Tag Archives: Gavin Barwell

Tories slam Corbyn for ‘politicising’ a disaster their policies created

Tories and their supporters on social media have criticised Jeremy Corbyn for ‘politicising’ the Grenfell Tower disaster that happened as a result of negligent Tory policies, it has emerged.

Former Housing Minister Gavin Barwell said: “I wish people, including Jeremy Corbyn, would stop pointing out that there is an obvious connection between Conservative policy and the disappointing incident that has occurred in Grenfell Tower.”

“People should be left in peace, without assistance from the government, and with their mourning carefully managed by the authorities to ensure nobody gets too angry at the Conservative politicians responsible.”

“What we now need is some time to establish the facts, whether there was indeed a fire as some have suggested in the media, and whether it affected any valuable Conservative voters in this marginal constituency.”

“Meanwhile, our friends at the Sun and the Daily Mail are busy figuring out whether there are any foreign or brown-skinned residents they can scapegoat. Once they’re ready and we have our cover up strategy in place, the risk to national security will be over and the Home Office will then be able to lift its D-Notice.”

The response from far-right extremist group Britain First has been predictable. Paul Golding, the group’s leader, attending the scene to harass Muslims, issued a public statement saying that “a bad thing has happened and I call on Theresa May to institute full Nazism right now, not the half-arsed crypto-fascism she currently favours.”

One Twitter user wrote: “Corbyn has no right to look prime-ministerial by meeting ordinary people from the area, offering his support as they come to terms with the tragedy that has taken place. Why can’t he behave in a more cowardly fashion and avoid any contact with local people, like brave Theresa May did last night.”



Why Croydon homeless should vote for me, by Gavin Barwell

Housing Minister Gavin Barwell, writing exclusively for satire website Newscrasher

I know some people find it ironic that at the 2015 election, my majority of 165 was smaller than the number of rough sleepers in Croydon.

But homelessness is no laughing matter. It is a moral stain, which I have helped to perpetuate thanks to my callous policies as Housing Minister.

The number of rough sleepers continues too rise year on year, in Croydon and nationally. This year, more than 10,000 children had to spend Christmas homeless or in temporary accommodation. It is a shame that Britain cannot do more to help, but due to our cruel and unnecessary policy of austerity there is simply no moneyto spend on things that do not demonstrably help the rich get richer.

And that is why as Housing Minister, I have tirelessly tinkered around the edges of the private rental sector, instead of doing things that would actually help people who are struggling to secure adequate housing for themselves and their family.

Labour claim that we need to build many more houses, including social housing, and to legislate to ensure that all housing is fit for habitation. But this would unfairly affect those Conservative voters who are landlords or who own their own home, and who fear a fall in rental income or a fall in the value of their property.

As the country’s top expert on right wing housing theory, I believe the best solution is to continue to restrict the housing supply, and to allow landlords to decide whether or not they want their properties to be fit for human habitation and free of damp and infestations.

In this way, we are providing more choice for tenants in terms of housing quality, making it easier than ever before for people who are currently poor or homeless to find an affordable housing solution.

Poor people in Croydon need to take much more responsibility for themselves, and try harder to take advantage of the opportunities associated with living in substandard accommodation.

An infestation of grotesquely large rats, for example, could be used to supplement a family’s consumption of fresh meat, or perhaps even provide an inexpensive family pet. A leaky roof could be used to fill a child’s bath without risking a large water bill at the end of the month. Mould growing in a damp corner could be used to cultivate penicillin to treat a family member’s chronic chest infection, without overburdening the soon to be privatised NHS.

Thanks to considerable pressure from me, these cost cutting measures were taken into account in the Chancellor’s last budget, when deciding how much to rob from the poor to give to the deserving rich.

To the poor or homeless people of Croydon Central, I say vote for me to stay stuck living in substandard but expensive housing, or on sleeping rough on the streets.