Tag Archives: bias

BBC to go mad at minor Labour gaffes but will let cruel Tories off the hook

The BBC has decided to go mad at the slightest slip up by Labour, while letting the cruel Tories get away with murder, it has emerged.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “Cruel bullies from the general public are victimising our beloved leader Theresa May, sometimes trying to ask her things about food banks or Brexit, despite the fact that she doesn’t have any answers.”

“Therefore, to uphold the impartiality of the BBC, it has been decided that we must redressing the balance by adopting an even stronger pro-Tory, anti-Labour bias than we usually have.”

“Between now and June the 8th, the BBC will no longer report on anything that could possibly harm the prospect of the Conservative landslide.”

“Things like Tory MPs being prosecuted for electoral fraud, Theresa May being unable to answer questions about any subject without parroting one of three soundbites, or the social and economic disaster that the Brexiteers have brought on Britain. All out of the question now.”

“The BBC will also intensify the way it seizes upon even the smallest gaffe from Labour, attempting to magnify it into something the public can perceive as a huge scandal and a good reason to vote Conservative against their best interests.”

Mrs Kuenssberg added: “And if there are no actual gaffes to report, I’ll just make up some more fake news about Jeremy Corbyn again.”

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BBC Question Time to spend full hour on Jeremy Corbyn’s tax return and why it makes him unelectable

BBC Question Time will spend a full hour discussing Jeremy Corbyn’s tax return and why it proves he is definitely unelectable, it has been decided.

Speaking in her capacity as spokesperson for the Conservative Party, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is unfair and unpatriotic of Jeremy Corbyn to divert attention away from his proven unelectability and onto the obviously dodgy tax affairs of senior Conservatives such as Philip Hammond or Theresa May.”

“Fortunately, the BBC stands ready to hold the Labour leader to account for his antidemocratic and unpatriotic opposition to this government, which has an unchallengeable mandate to do anything it wants under the guise of the will of the people.”

“And that is why this week’s Question Time will be dedicated in its entirety to smearing Jeremy Corbyn even more than normal.”

“Theresa May asked us to ensure that the opening question is ‘does the panel agree with everybody in Britain that Jeremy Corbyn is an unelectable tax dodger, and when do you think he should resign?'”

“The second question will see the panel asked why they think Theresa May is loved so much by the people, and how brilliant things will be when she takes us out of the EU.”

“In the unlikely event that an anti-Tory audience member manages to speak, they will be overdubbed with a recording of New Labour attack dog John McTernan ranting about Jeremy Corbyn.”

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BBC gets banned from Facebook minutes after launch of ‘fake news’ algorithm

The BBC has been banned from Facebook within minutes of the social media platform’s launch of a new algorithm that detects and blocks ‘fake news’, it has emerged.

Tory propagandist Laura Kuenssberg expressed concerns about the growing public awareness about ‘fake news’, saying: “As propagandist in chief of the Conservative Party, it is my legal and moral duty to hold the Labour opposition to account using lies and highly biased reporting.”

“When I first heard that ‘fake news’ was to be targeted on social media, I assumed Facebook were looking to crush the independent, left wing news websites that have filled the vacuum left by the predominantly hard-right mainstream media.”

“Sites like The Canary have already done far too much to expose the truth about me and my Conservative masters, and there are many people in parliament or in the mainstream media who would love to see independent, left wing media disappear.”

“However, I was deeply disappointed to learn that news stories put out by fake journalists like me are also going to be put under objective scrutiny.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to keep the working people of Britain ignorant and oppressed if I’m prevented from inserting my lies into the social media feed of unsuspecting voters?”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The PM is absolutely livid, because this raises the possibility that voters may discover the truth about how she’s trying to screw them in so many devious ways.”

A spokeswoman for Facebook has given assurances that users will still be able to opt-in to receive BBC ‘fake news’ in their feeds, but it will come tagged with the words ‘Biased Bullshit Corporation’.

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Jeremy Corbyn biased against everyone, BBC claims

The BBC has defended its apparent bias against Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn by arguing that Corbyn is the one who is in fact biased.

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn and his communist nazi stormtrooper supporters often claim that the right wing media, including the pro-Tory BBC, are biased against him and the left. This could not be further from the truth.”

“In actual fact, it is Mr Corbyn and the left who are extremely biased, not only against the mainstream media, but also against the country in general, because Britain is a completely right wing country.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Ever since democracy was reestablished in 1979, Britain has always elected right wing governments. So when Jeremy Corbyn makes wild claims about media bias he is purposefully and malevolently offending every man, woman, child and cat in this amazing, God-fearing country.”

“And that is why I have been out to get him since day one of his tenure as leader. I loathe Jeremy Corbyn and everything he stands for, from his pathetic interest in lifting children out of poverty, to his squeamishness about dropping bombs on innocent children in Syria.”

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson, wearing a tin foil hat to ‘block Momentum mind control rays’, said: “Jeremy’s idea of actually helping ordinary people, instead of bowing down to corporations and media magnates is so last century.”

“He needs to step aside for somebody a bit more electable, and by that I mean more right wing, so that Labour can return to power and do basically the same shit as the Tories. Perhaps we can get Hilary Benn in the cabinet again and start a few more illegal wars.”

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