Tag Archives: BBC

Brexit means f*** off, EU tells Theresa May

Brexit means f*** off, the rest of the European Union has told Theresa May, as she grovels for concessions in Brussels last night.

“Brexit means Brexit, and the will of the people is for a red, white and blue Brexit that only I can deliver. But for this to happen I need to stay in power, and that is why I have been running around the EU like a headless chicken begging EU leaders for concessions to appease rabid extremist Tories.”

“Even though the entire EU just told me to just go and f*** myself, I am pleased to announce that a new deal is now 95 per cent complete, so please let me stay in power a bit longer while I keep this shambolic shit-show going for just a few more months.”

“I would also like to remind everyone that it is in the national interest for me to stay in power as Prime Minister for as long as possible, so I can continue to cover up years of wrongdoing from my time as Home Secretary, including the truth surrounding my decision to shred Windrush documents, and my refusal to allow the security services to investigate Russian interference in UK democracy.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg tweeted: “Genius May wins historic backing of Parliament and the little people, strong and stable in the national interest. Not like vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn.”


Corbyn smear must be true if it’s on the news, says moron

The latest media smear against Jeremy Corbyn must be true if it’s on the news, a moron has decided.

Low information voter Chris Bumfield said: “The news exists to inform and educate the public, and is definitely not owned by corrupt billionaires with the sole purpose of fooling us into voting against our own interests. That’s why I believe that if it’s being talked about on the news, then Jeremy Corbyn is definitely anti-Semitic like they keep saying.”

“I don’t pay much attention to things like whether there’s actually any evidence to back up the claim that he’s anti-Semitic, but because the media and people who want Corbyn out have been talking about it for so long, while ignoring widespread incompetence and racism in the Conservative Government, I reckon it’s all definitely true.”

“I mean, people don’t make up smears and then talk about them for ages if the made up smears are not true, do they?”

“Yeah, I used to quite like Jeremy Corbyn’s policy of making the rich pay their taxes so we can have a dignified society for all, with well funded public services and an end to homelessness and poverty. But then some billionaires started saying some bad things about Corbyn, and some moderate Labour politicians who believe in nothing except their own power starting saying the same bad things, which all convinced me that Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell while Theresa May is the British Nelson Mandela.”

“I’m just glad Rupert Murdoch, Laura Kuenssberg and Stephen Kinnock were around to stop me making the terrible mistake of voting for someone like Jeremy Corbyn, whose plans to fund public services and fight poverty would be to the detriment of the cruelly oppressed elite.”

“I see now that the real reason ordinary people’s lives have become so difficult is because we still don’t give enough of our money to people who are already extremely rich.”


New Spitting Image to focus exclusively on Jeremy Corbyn being ‘unelectable’, BBC confirms

Satirical show Spitting Image will return to BBC this spring, but will focus exclusively on Jeremy Corbyn being ‘unelectable’, the state broadcaster has confirmed.

Tweeting on Twitter, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “We thought it was about time to bring back Spitting Image, but this time around the show will not shy away from the most pressing political questions of the day.”

“Instead of satirising boring things like Tory incompetence or the demented behaviour of the Prime Minister, Spitting Image will altogether avoid any kind of criticism of the Conservatives and will instead focus on Jeremy Corbyn and why I say he is unelectable.”

“Keeping Jeremy Corbyn out of power is in the public interest of the will of the people as embodied by our supreme leader Theresa May, whose divine right to rule cannot and must not be challenged, ever.”

“Corbyn will be shown as a vampire antichrist who is trying to overthrow the legitimate far right government using the ballot box, even going as far as to try to purge Tory MPs from their rightful seats by winning more votes in a general election.”

“Theresa May, however, will be shown as a saintly figure who works tirelessly to make sure the poor and the needy are well provided for, despite unpatriotic opposition from the Labour Party, who ruthlessly defy her iron will and cause the collapse of the NHS by talking the country down.”



Tory reshuffle chaos doesn’t matter, look at Corbyn, says BBC

Theresa May’s chaotic reshuffle isn’t newsworthy, so look at Jeremy Corbyn instead, the BBC says.

Speaking on the BBC’s rolling anti-Corbyn channel, Laura Kuenssberg said: “When Jeremy Corbyn did a reshuffle of his front bench team we made as much political capital out of it for the Conservatives, but now the PM has done this shambolic reshuffle of her own it has become clear that reporting this kind of thing is simply not in the public interest. The public should instead look at whatever smears we’ve concocted against Labour this week.”

“As the national broadcaster, the BBC is obliged to provide fair and balanced coverage of current events and politics. We do this by ensuring our coverage shows the Conservative Party in the best light possible, to counter-balance the unfair bias the general public has against their selfish, hateful policies.”

“Similarly, our impartiality guidelines effectively oblige us to help the Tories dismantle the NHS by putting out hard-right propaganda and blaming as much as possible on Labour, who haven’t been in power since 2010.”

“I’m one of the most successful propagandists of our time, having kept Labour out of power at the last two elections, giving the Tories a free hand to cause over a hundred thousand excess deaths as people starve due to lack of money, or die waiting for life saving treatment in underfunded NHS hospitals. It’s great having no morals!”


I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning, says Theresa May

In association with piggate2

I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking on the campaign trail, the Prime Minister said: “I support fox hunting because I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning.”

“Fox hunting is an entirely wholesome sport for white, heterosexual Conservative voters who care little for the well being of animals or other human beings.”

“And the reason I am able to state such a hateful opinion today is that I have most of the mainstream media in my pocket, including the BBC who are doing a fantastic job of holding Jeremy Corbyn and Tim Farron to account for attempting to defy the iron will of the people that I embody.”

“The BBC would never dream of asking me questions like ‘do you approve of homosexuality?’ or ‘why are you so unelectable and are you going to immediately resign?’, because they know they’d lose their charter.”

“And besides, my party has filled the BBC with secret and not so secret Tories, who are more than happy to help turn Britain into a one-party state where no criticism of the Conservative Government is heard, except on alt-left fake news websites like The Canary and Another Angry Voice, both of which should be banned.”

Conservative activist Chris Bumfield said: “Fox hunting is great because it’s something people did in the past, and going to back to thing we did in the past is brilliant.”

“Like Brexit, fox hunting is definitely going to make Britain great again.”


BBC to go mad at minor Labour gaffes but will let cruel Tories off the hook

The BBC has decided to go mad at the slightest slip up by Labour, while letting the cruel Tories get away with murder, it has emerged.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “Cruel bullies from the general public are victimising our beloved leader Theresa May, sometimes trying to ask her things about food banks or Brexit, despite the fact that she doesn’t have any answers.”

“Therefore, to uphold the impartiality of the BBC, it has been decided that we must redressing the balance by adopting an even stronger pro-Tory, anti-Labour bias than we usually have.”

“Between now and June the 8th, the BBC will no longer report on anything that could possibly harm the prospect of the Conservative landslide.”

“Things like Tory MPs being prosecuted for electoral fraud, Theresa May being unable to answer questions about any subject without parroting one of three soundbites, or the social and economic disaster that the Brexiteers have brought on Britain. All out of the question now.”

“The BBC will also intensify the way it seizes upon even the smallest gaffe from Labour, attempting to magnify it into something the public can perceive as a huge scandal and a good reason to vote Conservative against their best interests.”

Mrs Kuenssberg added: “And if there are no actual gaffes to report, I’ll just make up some more fake news about Jeremy Corbyn again.”


BBC to review security after non-Brexiter sneaks into Question Time audience

The BBC is conducting an urgent review into its security procedures after a non-Brexiter was somehow able to sneak into the Question Time audience, it has been revealed.

Question Time host David Dimbleby said: “Our audience is carefully selected to be as representative as possible of what the Government would like to the British public to be.”

“However, on this occasion it was discovered that a member of the public who is not right wing or racist somehow managed to sneak into the Question Time audience.”

“Instead of asking a sensible question like ‘when will my hero Nigel Farage get his well deserved knighthood?’, the interloper instead asked a question that was very unfair to the Government because it made use of real facts.”

“We apologise to the Government for this oversight, and we are now reviewing our security and vetting procedures to make sure this never, ever happens again.”

Get your socialist and anti-Brexit T-shirts here!

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Because Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable, just like whoever ends up replacing him as Labour leader will be, it is important that the state broadcasting corporation adheres to a strict policy of undermining Labour at every possible opportunity.”

“This includes criticising Corbyn for things we have no issue with when Conservatives do the same or worse, and finding inventive ways to blame Labour for fuck-ups made by Cabinet Ministers.”

“However, if the BBC is to succeed in this patriotic task, we must ensure we always have the highest quality right wing audiences in all our live programmes, especially Question Time.”


BBC should respect will of people and stop airing anti-Brexit views, says Government

The BBC must respect the will of the people and stop airing anti-Brexit views, the Government has said.

Speaking on BBC Question Time, a Conservative minister said: “The British people have spoken. Even though they were tricked by lies and fake news, the people cannot be allowed to change their minds, ever.”

“There is now only a short window of time left before the Conservatives install themselves as a full dictatorship with the ability to exercise plenary powers, answerable to no-one.”

“Therefore, at this crucial time the government requires the BBC and all other media outlets to dissuade the people from doing anything silly, like disagreeing with the will of the people as dictated by our Lord Protector Theresa May.”

“These extraordinary measures will be needed only for a short while, until the Enabling Act 2017 (Law to Remedy the Distress of People and Reich) has been passed into law.”

“At that point the Reich Kabinett and the Fuhrer herself will be free to rule by decree, free from interference from the treacherous democratic elements that have dogged Parliament for centuries with their moderate ideals.”

Nodding in agreement, the show’s host David Dimbleby said: “Yes, and as the state broadcaster the BBC has a legal and moral obligation to help the Tories stay in power and hold to account the opposing political groups, be they Labour or traitors who wish to remain in the crumbling EU.”

“Take the BBC’s reluctance to give coverage to the large anti Brexit march in London a few days ago. This was the largest protest in the UK since the Iraq war protests in 2003, but we managed to downplay the size of the crowd and give the impression that it was nothing more than a small group of hard line activists, not a popular movement against the heroically dictatorial government we now enjoy.”

A spokesman for Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn said: “Jeremy opposes the Tories with all his strength, and that is why he intends to impose a three line whip to make sure Labour MPs vote with the Government on this important issue.”

Image credit: Horace McSavage


BBC Question Time to spend full hour on Jeremy Corbyn’s tax return and why it makes him unelectable

BBC Question Time will spend a full hour discussing Jeremy Corbyn’s tax return and why it proves he is definitely unelectable, it has been decided.

Speaking in her capacity as spokesperson for the Conservative Party, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is unfair and unpatriotic of Jeremy Corbyn to divert attention away from his proven unelectability and onto the obviously dodgy tax affairs of senior Conservatives such as Philip Hammond or Theresa May.”

“Fortunately, the BBC stands ready to hold the Labour leader to account for his antidemocratic and unpatriotic opposition to this government, which has an unchallengeable mandate to do anything it wants under the guise of the will of the people.”

“And that is why this week’s Question Time will be dedicated in its entirety to smearing Jeremy Corbyn even more than normal.”

“Theresa May asked us to ensure that the opening question is ‘does the panel agree with everybody in Britain that Jeremy Corbyn is an unelectable tax dodger, and when do you think he should resign?'”

“The second question will see the panel asked why they think Theresa May is loved so much by the people, and how brilliant things will be when she takes us out of the EU.”

“In the unlikely event that an anti-Tory audience member manages to speak, they will be overdubbed with a recording of New Labour attack dog John McTernan ranting about Jeremy Corbyn.”


Philip Hammond won’t publish tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’

Philip Hammond believes that he shouldn’t have to publish his tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’, it has emerged.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is understood to be considering publishing details of his earnings and tax avoidance, after Jeremy Corbyn published his own tax return and challenged the Tory front bench to do the same.

However,  Hammond remains defiant: “Taxes are for the little people, not wealthy government ministers like me who are too good to use public services like the NHS.”

“I don’t really give a fuck what voters think about my financial situation and whether or not I pay my taxes honestly. There’s not very much in the way of tax avoidance in my return anyway.”

“Now that we Tories have a major fake news outlet like the BBC fighting for us, we barely have to worry about the opposition these days.”

“And thanks in part to how good the BBC has become at holding the unelectable, unpatriotic opposition to account, people who are quite stupid will keep on voting for us no matter what.”

“I’ll probably just sit tight for a while and watch the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg try to smear Jeremy Corbyn over nonexistent mistakes in his tax return.”