David Cameron to stand down as MP ‘to spend more time doing drugs and shagging pig heads’

Former Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he is to stand down as a member of Parliament, in order to spend more time doing drugs and having sex with pig heads.

The 49-year-old has been Conservative MP for Witney since 2001, and became Conservative leader in 2005. During his six-year term as Prime Minister, Mr. Cameron and his cabinet of millionaires presided over the destruction of public services for private profit, as well as massive increases in homelessness and poverty.

Speaking to journalists outside his very expensive home, David Cameron said: “Having irreparably fucked up the country, and having caused the death or suffering of thousands, if not millions of British citizens, I think I’m going to bugger off to enjoy my offshored personal wealth now.”

“To the ordinary people who voted for my party in two general elections, and to those whose lives I callously ruined to help the rich get richer, I have only one message.”

“Farewell and fuck you all.”

On learning of Cameron’s announcement, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Although I disagree with David on the issue of the European Union, I have always admired his willingness to harm or kill large numbers of people, including the disabled and children, in pursuit of the wholesale liquidation of all public services.”

“Some people may want to see me on trial for crimes against humanity, but I would like everybody to know that just like the concentration camp guards, I was merely following orders from my superiors.”

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