Owen Smith has criticised Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising the sitting on train floors’, it has emerged.
Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, Smith said: “We all know the UK rail system is in trouble, and that is why I have stolen Jeremy’s plan for rail nationalisation along with a number of other popular policies.”
“However, the way Jeremy has weaponised the act of sitting on train floors is despicable.”
“Surely it would have been more prime-ministerial to use taxpayers’ money to upgrade to first class, or better still to hire a limousine for his long distance journey”, Smith suggested.
“This is just a crude attempt to make careerists like me look bad.”
“Just because I claimed £46,709.11 in expenses for the 2015/2016 parliamentary year, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m intentionally ripping off the taxpayer, although my secret plans to privatise the NHS definitely will.”
The leadership challenger added: “People should vote for me because unlike Jeremy, I do know who Ant and Dec are.”
Then, reading off a prompt card held up by a spin doctor, Smith delcared: “I’m their number one fan, having followed them since the beginning of their musical career as rap-artists PJ and Duncan. I own all their records, but the critically acclaimed Psyche is my favourite. That’s the one where they wrecked the mike. They even invented a completely new dance called The Rumble.”
“And unlike Jeremy, I’m a truly authentic shape shifting moderate who’ll do or say whatever is needed to get in.”