The Prime Minister has claimed victory over all other parties in last night’s debate on the BBC, it has emerged.
“My strong and stable leadership shone through in the TV debate last night, and I am pleased to crown myself the clear winner in this and all subsequent debates between the party leaders.”
“Because I’m now on course to secure a large majority, I see no point wasting time in pointless debates that I will just continue to win, so I’ll be sending along one of my equally dishonest minions to face the unwashed masses.”
“Come to think of it, why don’t we just postpone the election for a few years or even decades, by which time the terror threat level might have gone down and the economy might have recovered from Brexit.”
“All the polls show I’m definitely going to secure a renewed mandate with 110% of the vote.”