Tag Archives: gove

Workers will soon be free to work 168 hours a week, says Michael Gove

Workers will soon be free to work a 168 hour week, Michael Gove has announced.

Mr Gove, the Secretary of State for Lies and Child Neglect, said: “For too long British workers have been allowed to refuse to work longer than 48 hours a week, but thanks to my scheming the tyranny of the EU working time directive will soon end.”

“The Great British worker will soon be freed from EU bureaucracy and will be able to work up to 168 hours a week, if their boss orders them to do so.”

“This is the best kind of freedom because it enriches Conservative Party donors while destroying the lives of ordinary people who often vote Labour.”

“This is just another example of how devious shits like me manage to spin the removal of hard-won worker rights to sound like a good thing. Buzz-words like freedom, flexibility and choice may sound progressive and good, but what we really mean is insecurity, poverty and squalor for the common man.”

“By working Labour voters to death, we will preserve the large Conservative majority among pensioners which has been so crucial for Brexit and my party’s recent electoral victories.”



Michael Gove announces ‘passionate support’ for staying in EU after watching Dunkirk

Former Brexiter Michael Gove has become a ‘passionate Remainer’ after watching Dunkirk on IMAX cinema, he has announced.

Speaking at a press conference: “When I saw our brave lads standing together with fighting men of France, working towards a common goal for the greater good of all, I shed a tear because it was then that I realised how wrong I have been to advocate leaving the EU.”

“When we got to the bit when Farrier turned his Spitfire back to make one final attack on the nationalist bomber, despite being almost out of fuel, I turned to my wife and asked her why Brexit Britain cannot now turn back at this late stage, and do the right thing for its people and the people of Europe?”

“I thought of our child, sitting abandoned and alone in our hotel room late that night, and wondered what kind of dystopian future Brexit would bring his generation.”

“I understand now that nationalism has never brought peace or prosperity to Europe, only suffering and war. And even though my paymaster Rupert Murdoch stands to gain financially from Brexit, which will make Britain richer through the trickle down effect, the dangerous rise of nationalism in Britain is too high a price to pay.”


Increased industrial accidents would boost competitiveness after Brexit, claims Michael Gove

An increase in industrial accidents that kill or disable workers would allow British industry to compete with India and China, it has been announced.

Speaking to Newscrasher, former Minister Michael Gove said: “For too long have British workers suffered under draconian EU health and safety regulations that have cut so deep into the profits of their employers.”

“Now is the time to do away with red tape and boost our competitiveness by increasing the risk and frequency of serious accidents in British industry.”

“A few thousand additional  deaths in the workplace might seem bad, but those deaths pale into insignificance next to the millions in extra profits that industrialists and investors will be able to reap as a result.”

Mr Gove added: “Britain needs to have a bonfire of pointless regulations, such as the ban on smoking in petrol stations or the requirement for airline pilots to hold a valid pilot licence.”


Scientists and experts can f*** off, say Leave voters

Scientists and experts will not be welcome in post-Brexit Britain, Leave voters have decided.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield, who still believes Brexit will be a success, said: “When a minority of the electorate voted for Britain to leave the European Union, the nation stuck two fingers up at experts and people who know things.”

“This country squanders far too much money on vanity projects and pointless research. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believe this money could be better spent bombing other countries where brown people live, or researching how to keep the property market inflated to such an extent that the young will never be able to afford a house.”

“The sooner we can boot our lazy scientists off the EU gravy train the better. Let them get ordinary jobs, like a zero-hours contract at Sports Direct, where their education and training can go to waste.”

Leave campaigner and Michael Gove told the BBC: “The public have had enough of experts with their facts and rational thought.”

“What Britain wants is to be force-fed a seductive concoction of pure lies and hatred, and thereby be fooled into taking the monumentally stupid decision to leave the EU.”

“Now that we’ve cheated our way to victory in the referendum, the so-called ‘experts’ and ‘scientists’ just need to stop talking-down Britain with their cynical fact-mongering.”

“It doesn’t matter one iota that we’re wrecking the economy or destroying our capability to do world-leading scientific research.  Taking back control is simply worth so much more, and I am one hundred per cent sure that an independent UK will reap all kinds of intangible benefits that none of us are able to specify.”

However, scientists are fighting back against the anti-intellectualist dogma. Astrophysicist Prof. Stephen Hawking recently caused controversy when he called for the European Space Agency to launch Gove, Johnson and Farage into the Cygnus X-1 black hole, calling them ‘a non-virialised cluster of supermassive arseholes’.