Tag Archives: boris

Respect the democratic will of people who believed our outrageous lies, Brexiters demand

Everybody must now respect the democratic will of people who were sold a pack of outrageous lies about the benefits of leaving the EU, leading Brexiters have decided.

Speaking outside Parliament, David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June, the people voted for the pack of outrageous lies that I and others sold them. We must now respect the democratic will of the people who we scammed into voting to leave the EU, and anybody who fails to do so is clearly anti-democratic and an enemy of the people.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Like many people I want to leave the EU because I am xenophobic and do not like foreigners and non-whites moving to my provincial town, but to save face among my family and friends I needed to find some rational-sounding reasons to vote Leave.”

“Thankfully, Boris and an assortment of other alleged criminals helpfully provided a number of transparent lies that would give racists like me the plausible deniability we needed.”

“Just because the case for leaving the EU was composed entirely of lies, the government should still go through with this purely ideological and hugely destructive constitutional change. This is what democracy is all about.”

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Retailers face call to introduce discount card for Leave voters

Retailers must introduce discount cards so that Leave voters can avoid the massive price rises they have caused, Boris Johnson has demanded.

Speaking on the BBC’s Daily Politics programme, the Foreign Secretary said: “The ongoing collapse of the Pound against most other currencies is all because Remain voters are talking the country down.”

“Therefore, it is with the utmost urgency that I call on British retailers to insulate patriotic Leave voters from these unforeseen price rises that they didn’t cause, by issuing a patriotic Brexit discount card.”

The formerly pro-EU politician added: “The costs will be more than offset through a series of penalty charges to be imposed on the people who caused the collapse in the Pound, and by that I mean anybody who believes the UK should stay in the EU.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Nobody could have predicted that unpatriotic Remain voters would talk-down the economy to such an extent that I too would be hit with dramatically higher retail prices, so I welcome the concept of a discount card to benefit me and all other Leave voters.”

The Britain First supporter added: “When I voted to leave the EU, I thought I’d only be ruining the lives of foreigners and stealing the future of young people, while awarding myself an even more comfortable lifestyle than I already had.”

“I wish one of those so-called ‘experts’ would have warned me about the consequences of Brexit.”

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Building a massive ship will definitely solve all our Brexit problems, a tw*t has suggested

Building a big ship for the Queen will definitely solve the large number of massive problems facing Brexit Britain, a twat has announced.

Government twat Boris Johnson said: “The British economy is in the shit due to circumstances that are totally unrelated to Britain’s historic vote to leave the EU, and the best way to solve all the problems in Brexit Britain is to build a humongous ship for the Queen.”

“The new Royal Yacht will sail from country to country carrying officials who will beg foreign governments to do trade deals with the UK on terms that are extremely generous to us.”

“Although basically all our neighbours and trading partners have told us to just f*** off until we’re properly out of the EU, we think having a big and expensive ship will definitely make them change their mind.”

The Foreign Secretary added: “I won’t be a gunboat or anything too spiffing, but we still hope the presence of a large ship will persuade Johnny Foreigner to be kind to us and give us loads of free money and stuff, despite the British government and half the voters having basically declared war on all foreign people everywhere.”

 

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Cameron to be succeeded by even bigger twat

The Conservative Party has moved to reassure the public that David Cameron will definitely be replaced by somebody who is an even bigger twat than he is.

The move comes amid growing turmoil, with the country finding itself with a ‘zombie government’ and a highly uncertain political and economic future.

Outgoing Prime Minster David Cameron said: “I proudly stand here as the worst Prime Minister this country has had in at least 300 years.”

“To use an old English saying, the scum always floats to the top, and Tory leadership elections are no exception.”

“And this is why I fully expect the party will do its duty by selecting from its ranks a new leader who is even nastier and cuntish than I am.”

In hiding after the referendum result, Boris Johnson told Newscrasher: “Many people feel scared by Brexit but let me assure you that despite trillions wiped off the global markets, the imminent break up of the UK, the return to a border and violence in Northern Ireland, the loss of Gibraltar and our bases in Cyprus, far-right groups believing they have a mandate for violence, the UK credit rating being downgraded, and the British pound collapsing, it has not been for nothing.”

“It’s been for me. And that’s all I care about.

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