UKIP leader Nigel Farage has expressed his dismay at that Brexit deal does not mention putting foreigners in concentration camps.
Mr Farage told a radio interviewer: “I am deeply unhappy about the deal that Theresa May has struck with the EU, because it fails to achieve a number of key things we all secretly voted for, including rounding foreigners up and putting them in concentration camps while we ponder how best to dispose of them.”
“Numerous studies have shown that Leave voters tend to be racist and bigoted, and often just want foreigners, ethnic minorities, and LGBT people sent back to where they came from. This means any deal with the EUSSR must address the desire to get rid of foreigners and make Britain into a fully fledged fascist state.”
“Of course, when I say we need to get rid of foreigners, that obviously doesn’t apply to fruity European women I would like to have it off with behind my German wife’s back.”
Young people who oppose fascism are the real fascists, a fascist bastard has claimed.
Speaking during a televised speech, Nigel Farage said: “Educational establishments are teaching young people critical thinking skills that are highly dangerous to parties like UKIP, such as how to identify and reject the bullshit a professional liar like me.”
“What is now worryingly clear is that young people are becoming increasingly intolerant of racist and fascist political ideals like those I hold.”
“This needs to be challenged, and I call on the Secretary of State for Education to accelerate the degradation of the state education system to ensure school leavers are left powerless to see through my lies, as is much more commonly the case with the patriotic older generations.”
“If you think about it, the real fascists here are not people like me who have fascist ideals and who deliberately stoke hatred and division. The true fascists are actually those who oppose fascism.”
“Because wanting the people of Europe to come together in friendship, peace and prosperity is just about the most evil and oppressive thing anybody could do.”
Eggs up and down the country have been pleading with activists not to be thrown at members of the UK Independence Party.
The appeal comes in the wake of the Egging of Nigel Farage and Paul Nuttall, who were targeted by activists on the campaign trail in Stoke on Trent earlier today.
One egg who witnessed the attack spoke to reporters soon after: “It was horrifying! I was in the same carton as two of the eggs that made contact with Nigel Farage’s face.”
The startled egg continued: “Why is it always us eggs that get thrown at repulsive right-wing bigots? What’s wrong with rotten cabbages? Or tomatoes even?”
It seems that, while egg-throwing protestors don’t doubt the validity of the eggs’ complaint, there are no plans to change their missile of choice for the time being.
If convicted of electoral fraud, Paul Nuttall will serve the constituents of Stoke-on-Trent Central to the best of his abilities from prison, it has been announced.
The disgraced leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party said: “It has been alleged that I lied about my address when registering as a candidate in the Stoke by election, something which I practically admitted on national television a few days ago when a reporter came at me with difficult questions.”
“If true, what I have done would constitute electoral fraud, which is a criminal offence. The police are now investigating.”
“However, I maintain that I am innocent of any crime whatsoever, and if elected I will serve the constituents of whatever this godforsaken town is called, from Her Majesty’s prison if necessary.”
Speaking from the secret bachelor pad he shares with a female ‘friend’ 15 years his junior, former UKIP leader Nigel Farage endorsed Mr Nuttall: “I’ve known Paul for a number of weeks, and he is exactly the kind of right-wing thug the people of Stoke should be voting for if they hate foreigners and straight bananas.”
Nigel Farage has been shortlisted for the title of Time magazine’s twat of the year, along with pig’s head shagging former British prime minister David Cameron, and the backstabbing liar Boris Johnson.
The former UKIP leader is one of several contenders named by the American publication, which cites his role in the destruction of the British economy and the normalisation of fascism.
Unveiling the shortlist, which is chosen by editors of the magazine, a spokesperson said: “Here at Time we believe in honouring fascists, and as one of the most influential fascists of our time Nigel Farage is an obvious choice for this accolade.”
“His use of post-truth politics, otherwise known as the art of telling barefaced lies, has been an example to us all.”
“And by positioning the EU referendum as the start of a global wave of fascism, Farage has made an important contribution to the preservation of the right wing status quo by diverting anger away from the rich elite and onto foreigners and immigrants instead.”
A spokesman for Nigel Farage said: “The Fuhrer is pleased to have been recognised as one of the greatest twats in history.”
Far right politicians have canceled a march over fears that people from far right groups might attend, it has emerged.
Nigel Farage said: “It is with a heavy heart that we have been forced to cancel our far right march on Westminster, due to concerns that our expected army of 100,000 far right marchers might get infiltrated by people from far right groups like the EDL, Britain First or the Conservative Party.”
“Of course, when I say heart I mean the black piece of stone situated in my middle mediastinum, where a normal person’s heart would be.”
UKIP Fuhrer Paul Nuttall PhD added: “When we organised the march, we only thought a bunch of Mail and Express reading ignoramuses would turn up and express their fascist views about Europe and the independent judiciary.”
“However, it quickly became apparent that people from far right groups were also planning to attend, in order to express their fascist views about Europe and the independent judiciary.”
“In addition, we also realised that even with Britain First and the EDL in attendance, the total number of people at our march was going to be embarrassingly low, somewhere between 21 and 22.”
“But that’s not the real reason we canceled, honest.”
Nigel Farage genuinely loves his life as a dickhead, it has emerged.
Speaking to the BBC’s Andrew Marr, Mr Farage said: “I never thought I’d live to become such a dickhead, but I’ve surpassed all expectations and done it.”
“When I stood with President Elect Donald Trump in that gold plated lift, that’s when it hit me. That’s when I realised that I’m now the world’s second most famous fascist politician alive.”
“I really love my life as a dickhead. And all my friends are dickheads too. To all the patriotic viewers at home watching this I say, come with me, let’s all be dickheads together and wreck the country by implementing our childlike ideas.”
After Marr declared his heartfelt desire to see right wing evil triumph, Farage said: “Thank you for giving a platform to my sinister far right views, Andrew, while mercilessly attacking the left at every opportunity.”
“I fully support your crusade to smear all those traitors who have the audacity to want to improve the lives of ordinary citizens, even people who are poor or not of white British stock.”
* This post includes quotes from Reuben Dangoor’s hit song ‘Being a Dickhead’s Cool’.
Acting Fuhrer of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has threatened to march on Westminster at the head of a million-strong army of pensioners, unless all his demands are met.
Speaking to a thronging crowd of yobs and pensioners in Taunton town centre, Mr Farage said: “A minority of people voted to leave the evil empire of freedom and prosperity that is the EU, and now we must enforce our righteous fascist will on the majority of Britons who do not agree with our views.”
Waiting for the cheering and applause to subside, the fuhrer waved aloft a non-ISO sized sheet of paper and continued: “I have here a list of one hundred and forty-seven demands that the government must meet in order to make Britain great again, according to the mandate given to me personally on the twenty-third of June.”
“If my patriotic demands are not met in full, I will raise a million-strong army of yobs and racist pensioners, and we’ll march on the Palace of Westminster to enforce the transition from democracy to fascism, or national socialism as I prefer to call it.”
“We are good, peaceful people who do not hold a grudge, and that is why en route to London we will be sacking all towns and neighbourhoods which voted Remain.”
Acting leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has admitted that he is definitely a fascist twat on live television, but nobody is actually shocked.
The admission took place during his televised clash with Remain activist Gina Miller on the on the BBC’s Andrew Marr Show yesterday.
Mr Farage said: “Seventeen million patriotic British voters have spoken and they want to turn this country into the kind of fascist state that I have always campaigned for.”
“Rule of law and parliamentary sovereignty are old fashioned concepts which are not fit for purpose in twenty-first century Britain. They must both be abolished so our glorious Fuhrer Theresa May can use all the levers of power and the military to swiftly remove us from the EU, and establish fascist mob rule.”
When asked whether The Daily Mail was wrong to call the High Court judges ‘enemies of the people’, the UKIP leader said: “The Daily Mail and Express have provided visionary leadership for racist pensioners all across the country, and both papers were instrumental in our campaign to stoke hatred against foreigners and the EU in the lead up to the referendum.”
“Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that the editors of both papers should be awarded a knighthood for their part in liberating this country from the freedoms and prosperity with which the EU has long oppressed this country.”
“As the greatest war hero this country has ever known, I will also be putting my own name forward for a knighthood.”
“However, if my demand is not met, I will march on the Palace of Westminster at the head of an army of one hundred thousand racist pensioners.”
Leading Brexiters who have not yet fled the country have today demanded an end to ‘fact-mongering’ about the economic and social impact of leaving the EU.
Michael Gove, a man insane enough to believe the UK would be better off after shooting itself in the foot, told Newscrasher: “The vote to leave the European Union is a glorious victory for oddball, privately educated Conservative politicians who believe the UK would be better off as an isolated island trading only with itself.”
“But our joy soon turned to grief as unpatriotic media outlets began to ‘fact-monger’ about the immediate negative effects of leaving the EU. Their despicable fact-mongering activity includes reporting on the massive collapse in a variety of business sectors, a plunge in the value of the Pound, and a high likelihood of thousands of job-losses.”
“The continued presence of ‘Project Fact’ is completely unacceptable, and if elected Conservative leader I will immediately outlaw fact-based argumentation in political debates, and I will also make it a legal requirement for school children to be taught both sides of the Brexit controversy.”
Conservative leadership hopeful Andrea Leadsom, who is just as fucking awful, added: “Now that the referendum is over and the British economy is in free-fall, it is treasonous and irresponsible for politicians, experts, and sections of the media to report the facts of what is happening, especially without giving equal time to the ludicrous fantasy version that I and other pro-Brexit idiots would have people believe.”