Forming a ‘coalition of chaos’ with ‘terrorist sympathisers’ is now perfectly respectable, the Tories have decided.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a leading Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “The patriotic people of Britain have given us a mandate to form a coalition government with the Democratic Unionist Party of Northern Ireland.”

“Their bigoted, sectarian ideals are well aligned with those of our party, even though we do disagree on a few minor details like whether it is the Catholics or the disabled who are the most deserving of being harmed by government policy.”

“Who cares how many people DUP affiliated paramilitaries have killed, because the Tories have killed far more with their cruel policy of robbing the poor and disabled to lavish money on their rich friends.”

“The large swing towards Labour in the closing stages of the election campaign, despite our repeated lies about the prospect of a Labour led ‘coalition of chaos’ and ‘terrorist sympathisers’, has given the Conservative Party a clear mandate to form its own coalition of chaos with terrorist sympathisers from the DUP, which means Theresa May is merely following the will of the people.”