By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez
The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.
The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.
Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.
On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”
Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”
“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”