After much media speculation about her leather trousers which reportedly cost £995, the prime minister has confirmed that they are in fact made from the skin of job seekers who had died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.
Speaking to the BBC’s former Conservative journalist of the year Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “At a time when people are starting to realise I’m a really shit prime minister, we thought it would be helpful to divert attention my Brexit omnishambles by making a fashion statement that friendly journalists could then use to make me appear human and likeable.”
“We settled on these particular trousers in a bid to appeal to bigoted readers of the Daily Mail who like to read stories about vulnerable people getting forced into starvation or even dying as a result of our deliberately cruel benefit sanctions.”
“Although some people have speculated that my leather trousers were made by slave children in Indonesia before being sold in one of Phillip Green’s retail outlets, I can categorically state that is not true.”
“I can now reveal that the trousers cost £995 of taxpayer’s money and in fact were manufactured from the skins of vulnerable benefit claimants who died as a result of specially targeted benefit sanctions.”
“I actually got Iain Duncan Smith to personally select the victims using his own warped ideas about social justice. He simply loves doing that kind of thing. We both had a good laugh about it as we ate their livers with fava beans and a nice chianti.”
“Oh, and my plan for Brexit? Imagine a red, white and blue boot stamping on a human face, forever.”
Tory members of Parliament have demanded that social media users stop exposing them as heartless cunts, it has emerged.
Iain Duncan Smith said: “As Minister for Manslaughter, I voted to take money away from disabled people because it is in the national interest for the most vulnerable people to be demonised, hounded and starved to death.”
“I also tried to get as many children into poverty as possible, through a series of sadistic cuts to benefits, and an unfair regime of sanctions which punish benefit claimants for things like being ill or dead.”
“I am now quite shocked and saddened that social media users are exposing me as a heartless cunt by publicising my voting record and excessive expense claims on Facebook and Twitter.”
“This has to stop, and we will be consulting lawyers about what action we can take to shut down this unwelcome dissent.”
Mr Duncan Smith added: “Just because we’re enacting Nazi policies in modern Britain, that doesn’t give social media users the right to expose the truth about heroes like me.”
A member of the Conservative government who persistently hounded the disabled and sick over a period of years has today resigned because the Chancellor proposed hounding the sick and disabled in his new budget.
In his explosive resignation letter Mr Duncan Smith said: “I am unable to watch passively whilst certain policies are enacted in order to meet the fiscal self-imposed restraints that I believe are more and more perceived as distinctly political rather than in the national economic interest,”
“Too often my team and I have been pressured in the immediate run up to a budget or fiscal event to deliver yet more reductions to the working-age benefit bill.
“There has been too much emphasis on money-saving exercises and not enough awareness from the Treasury, in particular, that the government’s vision of a new welfare-to-work system could not be repeatedly salami-sliced.
“It is therefore with enormous regret that I have decided to resign.”
The pro-Conservative BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg said:”To be fair, George Osborne has an incredibly difficult job to do, and his redistribution of wealth from the poorest to the wealthiest is unquestionably the best course of action for the Chancellor to take.”
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has today claimed that 75% of people who’ve suffered benefit sanctions thanked him personally for “helping them focus and get on.”
Mr Duncan Smith said: “One man came up me who said he’d been in a wheelchair. He hadn’t had use of his legs since 1998, but when DWP staff tricked him into losing his benefits, this helped him focus and he told me how he’d subsequently adopted a Bruce Lee style training plan that enabled him to grow his legs back again.”
“Now he not only walks, but is a black belt at Karate.”
“Every day I am humbled,” added Duncan Smith, “at the love and affection given to me by the disabled. Some even ask me for their autograph and there’s nothing more moving than posing for a selfie with a formerly disabled person who grew their legs back and can now stand up. It’s all thanks to me!“
Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to continue his war on benefits despite stiff resistance from the Lords, likening it to the struggle against Adolf Hitler during the second world war.
Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Secretary of State said he wanted to “end the virtual slavery of benefit dependence and replace it with actual slavery.”
Continuing, former Conservative leader said: “I’m battling for Britain against the benefits culture that blights the lives of millions of hard working taxpayers, particularly those earning £100,000 or more, much like we battled for Britain against Hitler and his socialist regime during the second world war.”
When asked whether those on the left who oppose his policies are the devil incarnate, Mr Duncan Smith replied: “Yes, and their humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.”
Alluding to a recent News Crasher campaign to have Mr Duncan Smith prosecuted, he added: “As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice. I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”
The next installment of the Star Wars saga will include a villain based on British Politician Iain Duncan Smith, director of Episode VIII Rian Johnson has revealed.
Speaking to fans at an event in Florida, Johnson explained how he plans to continue in the footsteps of George Lucas by using real life as the inspiration for Star Wars characters and events.
He said: “Iain Duncan Sith is to be one of the most evil and sinister characters in the Star Wars universe. Thanks to the extraordinary CGI made possible by Industrial Light and Magic, Iain Duncan Sith will be composed entirely of semi-sentient faecal slime, the pungent smell of which be available in selected 4D cinemas across Europe and North America in December 2017.”
“Duncan Sith’s career in the Galactic Senate is built on making the poor poorer, pushing children into poverty, and starving the ill and disabled, all while claiming to be able to live on 53 Galactic Credits a week.”
Johnson added: “The turning point in the story arc of this movie is when Duncan Sith forces several million unemployed beings into unpaid labour as part of his Workfare programme, building a giant space-station capable of destroying an entire planet. When left wingers from the Jedi Council confront him about the harmful impact and injustice of his policies, Duncan Sith becomes violent and is fatally wounded in the ensuring light sabre battle.”
A talking Iain Duncan Sith toy is now available in shops, for a RRP of £19.99. When punched in the balls the toy will play one of several lines from the film, including “I don’t care who’s died”, “I am proud of my record”, and “work sets you free.”
Remaining within the EU will prevent the Conservative government from implementing Nazism, and will hinder the fight against Labour party terrorists, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed in an interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.
Euroskeptic Mr Duncan Smith is one of the several cabinet ministers to have declared support for the UK to leave the EU. Outlining his vision for a fully independent UK, he said: “Our continued membership of the European Union places unacceptable constraints on what the British government can do to its people, particularly in terms of human rights abuses.”
“As I battle for Britain against those who are on benefits, there are a number of measures that are urgently needed. Concentration work camps would, for example, reduce the overall benefits bill and would teach survival skills, self reliance, and a work ethic to the disabled and unemployed. Siting large scale crematoria close to these camps would make it possible to more efficiently dispose of the bodies of former claimants who die shortly after being declared fit for work and taken off benefits. These are just examples of some of the incredible efficiency savings that we would be able to implement for the benefit of taxpayers earning £100,000 or more. I know this kind of thing has been tried before, but you can trust this government to put in place the relevant safeguards to ensure Nazism works this time around.”
After a few moments punching the air and laughing raucously, the Work and Pensions Secretary added: “Leaving the EU will give us back the powers we need to crack down on terrorist elements in the unions and the Labour Party, and will also let us reform our democracy to make the Conservative Party the party of eternal government.”
Few would disagree that Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has introduced a number of policies that have been detrimental to those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.
Some have even gone as far as to argue that a number of his policies are an abuse of human rights, with new evidence suggesting tens of thousands of premature deaths have been the result of these policies.
Should Iain Duncan Smith face investigation and possibly even prosecution for what he’s doing? You decide.
Please feel free to leave a comment below after casting your vote.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith has today given an speech outlining his plans to become a role model for the disabled.
His proposal includes being subjected to a rigorous Fitness to Govern test each year, to set a positive example to those who are disabled and already undergo similar testing.
The test is to be drawn up by his wife Betsy, and will employ the rigour that the Secretary of State has become known for in his life. He said: “I particularly welcome the involvement of my wife in this political stunt, and I firmly believe she can give the same level of taxpayer value that was last seen in 2002 when she was my diary secretary.”
“In addition to having had an illustrious military career and fathering a substantial number of children with my millionaire wife, I also have a quite extraordinary academic prowess. I won a place to read management at Dunchurch, and also studied at the prestigious Italian University of Perugia; even though I was not awarded any qualification from either, the academic rigour involved makes me uniquely qualified to lead the DWP through these difficult times. I am also one of the few people who has ever been able to live on £53 a week.”
“The aim of this project is to be a role model for the disabled, giving them a role model that can truly inspire them to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get back into work.”
The exact details of the sanction regime have not yet been given.