The left-wing Labour group Momentum is a terrorist organisation and is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, Tony Blair has claimed.
The disgraced former prime minister made the claim after a press conference in which he and Labour General Secretary Iain McNicol released an official list of forbidden words, along with a list of officially sanctioned alternative words and phrases.
Using any of the proscribed words will disqualify Labour members from being able to vote in the leadership election.
Among the most important changes are:
‘Momentum’ must now only be referred to as ‘the entryist terror organisation Momentum’.
‘War criminal Tony Blair’ is to be replaced by ‘illustrious hero Tony Blair’.
‘Blairites’ can now only be called ‘Moderate left wing saviours of the middle classes and swing voters’.
Blairite Ben Bradshaw told Newscrasher:”As illustrious hero Tony Blair says, Momentum is a kind of terrorist organisation, possibly with WMDs ready to use in as little as 45 minutes, and should be banned immediately.”
“This would be a double-plus-good leap forward in our herculean quest to stop Labour from being in any way left-wing, or opposing the cruel austerity policies of the Tories with which I broadly agree.”
Image credit: K. Singh
Note added in proof (30 Aug 2016): When we wrote this satirical story (4 Aug 2016), little did we know that Iain McNicol would cynically and undemocratically set about blocking Labour Party members and supporters from voting in the leadership election, using a very similar kind of language policing to what we imagine herein. One has to wonder, are the coup plotters in the PLP getting their ideas from satire sites like ours?