Leaving the European Union is as simple as removing eggs and flour from a baked cake, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking after a summit of EU leaders where everybody ignored her, the prime minister said: “People who knew nothing at all about anything have voted to bring disaster upon the country, and that is exactly what we are going to do.”
“I don’t particularly care either way, but the fall-out from destroying the economy should allow me to consolidate my personal power, perhaps turning myself into a great dictator, and there will also be great opportunities to crack down on freedoms and worker rights.”
“Although basically all the experts say leaving the EU is practically impossible, we continue to maintain that it will be as simple as removing the eggs and flour from a baked cake. I’m an amazing woman and I’ve done that many times before.”
“The fact that all the other EU leaders have ignored me today just shows how strong our negotiating position is right now.”
“They were all far too scared to approach me in case I immediately vanquished their pathetic non-British ideas and returned to London having had our cake and eaten it.”