Chlorinated chicken from the United States is perfectly safe for low earners and people on benefits, it has been decided.
Speaking to journalists, the Liam Fox said: “My party has worked hard to bring British wages and living conditions into line with other third world countries, and our proposed trade deal with the United States will soon bring food our standards down to a similarly low level.”
“Some people have begun to notice the increase in their cost of living as a result of Brexit. Thankfully, innovative American food processing techniques such as pumping livestock full of harmful pharmaceuticals and soaking chicken in chlorine will soon be within reach of British consumers, to help them make ends meet at the expense of their long term health.”
“And if our Brexit omnishambles continues as planned, it won’t be very long before the average Briton will only be able to afford the shittiest of American food imports. The excellent reduction in life expectancy of ordinary people will dramatically reduce the burden on the NHS, and should facilitate further tax cuts for wealthy Conservative voters.”
Brexiteer David Davis added: “It would be racist and undemocratic to prevent substandard American produce from entering a sovereign United Kingdom.”
“We are considering legislation that would force consumers to purchase and eat a mandatory minimum quantity of this substandard produce, or face up to six months in prison.”
“If British farmers cannot compete, then they should look at ways they can become more efficient, perhaps through the use of potentially dangerous chemicals, or by placing themself on a zero-hours contract.”
Iain Duncan Smith, the self-styled ‘Hammer of the Poor’, also claimed: “A large number of disabled people have personally thanked me for voting to cut their benefits by £30 a week, because now they can only afford to eat delicious sausages made from mechanically recovered faecal matter, imported from America.”