The Conservative Party has moved to reassure the public that David Cameron will definitely be replaced by somebody who is an even bigger twat than he is.
The move comes amid growing turmoil, with the country finding itself with a ‘zombie government’ and a highly uncertain political and economic future.
Outgoing Prime Minster David Cameron said: “I proudly stand here as the worst Prime Minister this country has had in at least 300 years.”
“To use an old English saying, the scum always floats to the top, and Tory leadership elections are no exception.”
“And this is why I fully expect the party will do its duty by selecting from its ranks a new leader who is even nastier and cuntish than I am.”
In hiding after the referendum result, Boris Johnson told Newscrasher: “Many people feel scared by Brexit but let me assure you that despite trillions wiped off the global markets, the imminent break up of the UK, the return to a border and violence in Northern Ireland, the loss of Gibraltar and our bases in Cyprus, far-right groups believing they have a mandate for violence, the UK credit rating being downgraded, and the British pound collapsing, it has not been for nothing.”
“It’s been for me. And that’s all I care about.“
British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to resign in the very near future, as the result of a perfect storm of self-inflicted scandals concerning allegations over drug-taking, sex with a deceased pig, corruption, tax dodging, cheating in elections, and manslaughter of the sick and disabled.
Speculation abounds regarding which Conservative MP will take the helm of the party, but most commentators agree that the next Tory leader will be only marginally less unpopular than the evil dictator President Assad of Syria.
As the political storm surrounding the Cameron family’s tax affairs intensifies, the Prime Minister has once again attempted to justify his dubious offshore tax arrangements.
Visibly angry at being asked difficult questions by people who don’t know their place, Mr Cameron snarled: “Tax is for the little people, and those earning less than £100,000 a year. At six foot two and being from a wealthy family, I shouldn’t have to bother with things like honesty or actually paying my taxes.”
“I don’t know why you journalists are going round setting fire to each other over a trivial matter like my tax dodging, when I’ve done things that are far more illegal and damaging to the national interest.”
Taking to Twitter in defence of the Prime Minister, Laura Kuenssberg wrote: “PM doing nothing illegal, rich tax dodgers help poor via trickle down effect”.