Another general election is to be held on 8 September so that Theresa May can secure a larger majority, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists, Mrs May said: “This general election has been a great success for the Conservatives and for me personally, but I still do not have a proper majority.”

“I demand that voters give me the majority I need to go into the Brexit negotiations and secure the wrong deal for Britain.”

“Therefore, the people will be asked to vote again on September the 8th and I hope that this time, voters will do their patriotic duty and return an all Conservative House of Commons.”

“That way, there will be no scrutiny of my policy decisions and I will be able to rule Britain as a dictator.”

“And in case some voters insist on defying my will by voting for one of the anti-British parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, I have a war chest full of donations from millionaires to pay for shit loads of fake news and misleading adverts on Facebook.”

Theresa May has scored a ‘titanic’ victory in the 2017 generation election with over 110 per cent of the vote, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said:”With my party securing an unprecedented 110 per cent of the national vote, the people have given me a clear mandate to rule the United Kingdom, in perpetuity.”

“There were times in this general election campaign when I feared that Labour might actually beat us with their credible and socially just policies. But in the end our tried and tested combination of smears, fake news, and targeted Facebook adverts won the day.”

“This is a victory of titanic proportions, but without the iceberg and all the chaos and death.”

“Okay, perhaps there will be just a few hundred thousand deaths going forward, but largely only disabled, homeless, or poor people whose benefits we’ve needed to cut to fund a huge tax cut for the rich.”

“One more thing. Because I said it a couple of days before the election, my plan for state control of all social media and the abolish human rights is now legally binding and can be forced through as a statutory instrument without parliamentary scrutiny.”

“It is the will of the people as defined by me and Rupert Murdoch.”