Tag Archives: BBC

UK News

BBC gets banned from Facebook minutes after launch of ‘fake news’ algorithm

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The BBC has been banned from Facebook within minutes of the social media platform’s launch of a new algorithm that detects and blocks ‘fake news’, it has emerged.

Tory propagandist Laura Kuenssberg expressed concerns about the growing public awareness about ‘fake news’, saying: “As propagandist in chief of the Conservative Party, it is my legal and moral duty to hold the Labour opposition to account using lies and highly biased reporting.”

“When I first heard that ‘fake news’ was to be targeted on social media, I assumed Facebook were looking to crush the independent, left wing news websites that have filled the vacuum left by the predominantly hard-right mainstream media.”

“Sites like The Canary have already done far too much to expose the truth about me and my Conservative masters, and there are many people in parliament or in the mainstream media who would love to see independent, left wing media disappear.”

“However, I was deeply disappointed to learn that news stories put out by fake journalists like me are also going to be put under objective scrutiny.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to keep the working people of Britain ignorant and oppressed if I’m prevented from inserting my lies into the social media feed of unsuspecting voters?”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The PM is absolutely livid, because this raises the possibility that voters may discover the truth about how she’s trying to screw them in so many devious ways.”

A spokeswoman for Facebook has given assurances that users will still be able to opt-in to receive BBC ‘fake news’ in their feeds, but it will come tagged with the words ‘Biased Bullshit Corporation’.

UK News

Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

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Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable  smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”

UK News

BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg wins biased right wing journalist of the year award

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The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has won the Biased Right Wing Journalist of the Year Award, it has been announced.

Accepting the award from her boss Theresa May, Mrs Kuenssberg said: “It is an honour to accept this golden trophy, cast in the shape of a boot stamping down on a human face forever.”

“When I first joined the BBC, I did not realise how important a role I would come to play in the smearing of Jeremy Corbyn and keeping a number of massive Tory scandals out of the news.”

“Scandals such as the multiple criminal investigations into electoral fraud by the Conservative Party, or the allegation that David Cameron once performed an illegal sexual act with the head of a dead pig, either of which ought to have brought down the government and potentially landed Mr Cameron in prison.”

“By helping the right wing establishment hold onto power, I have helped them exploit and sometimes kill the poorest and most vulnerable in society, all for the benefit of the very rich.”

“As my good friend David Cameron once told me, there is no greater way to serve the country than to collude with the rich elite in their vicious war on the little people.”

Prime minister Theresa May was among those who offered praise for Kuenssberg: “Laura is a true British patriot and will surely go down as one of the greatest heroes in the history of this fascist country, the future of which I am intent on destroying by taking us out of the European Union against the wishes of the sane majority.”

UK News

BBC broadcasts Nuremberg rally footage instead of Question Time, and nobody notices a difference

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The BBC have inadvertently broadcast footage from Adolf Hitler’s 1933 Nuremburg  rally in place of Question Time and nobody noticed a difference, it has emerged.

UKIP Leader Paul Nuttall said: “I tuned in to BBC1 expecting to watch a studio full of people blaming all our problems on immigrants and remain voters. So it was a pleasant surprise that instead of the scheduled live broadcast of Question Time, the BBC appeared to have inadvertently shown one full hour of Adolf Hitler speaking to a Nazi horde at Nuremberg in the 1930s.”

“Although my political ideals are quite similar to those of the Nazis, I would like to emphasize that there are some big differences that I would like potential enemies of the state to keep in mind.”

“Unlike the Nazis, I am pushing for fascism to be instituted in Britain in the year 2016, not in 1930s Germany.”

However, not all viewers were happy with the BBC’s mistake. Chris Bumfield from Milton Keynes told Newscrasher: “It took me twenty minutes to realise that I was watching a far right politician scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in the 1930s, instead of the expected BBC programme showing far right politicians scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in 2016.”

UK News

BBC pretends it is unfamiliar with concept of fake news

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The BBC honestly had no idea until now that fake news can be a powerful tool to manipulate public opinion, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the formerly objective media outlet told Newscrasher: “In all honesty, we had no idea at all that carefully crafted fake news stories, when published by an ostensibly objective media outlet like the BBC, can sway public opinion to vote a bunch of fascists into power.”

“To feign surprise we’ll probably just run a couple of stories about online satirical news publishers like News Thump, the Daily Mash or News Crasher, to direct attention away from mainstream fake news outlets like the Daily Mail, the Sun, or the BBC, all of whom regularly publish fake news designed hoodwink the public into voting against their own self interest.”

“The pro-Conservative, pro-Brexit bias we inject into our output is purely coincidental, of course, and is nothing to do with the large number of Tories who work here at the BBC.”

“The only plausible explanation we can think of right now is that immigrants, Jeremy Corbyn and the European Union are to blame for this bias, just as they are the cause of everything bad ever.”

UK News

Nigel Farage finally admits he’s definitely a fascist twat, nobody actually shocked

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Acting leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has admitted that he is definitely a fascist twat on live television, but nobody is actually shocked.

The admission took place during his televised clash with Remain activist Gina Miller on the on the BBC’s Andrew Marr Show yesterday.

Mr Farage said: “Seventeen million patriotic British voters have spoken and they want to turn this country into the kind of fascist state that I have always campaigned for.”

“Rule of law and parliamentary sovereignty are old fashioned concepts which are not fit for purpose in twenty-first century Britain. They must both be abolished so our glorious Fuhrer Theresa May can use all the levers of power and the military to swiftly remove us from the EU, and establish fascist mob rule.”

When asked whether The Daily Mail was wrong to call the High Court judges ‘enemies of the people’, the UKIP leader said: “The Daily Mail and Express have provided visionary leadership for racist pensioners all across the country, and both papers were instrumental in our campaign to stoke hatred against foreigners and the EU in the lead up to the referendum.”

“Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that the editors of both papers should be awarded a knighthood for their part in liberating this country from the freedoms and prosperity with which the EU has long oppressed this country.”

“As the greatest war hero this country has ever known, I will also be putting my own name forward for a knighthood.”

“However, if my demand is not met, I will march on the Palace of Westminster at the head of an army of one hundred thousand racist pensioners.”

UK News

BBC to stop covering Brexit because it’s been a ‘great success and now the matter is closed’

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The BBC will no longer cover anything related to Brexit because it has been a great success and the matter is now closed, it has been announced.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “There is no truth at all in claims that Theresa May’s government has pressured us to hide the appalling negative impact of Brexit from our viewers.”

“The BBC has full editorial independence, which is why we’ve consistently toed the official Conservative Government’s line, giving David Cameron and now Theresa May an easy ride, and at the same time attacking Labour at every opportunity to give the Tories as much of an advantage as possible.”

“It is true, however, that the BBC has a duty to serve the public interest, and the best way to do this is to help the Tories implement cruel and insane policies that will ruin the lives of millions of people, including children.”

Brexit voter Chris Bumfield said: “Our ideological quest to leave an imaginary evil European empire is going splendidly, with no evidence having emerged to suggest that we are not hugely better off than before.”

“The other day somebody who knows things told me Brexit is going badly and that there’s something called ‘currency’ and it’s having a crisis right now.”

“But I put him straight: there is no currency crisis. In fact, every other currency around the world is suffering from hyperinflation due to Britain becoming so much more competitive and wealthy after our historic vote to leave the EU.”

Mr Bumfield added: “And if there are any negative effects from Brexit, which there definitely aren’t, they would be all the fault of the ‘Remoaners’ who keep talking the country down.”

“These Remoaners need to be quiet and help make Brexit a success, because this is a fascist state now and no dissent can be allowed.”

UK News

Racism much more important than prosperity, Theresa May announces

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Being a racist country is much more important than prosperity and tolerance, the Prime Minister has decided.

Speaking to a fawning Andrew Marr who failed to ask any difficult questions, Theresa May said: “Although having a strong economy with high levels of employment and prosperity is important, I firmly believe that those things must be sacrificed at the altar of fascism so that we may turn the United Kingdom into a fully fledged racist country.”

“And that is why I am taking the country out of the European Union against the wishes and best interests of the majority of the people.”

In an audibly wavering voice, the Prime Minister continued: “Foreigners who walk among us will need to identify themselves using special badges, so that racists can more readily zero in and express their genuine concerns over immigration using abusive language.”

Speaking directly to Mr. Marr, the dictator added: “This brings us to the end of my list of approved questions, and thanks for not asking me about my secret meeting with my boss, Rupert Murdoch. Your OBE is in the post.”

To which the presenter replied: “Double plus good, your Britannic excellency. Let us stick together to keep the plebs in poverty.”

UK News

Jeremy Corbyn biased against everyone, BBC claims

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The BBC has defended its apparent bias against Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn by arguing that Corbyn is the one who is in fact biased.

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn and his communist nazi stormtrooper supporters often claim that the right wing media, including the pro-Tory BBC, are biased against him and the left. This could not be further from the truth.”

“In actual fact, it is Mr Corbyn and the left who are extremely biased, not only against the mainstream media, but also against the country in general, because Britain is a completely right wing country.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Ever since democracy was reestablished in 1979, Britain has always elected right wing governments. So when Jeremy Corbyn makes wild claims about media bias he is purposefully and malevolently offending every man, woman, child and cat in this amazing, God-fearing country.”

“And that is why I have been out to get him since day one of his tenure as leader. I loathe Jeremy Corbyn and everything he stands for, from his pathetic interest in lifting children out of poverty, to his squeamishness about dropping bombs on innocent children in Syria.”

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson, wearing a tin foil hat to ‘block Momentum mind control rays’, said: “Jeremy’s idea of actually helping ordinary people, instead of bowing down to corporations and media magnates is so last century.”

“He needs to step aside for somebody a bit more electable, and by that I mean more right wing, so that Labour can return to power and do basically the same shit as the Tories. Perhaps we can get Hilary Benn in the cabinet again and start a few more illegal wars.”