By Jeff Bumfield

The UK Government has finally announced a date for “Freedom Day”, when it will thoroughly wash its hands of all responsibility for the heath and financial security of the public.

The day 19 July will mark the country’s official transition from Mad Max 1 to Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome, after which the continued spread of the Covid-19 virus will be entirely the fault of the public, according to the Government.

According to an unnamed Government minister, “The Great British public are incredibly intelligent, as proven by the 52 per cent who voted to crash the economy in an historic vote in 2016, and we have every confidence that British common sense will prevail.”

“Anyone who is still concerned about their family contracting the virus will be entirely free to send their nanny, or one of the other servants, to Fortnum & Mason when the pantry needs restocking with caviar and champagne.”

“I understand not everyone can do exactly this , but if people are simply too lazy to be born into extreme wealth, then there’s really nothing more we can do to help them, my dear fellow.”

However, the pandemic has not been bad new for everybody, as the minister went on to explain: “We will, of course, be setting up a fund to help those in financial need as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic. Anyone can apply to become a taxpayer-funded millionaire through this scheme, as long as they are a close friend or relative of a Government minister, or have previously made a significant donation to the Conservative Party.”

A spokesperson for the government said: “The people clearly voted to be royally shafted by the incompetent psychopaths we are. We’ve trashed the economy, we’ve given them a world-beating Covid-19 death toll, and now we’re taking away their freedom. This is what we promised in the 2016 referendum and we are proud to have delivered on that promise.”

Kelvin MacKenzie has provoked widespread public anger by claiming he is the ‘biggest victim’ of the Hillsborough disaster.

When cornered by a Newscrasher reporter, MacKenzie said: “I’m the real victim of the Hillsborough disaster, and the selfishness of the families of the dead in not recognising my suffering knows no end.”

In recent days the former Sun editor has also called for a public inquiry into the victimisation of Sun journalists, some of whom have been accused of picking the pockets of Hillsborough victims and urinating on bodies.

Asked about his reasons for publishing lies about the fans caught up in the Hillborough disaster, Mr MacKenzie said: “I’m a known liar, and for decades I have profited from publishing lies so outrageous they would make even Josef Goebbels blush.”

“I never expected my extensive history of reprehensible behaviour, including some potentially illegal activity, to catch up with me, but I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.”

The right wing Prime Minister has today offered a new excuse in an attempt to explain away his controversial and apparently highly irregular tax affairs.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Mr Cameron told reporters: “Even though I knowingly avoided large sums of tax over a number of years, it was entirely innocent because I was merely conducting research into tax avoidance by the super rich.”

“My naming in the Panama tax scandal was all totally planned by me from the outset, as a means to draw maximum attention to the very serious issue of offshore tax avoidance by the rich. My long term aim was to seek and destroy all offshore tax loopholes that allow the rich to avoid paying the tax that our starved public services are crying out for.”

“This is the culmination of my anti tax avoidance project and is a great victory for myself and George Osborne, who a has also conducted extensive undercover research into highly immoral tax avoidance methods for several decades.”

A former Labour Prime Minister and alleged war criminal, speaking on Condition of anonymity, told Newscrasher: “David Cameron, who is almost as wealthy and as corrupt as I am, is clearly in the right here. Despite the despicable calls for his resignation from the left of the Labour Party, who I hope never win a general election, Cameron has proven that he’s still totally in touch with the public mood.”

The former premier, whose personal wealth is thought to run to several tens of millions of pounds, added: “And that is why I believe Jeremy Corbyn should resign immediately for no reason, live on the BBC like Michael Dugher heroically did.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister, calling him “our James Bond PM, the people’s PM, fighting global tax injustice”.