Tag Archives: food banks

Food bank users could eat insects instead, claims Michael Gove

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Food bank users could eat insects instead, Michael Gove has claimed.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said:”With the cost of food rising in line with the will of people, more and more families are failing to manage their finances properly and are having to rely on food banks. Clearly, we need to rethink how ordinary families eat.”

“Eating insects is an environmentally friendly and financially responsible alternative to real food. If snails are good enough for the French, then why aren’t insects good enough for the feckless British?”

“Together with social injustice warrior Iain Duncan Smith, I have written to the Prime Minister today to call for the creation of a national network of insect banks, which will allow private investors to profit from the destitution of the poorest and most vulnerable in our brave new society.”

“Administration of the new insect banks will be outsourced to G4S, who will use benefit claimants to harvest and package the most nourishing insects, from post-Brexit fields of rotten, unpicked vegetables.”

Retired Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “As someone who is retired and financially comfortable, I welcome the idea of degrading and privatising public services that I no longer rely on myself.”

“I voted for Brexit, but only on the understanding that other people would pay for it with their money, tears and in some cases blood.”


Rise in food bank use proves austerity is working, claims Iain Duncan Smith

The rise in the use of food banks proves austerity is working, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Writing in the Sun, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions argues: “The poor have been living above their means for over a century now, and by pulling the plug on the welfare state my party has achieved a much needed redistribution of wealth, opportunities and health outcomes in favour of hard working rich people who don’t give a shit about those in need.”

“The fact that so many people now need to use food banks, despite being in full time employment, is a positive step towards a fairer Britain for hard working individuals who have inherited their wealth or who, like me, have married into a rich family.”

“Rising use of food banks is proof that our cruel austerity programme really is working as intended.”

“Some have suggested that some in the Conservative Party are racist bigots, but that is simply not true: We hate the poor of Britain just as much as the poor of Africa or anywhere else, and that proves we are not racist.”