retains a degree of popularity among the hard right Euroskeptic wing of the party.
Adolf Hitler: Resurrected thanks to a top secret cloning project funded by wealthy Conservative Party donors, he enjoys significant support from prominent hard-right MPs such as Jacob Rees-Mogg. This is thanks to his tough stance on migration, and his planned acceleration of the Government’s policy of killing or enslaving the entirety of the population who earn below £100,000 a year.