Referendum result gives fresh mandate to slash life expectancy, says Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne has today unveiled plans to make further cuts in the quality of life and life expectancy of ordinary Britons, which he claims is ‘clearly mandated’ by the EU referendum result.

The former towel folder said: “Being an evil bastard, I’m always looking for new and inventive excuses to justify robbing from the feckless poor to give to the hard working rich.”

“Today’s referendum result is a clear signal that the people of the United Kingdom support my cruel austerity policies and want more of the same, as quickly as possible.”

“And that is why I’m pleased to announce the immediate introduction of a programme of new cuts to life expectancy of the poorest and most vulnerable.”

However, former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith said: “As champion of the little people, I oppose the Chancellor’s renewed crackdown on the poor and vulnerable.”

“Only I should be allowed to bully and starve people to death for the  benefit of those earning £100,000 or more.”

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