Any criticism of my righteous Stalinist purge of the Labour Party is a thought-crime and is tantamount to terrorism, Iain McNicol has announced.
The Stalinist General Secretary of the Labour Party is currently running a campaign to oppress party members suspected of supporting Jeremy Corbyn, by removing their right to vote in the leadership election.
Speaking to Newscrasher, Mr McNicol said: “In the 80s and 90s the Labour Party put in a huge amount of work turning itself into a Thatcherite party, parachuting right-wingers into safe seats and maintaining the highly electable Neil Kinnock as leader.”
“And I’m not about to let our good work be overturned by somebody like Jeremy Corbyn who doesn’t even travel first class or claim the maximum allowed expenses.”
“Labour wasn’t founded as a democratic left wing party, but as a vehicle for careerists like me to get rich. I honestly have no idea what the left leaning new members of the party think they are doing here.”
“The Stalinist way we are purging the party of suspected Corbyn supporters of is entirely legal and cannot be criticised. Those who criticise our purge are thought criminals and must be brought to justice, because their criticism is tantamount to racist abuse and terrorism.”
“And to all the new members and supporters who’ve been blocked from voting, I say this: FUCK YOU, and thanks for all the money.”
The left-wing Labour group Momentum is a terrorist organisation and is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, Tony Blair has claimed.
The disgraced former prime minister made the claim after a press conference in which he and Labour General Secretary Iain McNicol released an official list of forbidden words, along with a list of officially sanctioned alternative words and phrases.
Using any of the proscribed words will disqualify Labour members from being able to vote in the leadership election.
Among the most important changes are:
‘Momentum’ must now only be referred to as ‘the entryist terror organisation Momentum’.
‘War criminal Tony Blair’ is to be replaced by ‘illustrious hero Tony Blair’.
‘Blairites’ can now only be called ‘Moderate left wing saviours of the middle classes and swing voters’.
Blairite Ben Bradshaw told Newscrasher:”As illustrious hero Tony Blair says, Momentum is a kind of terrorist organisation, possibly with WMDs ready to use in as little as 45 minutes, and should be banned immediately.”
“This would be a double-plus-good leap forward in our herculean quest to stop Labour from being in any way left-wing, or opposing the cruel austerity policies of the Tories with which I broadly agree.”
Image credit: K. Singh
Note added in proof (30 Aug 2016): When we wrote this satirical story (4 Aug 2016), little did we know that Iain McNicol would cynically and undemocratically set about blocking Labour Party members and supporters from voting in the leadership election, using a very similar kind of language policing to what we imagine herein. One has to wonder, are the coup plotters in the PLP getting their ideas from satire sites like ours?