Only the introduction of student loans can plug the deliberate shortfall in secondary school funding, Justine Greening has announced.

The Secretary of State for Education told reporters: “This is the first government in our island story to give education the level of funding it truly deserves.”

“But more money is needed, especially if Britain is to maintain its position as a world leader in innovative jams and biscuits.”

“To solve this problem we have also manufactured, we will introduce £10,000 a year student loans that will allow secondary school pupils to pay their way through the school system.”

“Our visionary reforms have allowed private organisations to take control of school budgets, giving them the freedom to make large budget cuts, with savings pocketed by the owners and the head teachers.”

“In some cases, the headteacher also owns the cleaning and catering companies that provide services for the school, resulting in enhanced efficiency gains.”

“It’s definitely not corrupt.”

“By introducing student loans to secondary schools, we will be able to increase the efficiency and profitability of the privatised academy school system, giving better value for money to rich shareholders who vote Conservative.”