Destroying the British economy with a hard Brexit will definitely be worthwhile, because it will allow imaginary problems such as immigration and human rights to be fixed, Theresa May has decided.
Ahead of her next big speech about Brexit, which is expected to send the Pound to new lows against the Euro and Dollar, the Prime Minister has hinted about how she plans to win over critics of Brexit: “Leaving the EU will almost certainly wreck the economy for the little people, many of whom will lose their jobs, their access to free healthcare, and their benefits.”
“But it will definitely be worth it, because it will allow us to fix a number of imaginary problems that the right wing media have convinced people are real, such as immigration or human rights.”
“But the good news doesn’t end there. The single binary question posed in the referendum provides no guidance about what kind of Brexit we should go for, which means I’m absolutely free to do whatever the hell I want to the country, because I’m in charge now and the will of the people is squarely behind me.”
“To those who would oppose my tyrannical rule, I say this:”
“On the 23rd of June the patriotic British people voted for me to seize power and immediately start to ruin the lives of the poor, the sick, and foreigners.”
“The vote was a unanimous landslide, as long as we do not count the 48 per cent of voters who are technically not real people because they treacherously voted to remain.”
“Despite all the evil shit I have in store for them, the people love me. I like to think of myself as ‘The People’s Fuhrer’.”
Theresa May’s speech for Dummies:
Theresa May:
“And so our strategy to put the great back into global Britain is this.
We have decided to eat that bag of dodgy prawns in the fridge this evening.
At some time during the small hours, as Europe sleeps, we shall endure violent stomach cramps. And sometime about 3am, British Brexit Britain shall promptly and totally shite the bed, then spend several hours in a delirious fever rolling about in it.
We shall be open to clean up, and our friends across the Atlantic, and around the world will queue up as we pay them British Sterling from hardworking British pockets, to wash us down and burn our bedding.
China will sell us sheets, which through complex EU compatibility laws will probably no longer fit our beds, but we will adapt.
And Britain will move forward messing its own bed, messing its own own underpants, and wiping it up its own walls. And as the world becomes our fully paid up wiper upper, Europe will realise that we won’t put up with out-of-date seafood in British fridges!”
Tory benches applaud.
Farage on BBC:
“Well, haha, that’s all slightly more encouraging, but think of how much better for us as a nation, it would be, if it wasn’t Mediterranean ‘Euro-prawns’, but good old British ale instead, made here in Britain, under lax British hygiene standards like we used to have, that was rotting in British cellars, before giving our people, the proper, explosive dose of the Eartha Kitts, they truly deserve, and sees not some PC-gone-mad brown clarts up some continental duvet, but red, white and even blue faecal matter up English, Scotch, Welsh and Gibraltarian eiderdowns from Port Stanley to Clacton-on-Sea!
That’ll show you who’s in charge, Herr Junkers!”
Sips at pint of Timothy Taylor’s Landlord to sound of floor thumping knuckles.