The Conservative Party has abandoned plans for a snap general election after realising they’ve run out of lies to put in the manifesto, it has emerged.
An anonymous minister said: “The PM was totally up for a snap general election, as this would have given her a clear mandate to attack the poorest and most vulnerable in society in ways that would have made even Margaret Thatcher blush.”
“However, it was quickly recognised that we have in fact used up all possible lies during the 2015 general election manifesto and the EU referendum campaign.”
The former mayor of London continued: “Faced with the prospect of having to create a truthful election manifesto outlining all the evil plans our party has to destroy the lives of the little people, the Cabinet was in unanimous agreement that the idea for a snap election should be shelved until our team of spin doctors are able to concoct new lies to hoodwink the people into voting Conservative against their best interests.”
“One of my ministerial colleagues argued that people are ready to know the truth about how we plan to liquidate the NHS and starve the poor.”
“But Theresa felt it would be safer to wait, and then go down the customary route of producing a manifesto composed entirely of lies, only for it to be disowned and deleted from our webpages the day after the election.”