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Theresa May awards herself Victoria Cross for heroism in ‘Battle for Britain’

Theresa May has been awarded the Victoria Cross for heroism in her ‘Battle for Britain’, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking outside Number 10, the Prime Minister declared: “I have for many years been at the forefront of the Battle for Brexit Britain, first sowing seeds of hatred and xenophobia as Home Secretary, and now waging war on immigrants from the EU and their loved ones.”

“This is a war that has been forced upon us by the fact that we Tories have plundered the country so gratuitously that a major distraction was required, but thankfully we are winning thanks to the brave actions I have taken against our carefully chosen scapegoats – the foreigners who had the audacity to come here to contribute to Britain and make a new life.”

“I am the greatest war leader this country has ever had, and in recognition of my heroism I am proud to announce that I am awarding myself the Victoria Cross, along with a cash prize of £350 million on top of the already substantial profits my husband made as a consequence of massive economic turbulence caused by my recklessness.”

“And if my reich lasts a thousand years, the tabloids will still say this was my finest hour.”