Owen Smith: I waded through faeces and fought the undead to obtain my wife

I waded through neck-high shit and then vanquished an army of 10,000 undead to secure my wife’s hand in marriage, and this definitely proves I have leadership potential, Owen Smith has claimed.

The labour leadership contender said: “It was 30 years ago this week. Singer Sinitta was in the music charts and a new television drama called Casualty was starting.”

“As a completely normal A-level student keen to prove my party political leadership skills, I set off on a quest to pull one of the few females in the school.”

“Unfortunately, Liz was trapped on a small island in the middle of a lake of shit, garrisoned by around 10,000 undead warriors.”

In hindsight, I think they may have been that mythical horde of antisemitic Jeremy Corbyn supporters that the right of the party like to talk about.

“I initially considered building a raft from my extensive collection of Loaded magazines, but I decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to soil my wank material.”

“After wading across the shit lake and reaching the island, I battled the undead horde using my two-handed broad sword until they were totally vanquished, at which point I bent Liz over and gave her one. At no point did I need to use Viagra.”

“Of course, this entire story is nothing more than a ludicrous fantasy.”

“Just like my ambitions of beating Jeremy Corbyn in this leadership election.”

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