Tag Archives: Corbyn

UK News

Theresa May to embark on career in stand up comedy

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After her comedic success in Parliament, the Prime Minister is now considering a career in stand up comedy, it has been revealed.

Theresa May said: “My wooden delivery of a succession of low quality scripted jokes, when I should have been answering questions about serious issues such as poverty and housing, caused significant mirth and chortling from the toffs on the benches behind me.”

“However, it is possible that my Conservative colleagues were laughing instead at the thought of killing large numbers of disabled people, and plunging yet more children into poverty through our cruel austerity policies.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, whose fawning and uncritical coverage of Mrs. May has raised eyebrows in some quarters, described the PM’s performance as “a masterclass in batting away the trifling concerns of the undeserving poor, to focus on bigger issues like whether Jeremy Corbyn is a communist vampire antichrist and a traitor who will be the death of us all.”

Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson was also impressed, saying: “I’ll support anything that makes Jeremy look bad, because I fucking hate him. His intention to improve the lives of the poor, the sick, the homeless, and even rail passengers is fucking disgusting.”

Mr Watson added: “Beware Jeremy Corbyn’s left wing mind control rays. Wear your aluminium foil hat at all times.”

UK News

Right wing entryists in left wing party are furious at left wing ‘entryists’

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Right wing entryists in the Labour Party are furious that left leaning members of the public have attempted to join the party, it has emerged.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the right wing entryist Iain McNicol said: “When we realised Jeremy Corbyn might actually win the leadership contest, we knew our only hope would be to disenfranchise those new Labour members who we deemed most likely to vote for Jeremy.”

“Tom Watson very helpfully came up with his ‘Trotskyites’ conspiracy theory, which the media have helpfully regurgitated to give the impression that ordinary people who would like a fairer redistribution of wealth are in fact dangerous subversive communists.”

“He did initially propose issuing all Labour members with a tin foil hat to block Jeremy’s hard left mind control rays, but in the end we went with the Trots and commies line instead.”

“Unfortunately, despite the victory of our anti-democratic court case of disenfranchisement, it does look as though Jeremy may still win.”

“However, all is not lost. Thanks to several large donations from extremely rich spivs, our lawyers are currently preparing an even more expensive court case that would have Angela Eagle declared winner of the leadership contest if Owen Smith fails to win.”

UK News

NHS a risk to national security, says David Cameron

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Prime minister David Cameron today called on Labour’s ‘moderates’  to help the government combat terrorism by dismantling the national health service.

Citing concerns over reports that people who are out of work, disabled, or opposed to the UK’s intervention in Syria may be obtaining treatment on the NHS, the prime minister and Hilary Benn today gave impassioned speeches about Britishness and war.

A spokesman for the prime minister said: “The NHS is supported by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and as such endangers national security. In order to keep hard working  Britons safe from terrorism, the NHS urgently needs to be dismantled and sold off to David’s mates in the private health industry, who can then provide healthcare to those who are willing to work hard to pay into an exorbitant healthcare plan.”

Laura Kuenssberg, the Political Editor of Conservative News, tweeted: “Corbyn looking weak on security and out of touch on NHS dismantling.”