By Dorothy Hotdog
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.
Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”
“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”
“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”
Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”
The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.
By Jeff Sanchez and Horace McSavage
Senior Tories have been left outraged after a Cambridge student burned a banknote of too low value in front of a homeless person, it has emerged.
The controversy arose after an undergraduate at the university was seen to burn a 20 pound note in front of a homeless person, as part of the initiation ceremony of a club for heartless Tory bastards.
The incident appears to have split the Conservative Party, with some believing the student in question should have used a single banknote of much higher value for greater effect, while other Conservatives have instead argued that burning a large bundle of 20 pound notes would have been more appropriate due to the additional upset it could potentially cause to the rough sleeper.
A spokesman for the Conservative Party said: “There may be disagreement about the technical details of how it was done, but the Conservative Party is in unanimous agreement that the homeless are workshy layabouts whose poor lifestyle choices need to be disincentivised by this kind of direct action.”
Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith added: “Based on his callous behaviour, this brave young man has all the makings of a first class Conservative politician. Now, if he can also bring himself to fuck the head of a dead pig, then he may even become Prime Minister one day.”
Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove has today launched a campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses.
Mr Gove told reporters: “My visionary Clean for the Queen scheme is a call to arms for the common man to solve two problems: the homelessness life style choice, and the lack of funding for street cleaners due to local government inefficiency. I believe inside every homeless person is an aspirational conservative voter trying to get out, and I believe powerful fire hoses will motivate them to get up, get off benefits and into a job.”
The fire hose solution was first mooted by the Justice Secretary’s political hero and then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who was eventually talked out of it by her then Home Secretary Douglas Hurd.
During the subsequent photo-call, Mr Gove mucked in with anti homeless conservative volunteers, where he hosed passerby Jeremy, aged 66, from Islington who had been mistaken for a tramp due to his lack of Savile Row tailoring.
Unfortunately, several members of the public mistook Gove for something else, and an attempt was made to deposit him in a nearby dog waste bin before he squirmed free shouting “it’s me Michael, I’m from the government.”
Today the Conservatives have announced plans that would see the homeless forced to pay council tax, echoing original plans for the Poll Tax.
To little fanfare, a tired and emotional David Cameron took time out from his largely hopeless renegotiation of the UK’s place in the European Union, to announce the new policy to reporters: “For too long, the government has been a soft touch on homelessness.”
“But homeless people use council services too. Local policing costs are expended in maintaining order on the streets, council legal campaigns against soup kitchens cost money, and the hogging of the pavements by the homeless presents huge costs to councils, which could otherwise generate revenue by renting that space. It is, therefore, only fair that the homeless should pay the costs of their homelessness.”
Homeless people will be required to register with their local police force, who will then issue an invoice for council tax, including a small surcharge to cover the additional costs to the police.
When asked how homeless people would be able to afford to pay the tax, a government spokesman said: “In the event that a homeless person’s begging income is insufficient to cover the council tax bill and police surcharge, the DWP will provide advice on how to beg more efficiently”
“In extreme cases, thanks to a landmark agreement between ATOS, Wonga and the DWP, a homeless person may obtain a loan secured against their soul, to be repaid by becoming a tenant in one of the new ATOS workhouses.”
Labour has vowed to vigorously oppose this new policy, a move which some senior cabinet ministers have branded “tantamount to supporting terrorism”.