Category Archives: UK News

Surge in Labour membership shows I am right to abolish democracy and implement national socialism, says May

The latest surge in Labour membership indicates that the people want an end to democracy and a National Socialist government, Theresa May has concluded.

The Prime Minister said: “The Labour Party has seen a recent surge in new members, many of whom want a more socialist Britain. Listening to the British public, I will give them the National Socialist rule they clearly now want.”

“Of course, my subjects don’t yet know they want me to rule them with an iron fist, stamping down on their faces for eternity, but I am clear that they want precisely what I want.”

“And that is why there is no need for the public to vote again on the brilliant Brexit deal we are negotiating. In fact, there is no longer any need for the public to vote on anything ever again, now that the Will Of The People  has been settled for all time.”

“Jeremy Corbyn is socialist but he only represents Islington and Labour Party members. Only I can roll out socialism across the entire country to create the British National Socialist state.”

“National Socialism has been given a bad name by the actions of the National Socialists who ran Germany in the first half the 20th century, but there’s no reason why this system of government cannot be tried again, with a strong and stable leader at the helm.”

“I am very clear that Hitler was a quite bad person who made mistakes, such as exterminating Jews instead of cynically weaponising them against the opposition. But I am the new Nelson Mandela, as I hope the media has now convinced you all, and I will rule for the ordinary people as I promised when I seized power in 2016 without a single vote being cast.”

“What’s another broken promise to a serial liar like me? I break electoral promised more often than George Osborne snorts coke.”

Corbyn smear must be true if it’s on the news, says moron

The latest media smear against Jeremy Corbyn must be true if it’s on the news, a moron has decided.

Low information voter Chris Bumfield said: “The news exists to inform and educate the public, and is definitely not owned by corrupt billionaires with the sole purpose of fooling us into voting against our own interests. That’s why I believe that if it’s being talked about on the news, then Jeremy Corbyn is definitely anti-Semitic like they keep saying.”

“I don’t pay much attention to things like whether there’s actually any evidence to back up the claim that he’s anti-Semitic, but because the media and people who want Corbyn out have been talking about it for so long, while ignoring widespread incompetence and racism in the Conservative Government, I reckon it’s all definitely true.”

“I mean, people don’t make up smears and then talk about them for ages if the made up smears are not true, do they?”

“Yeah, I used to quite like Jeremy Corbyn’s policy of making the rich pay their taxes so we can have a dignified society for all, with well funded public services and an end to homelessness and poverty. But then some billionaires started saying some bad things about Corbyn, and some moderate Labour politicians who believe in nothing except their own power starting saying the same bad things, which all convinced me that Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell while Theresa May is the British Nelson Mandela.”

“I’m just glad Rupert Murdoch, Laura Kuenssberg and Stephen Kinnock were around to stop me making the terrible mistake of voting for someone like Jeremy Corbyn, whose plans to fund public services and fight poverty would be to the detriment of the cruelly oppressed elite.”

“I see now that the real reason ordinary people’s lives have become so difficult is because we still don’t give enough of our money to people who are already extremely rich.”

Shock new media claim: Corbyn stood next to someone in 1988

Jeremy Corbyn stood next to someone or something in 1988, according to shocking new claims in the mainstream media today.

An explosive photo showing Jeremy Corbyn standing next to someone in 1988 has been splashed across the front pages of the mainstream media today, and is being heavily featured on the BBC, with Tory MPs and a number of pretend Labour MPs calling for his immediate resignation.

Writing in the Daily Mail, the pretend former Labour supporter Dan Hodges said: “I find it completely scandalous for Jeremy Corbyn to have stood next to someone in 1988.”

“As somebody who frequently pretends to have once supported Labour, I am uniquely placed to call for Corbyn resign and allow someone like Luke Akehurst, who has no interest in helping the poor and vulnerable, to take over the leadership.”

“With a nearly perfect track record of electoral failure, Luke Akehurst is the perfect choice to lead Labour to general election defeat, allowing my beloved Tories to continue to ratchet up the suffering of the poorest and most vulnerable for the personal financial benefit of the wealth creators and high net worth individuals who must be enriched at all costs.”

Staunch Corbyn Critic Margaret Hodge has also weighed in on the Corbyn photo scandal: “I’ve hated Jeremy Corbyn ever since he vanquished me in a debate in 1995, and now we’ve got him on the ropes with these ludicrous antisemitism smears. The amazing thing is that so many people are gullible enough to believe me, someone who covered up massive child abuse as Leader of Islington Council, that a lifelong anti-racism campaigner like Jeremy is actually a racist bigot.”

“Corbyn represents an existential threat to the wealth of high net worth individuals who don’t give a shit about poverty, homelessness or the NHS, and that is why he should immediately resign and hand power over to someone who will abandon hard-left ideas about helping the little people and making the rich pay their taxes again.”

A spokesperson for Jeremy Corbyn told a baying mob of fanatical propagandists, sometimes also known as MSM journalists: “As a Member of Parliament, Jeremy Corbyn often finds himself in the presence of people who may have very different ideals to his, but this doesn’t necessarily mean he accepts or shares their political beliefs.”

The spokesperson added: “In this case it is regrettable for Jeremy Corbyn to have been photographed with a known extremist who recently provided arms for the terror-bombing of children in Yemen, but at the time of the photograph Jeremy had no reason to suspect that Theresa May would go on to be involved in atrocities such as the recent Yemen terror bombings .”

If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, say Tories

If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, the Tories have said.

Speaking on the BBC, the Housing Minister said: “Sensing an opportunity to pretend we give a shit, the Government is proud to announce a new plan to eliminate the homeless within 200 years.”

“In its initial phase, the plan is to commission an independent inquiry by a retired establishment figure, who will spend at least five years looking into the causes of homelessness, before concluding that there is no known cause. And if the Israeli government pay us enough, then our report may also conclude that Jeremy Corbyn, or whoever is the Leader of the Opposition at the time, is anti-Semitic.”

James Brokenshire added: “If only there was an easier way to know the causes of homelessness, because getting rid the homeless from the streets of Conservative-voting areas is something I feel passionate about.”

“Until we have fully understood the causes of homelessness, there will be a moratorium on all new housing projects for ten to fifteen years to ensure middle-class baby boomers can continue to enjoy rising property prices, and we will be asking landlords to continue to rip-off ordinary people who have no choice but to rent.”

“Among our proposed solutions to the homelessness problem, at top of our list is to provide all homeless people with a 1:100 scale model of a suburban semi-detached 2 bedroom house, which would allow the Government to remove them from the official statistics of homeless people.”

David Davis has negotiated “bespoke resignation deal” and will keep ministerial salary and perks

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

David Davis resigns to spend more time with his magical fantasies

David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.

The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”

“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”

“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

Cave divers find Tory party and are now trying to guide it to Brexit

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cave divers have found the Tory party trapped in a cave and are now trying to guide it to Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking to reporters, the head of the Cave rescue Service said: “We received a frantic call early this morning to report a party of extremist nutters who need rescuing from deep within a flooded cave.”

“They appear to have  survived in the dark for two years by eating themselves, and if they don’t get out soon, there it is feared they will consume Theresa May.”

“We are doing our best to coax them out to safety, but the group is more interested in bickering amongst themselves over how best to screw over the poor, and Boris just wants to be leader and doesn’t give a shit about getting the rest of the group to safety.”

“We’ve explained several plausible rescue plans to them over the radio, but the group keeps demanding that we follow their own impossible and unrealistic plan.”

“It’s as though they have no interest or understanding of basic facts, and believe they can make their wildest fantasies come true simply through wishful thinking and pig-headed stubbornness.”

Tories to immediately withdraw England from World Cup “to respect referendum result”

England are to be withdrawn from the FIFA World Cup in order to respect the will of the people, a spokesman has confirmed.

Speaking at a press conference at the headquarters of the FA, the spokesman said: “The Prime Minister has instructed the Football Association to withdraw England from the FIFA World Cup effective immediately, in preparation for the 2018 Commonwealth Football Cup which will be held in Belize during November and December, and the FA are pleased to confirm that we have formally given notice of our withdrawal from both FIFA and UEFA.”

Asked by a Sun reporter whether he accepts that “the will of the people is to quit the World Cup like Rupert Murdoch says it is”, Gareth Southgate replied cautiously: “It’s not ideal because England still had a chance of reaching the final of the FIFA World Cup, having reached the quarter finals tonight after our victory over Colombia, and the lads are understandably disappointed to be going home early, but we have to accept at the end of the day this isn’t a democracy and Theresa May’s iron will must be obeyed.”

Also in attendance was Matthew Hancock, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, who told reporters: “We are proud to announce England’s immediate withdrawal from the World Cup, freeing our once proud footballing nation from the shackles of the unelected and corrupt supranational body called FIFA.”

“British fans will soon be able to enjoy exciting fixtures such as Barbados vs England, Wales vs Nauru and Canada vs Scotland. Our researchers have predicted that Harry Kane will win the Commonwealth Golden Boot award with between 100 and 150 goals due to the low quality opposition, and we believe an easy England victory will provide a much needed morale boost for gammons at a time when Brexit is turning out to be pretty shit.”

 

Heaven knows I’m fascist now, says Morrissey

Morrissey has released a long awaited new single, titled Heaven Knows I’m Fascist now, it has been confirmed.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Smiths front man said: “As somebody with far right sympathies, it really angers me that career criminal Tommy Robinson has once again been jailed after pleading guilty to a crime he definitely committed.”

“As a minor football hooligan who has done nothing with his life except commit a string of crimes and then talk about it on TV, Tommy Robinson is a hero to me and should be immediately freed because a bunch of other hooligans say so.”

“They went on a violent march in London and everything, surely that tells you all you need to know about the incredible racial purity of Robinson’s movement.”

“In solidarity with Robinson, I have released my new single called Heaven Knows I’m Fascist Now, which I hope will raise awarenes among the public about what a cunt I have become.”

Finally, our time is up and I get up to leave. Morrissey offers a final quote: “Look at me everyone, I’m still here and seeking your attention, any attention at all, just don’t let me fade away into obscurity.”

 

Byker Grove remake will warn children about socialism and medicinal cannabis

The hit youth TV series Byker Grove is to be “rebooted” for Brexit Britain, and will warn children off socialism and medicinal cannabis, the BBC has announced.

The Culture Secretary, Matthew Hancock, told reporters: “The original Byker Grove television series taught British children about a variety of issues that were relevant in the late 80s and 90s, like joyriding, drugs, and the importance of wearing protective goggles while playing paintball.”

“It’s now time to reboot the ground-breaking series in a way that will help the Government maintain order, and keep the little people in their rightful place at the bottom of society, being stamped to death by a Tory jackboot.”

“With support for Brexit falling and the ongoing Tory Omnishambles led by Theresa May, it is important to reconnect with children and warn them about satanic ideas like socialism, medicinal cannabis or having compassion for people who are sick or disabled.”

“The idea is to create a generation of far-right automatons who will grow up to vote Conservative regardless of how much we punish them and destroy their lives.”

“The all-star cast includes Damian Green MP, who will play masturbation-mad youth leader Geoff Keegan, and there will be at least one cameo appearance by Esther McVey, who is very keen to teach children how to discriminate against the sick and disabled from an early age.”

“In the first episode, viewers will see the youth club reopening with a number of changes appropriate for 2018 being made. The opening scene revolves around Esther McVey using a jackhammer to destroy a wheelchair access ramp, telling onlookers that she’s already cured all the disabled people in the country.”

“Iain Duncan Smith also makes a guest appearance to hang a ‘work sets you free’ sign over the entrance. Later, he talks to the youth leader about how best to separate new arrivals to the club, where to site the ovens, and the readiness of the rail network to transport large numbers of people to DWP camps.”

“Some details are yet to be decided, but the season finale will conclude with Esther McVey boasting about how many benefit claimants have died after her department stopped their benefits, while Damian Green masturbates progressively more furiously under his desk, eventually climaxing and firing a jet of reproductive mucus onto McVey’s blouse.”