Tag Archives: general election

Theresa May announces September general election to secure larger majority ahead of Brexit negotiations

Another general election is to be held on 8 September so that Theresa May can secure a larger majority, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists, Mrs May said: “This general election has been a great success for the Conservatives and for me personally, but I still do not have a proper majority.”

“I demand that voters give me the majority I need to go into the Brexit negotiations and secure the wrong deal for Britain.”

“Therefore, the people will be asked to vote again on September the 8th and I hope that this time, voters will do their patriotic duty and return an all Conservative House of Commons.”

“That way, there will be no scrutiny of my policy decisions and I will be able to rule Britain as a dictator.”

“And in case some voters insist on defying my will by voting for one of the anti-British parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, I have a war chest full of donations from millionaires to pay for shit loads of fake news and misleading adverts on Facebook.”

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Theresa May claims election victory with over 110 per cent of the vote

Theresa May has scored a ‘titanic’ victory in the 2017 generation election with over 110 per cent of the vote, it has been announced.

Speaking to journalists outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said:”With my party securing an unprecedented 110 per cent of the national vote, the people have given me a clear mandate to rule the United Kingdom, in perpetuity.”

“There were times in this general election campaign when I feared that Labour might actually beat us with their credible and socially just policies. But in the end our tried and tested combination of smears, fake news, and targeted Facebook adverts won the day.”

“This is a victory of titanic proportions, but without the iceberg and all the chaos and death.”

“Okay, perhaps there will be just a few hundred thousand deaths going forward, but largely only disabled, homeless, or poor people whose benefits we’ve needed to cut to fund a huge tax cut for the rich.”

“One more thing. Because I said it a couple of days before the election, my plan for state control of all social media and the abolish human rights is now legally binding and can be forced through as a statutory instrument without parliamentary scrutiny.”

“It is the will of the people as defined by me and Rupert Murdoch.”

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Britain to discard compassion and rational thought and vote Tories in again

The British public plan to discard compassion and rational thought and vote for continued rule by the Conservative Party, it has been decided.

Undecided voter Chris Bumfield said: “Over the course of the next few weeks, I plan to carefully consider the positions of the different parties and their candidates, before taking the decision to vote Tory.”

“Although I do like Jeremy Corbyn’s policies because I feel public services like the NHS and also the welfare state need to be well funded, I feel Theresa May is simply a better leader and Prime Minister because of some reasons I read in the right wing media.”

“I’m so glad papers like the Sun, the Daily Mail, and the Telegraph have taken the time and effort to analyse the policies of the different parties and explain everything objectively and without any bias whatsoever.”

“Without that help, Britain would almost certainly fall into recession and chaos under vampire antichrists like Jeremy Corbyn or Tim Farron.”

“The real shame is that I’d probably vote for Corbyn’s policies if he wasn’t so unelectable – whatever that actually means.”

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Tories to fight election on platform of killing the disabled

The Conservative Party plans to fight the general election on a platform of killing the disabled, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC’s Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “We’ve been hounding disabled people to death for several years now with huge public support.”

“And because we’ve now got a costly Red, White and Blue Brexit to pay for, we’re going to need to get even more brutal to the disabled, the poor, and children.”

“If my party secures a majority in Parliament, we will bring forward legislation that will create a Ministry for the Persecution of the Vulnerable, to be headed by former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith.”

“Iain is a veteran campaigner for the right of the poor and disabled to be punished for their poor life style choices and inferior genetics, and I am sure any information gathered from his infamous fact-finding mission to Auschwitz will be most useful in his new role.”

Former Labour voter Chris Bumfield from Bolton said: “I voted Labour all my life, but quite recently I’ve started believing the lies and propaganda that the Tories and their mates in the media have been putting out, and I’m now considering voting Conservative as a result.”

“Theresa May and the Sun both want me to believe that it is the Conservative Party that has my interests at heart, not the terrorist supporting Jeremy Corbyn whose hard-left policies include unthinkable things like having an NHS and making sure children do not starve to death.”

“So I’ll be voting Conservative this time because they are intent on exacerbating virtually all of the issues currently facing ordinary people in Britain, and also because I have extreme poor critical thinking abilities.”

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