Tag Archives: damian green

Workplace masturbation is the key to job satisfaction, says Damian Green

Extended periods of masturbation in the workplace is the key to job satisfaction, according to top Conservative Minister Damian Green.

Mr Green said: “At the end of an ordinary working day, I come home to my wife fully refreshed after a day of hard work, punctuated by periods of extended masturbation at my desk.”

“Bosses looking to raise productivity and employee satisfaction levels should have a long, hard look at implementing this sort of masturbation policy in the workplace.”

“For workers who are not fortunate enough to have a pro-masturbation employer, I suggest becoming best friends with the Prime Minister, just like I am.”

“That way, even if you get caugh bashing one out to porn on your work computer, you can never be sacked. On the contrary, you may even rise to become deputy leader of the 6th richest country on the planet, as I have done.”

“A number of other senior Conservative ministers are also boosting their productivity and job satisfaction using sexually energising techniques. However, they are not yet ready to go public about it for fear of weakening the UK Government’s hand in the ongoing Brexit negotiations.”


Auschwitz documentary was ‘monstrously unfair’ on the camp guards, claims Damian Green

A critically acclaimed documentary about the horror and inhumanity of the Auschwitz concentration camp is monstrously unfair on the camp guards, Damian Green has announced.

Speaking to the BBC, the Work and Pensions Secretary said: “Not only is this documentary a work of fiction, it is also monstrously unfair on the soldiers who guarded the concentration camp, many of whom had to work in fucking difficult conditions and were merely following orders from their boss at the DWP.”

“I have identified a number of efficiency savings that I would have put in place at Auschwitz had I been Work and Pensions Secretary of Germany at that time.”

“For a start, I would have forced inmates to work for free in Poundland. In addition, I would have implemented a regime of sanctions that would see people have their money cut off and subsequently starve to death for frivolous reasons.”

“The Tory regime of which I am part have policies so cruel and ruthless they would make Adolf Hitler himself blush”, Green added.