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science, UK News

Daily Express revealed as not actually a peer reviewed academic journal

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The Daily Express is not actually a peer reviewed academic journal, researchers have found. The findings were published in a report by a team of 100 per cent racially British researchers from the newly established Institute For Brexit Science.

Lead researcher Kelvin MacKenzie told Newscrasher: “We initially set out to prove that everything ever published in the Daily Express is factual and beyond dispute, a hypothesis proposed by Brexit Science Minister Michael Gove. However, it quickly became clear that close to 99 per cent of everything published in this shit rag is total bollocks.”

“This led us to the conclusion that, contrary what millions of elderly and xenophobes might believe, the Daily Express is not actually a peer reviewed academic journal.”

However, not everybody accepts this conclusion. Paul Golding, the self-styled ‘Fuhrer’ of far-right group Britain First said: “The Daily Express is one of the few academic journals that bravely panders to  the bigoted opinions of racists like me.”

“Thanks to the publication of blatant lies about migrants and the EU, it’s now considered perfectly acceptable to scream racist abuse at anybody suspected of not being 100 per cent British. This is a great victory for the ordinary people of Britain.”

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Astrology now works after ninth planet discovered, says NASA

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Astrology really does work, but only if the ninth planet is taken into account, NASA revealed today.

With the recent discovery of Planet Nine, NASA scientists quickly realized the reason astrology didn’t work properly was because the planet was not being taken into consideration. But after they had been carefully reformulated to include the ninth planet, the team of scientists discovered that astrological horoscopes were able to accurately predict the minutiae of their daily lives.

Lead scientist of NASA’s astrology project, Dr. Hans Zarkov, told journalists: “The revelation concerning the now proven reality of astrology has opened up exciting new frontiers in science, and here at NASA we stand proud at the forefront of research efforts to go beyond solar system astrology; we are currently developing an extra-galactic astrological system that may revolutionize our understanding of the Universe and its origins, as well as provide fresh perspectives on mankind’s race to harness the power of celestial bodies like stars and black holes, to meet Earth’s energy needs.”

Nicknamed ‘Planet Nine’ by researchers, the planet weighs roughly 10 times more than Earth and orbits approximately 20 times farther from the Sun than Neptune does.