Tag Archives: education

Only student loans can plug deliberate shortfall in secondary school funding, says Justine Greening

Only the introduction of student loans can plug the deliberate shortfall in secondary school funding, Justine Greening has announced.

The Secretary of State for Education told reporters: “This is the first government in our island story to give education the level of funding it truly deserves.”

“But more money is needed, especially if Britain is to maintain its position as a world leader in innovative jams and biscuits.”

“To solve this problem we have also manufactured, we will introduce £10,000 a year student loans that will allow secondary school pupils to pay their way through the school system.”

“Our visionary reforms have allowed private organisations to take control of school budgets, giving them the freedom to make large budget cuts, with savings pocketed by the owners and the head teachers.”

“In some cases, the headteacher also owns the cleaning and catering companies that provide services for the school, resulting in enhanced efficiency gains.”

“It’s definitely not corrupt.”

“By introducing student loans to secondary schools, we will be able to increase the efficiency and profitability of the privatised academy school system, giving better value for money to rich shareholders who vote Conservative.”

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School pupils must pay their way, says Nicky Morgan

The secretary of state for education, Nicky Morgan, has today unveiled plans for children to pay their way through school. Factories are to be built on school playing fields, in which pupils would work to pay for their tuition.

Mrs Morgan said: “Our radical proposals are based on what voters up and down the country told us they wanted at the recent general election, and we are proud to bring British state education into the twelfth century. Families will have more choice in the education system than ever, and pupils will now be able to obtain significant vocation training to boost their career opportunities.”

A spokesperson for Mrs Morgan added: “Children will be able to choose from a variety of exciting and rewarding roles, from iPad assembly line operatives, to factory canteen staff, to telephone sanitizers, setting them in good stead for a lifetime of indentured labour for their wealthy overlords.”

It is understood that families will have the option to pay a £10,000 annual tuition fee if they choose full time education for their child, with the option to undergo work experience as a member of the board of directors.

 

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