Tag Archives: Jeremy Hunt

Jeremy Hunt blasts Labour for weaponising his deliberate mismanagement of NHS

Jeremy Hunt has blasted Labour for attempting to weaponise what he has called his “deliberate mismanagement” of the National Health Service, it has emerged.

Speaking to reporters, the Heath Secretary said: “On June 23rd last year Britain held a legally binding referendum on the European Union and whether to immediately defund and privatise the NHS. The people have spoken unanimously, and the will of the people is now settled for all time.”

“As Health Minister, it has fallen to me to carry out the will of the people by deliberately mismanaging the NHS, to set the stage for introduction of patient fees and the eventual privatisation of the profitable bits.”

“As a true hero of the Great British Reich I have spend recent months battling for Britain against antisemitic trotskyist doctors who are trying to overthrow the government, and also against marauding patients who earn less than £200,000 a year and do not have private health insurance.”

“A hero like me will definitely vanquish these foes, but in the meantime I call on Labour to stop weaponising my blatant mismanagement of the NHS, and to join me in my war on the socialised universal healthcare that is ruining this once great nation.”

Several Blairite Labour MPs have jumped to the defence of the embattled Health secretary, with one unnamed source telling Newscrasher: “The NHS crisis represents an excellent opportunity for Corbyn to strike at the government and improve the popularity of our party, and that is why we’d like to help the Tories to change the subject as quickly as possible.”

“The fact that several of us also have a vested interest in private healthcare companies has nothing to do with our stance, of course.”


Jeremy Hunt ‘living proof’ body can survive with no brain, doctors say

Jeremy Hunt is definitive ‘living proof’ that the body can survive without a brain, doctors have announced.

The discovery was made after an MRI scan, taken during a routine health check of Mr Hunt last December, showed his cranium to be completely empty.

Medical researchers from around the world have heralded the discovery as a major breakthrough in the area of neuro-political science.

Professor Chris Bumfield of the Brexit Science Institute told Newscrasher: “Researchers have long suspected that living among us are a small number of individuals who are able not only to survive, but to lead an ostensibly normal life and sometimes even enter politics despite having no brain whatsoever.”

“Previously written off as an urban legend, Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the so-called ‘brainless politician’ phenomenon is real.”

However, the Health Secretary has denied the claim: “I can assure you that I do in fact have a brain, and a very good one at that.”

“To the untrained eye I appear to be utterly incompetent, but in reality I am a scheming evil genius who is deliberately running the NHS into the ground, for personal political and financial gain.”

“Once I have brought the NHS to its knees, I will propose the introduction of patient fees and eventual privatisation as the only possible solution to the crisis I have manufactured.”

“It’s just too bad about all the people who will have died unnecessarily as a result of my actions, which some have alleged could see me prosecuted for the criminal offence of misconduct in public office.”

“Thankfully, with the might of the right wing media and the BBC on my side, I have no doubt that millions of gullible members of the public will fall hook, line and sinker for my dirty little scam.”


Striking doctors want to overthrow the government and are antisemitic, Jeremy Hunt Claims

Striking doctors are attempting to overthrow the government and are probably all antisemitic, Jeremy Hunt has claimed.

The Health Secretary made the explosive accusations in an interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg earlier today, in which he said: “Defunding and dismantling the National Health Service is one the central policies of this government, and any attempt to oppose our plans will be viewed as a potentially treasonous act of terror.”

“Unlike the high quality healthcare professionals who work for Virgin Care, NHS doctors are not fit for purpose and are probably all antisemitic.”

“Like many Conservatives and some Blairites, I personally stand to make a small fortune out of the privatisation of the NHS.  We’re essentially going to get billions of pounds of money from the taxes of hardworking people and pour it straight into our bank accounts, and just thinking about that gives me a raging hard-on.”

Mr Hunt’s comments echo those made by David Cameron during an earlier strike by doctors. Mr Cameron said: “When the Jeremy Corbyn and Labour’s London mayoral candidate are both so friendly with terrorists, is it any wonder that junior doctors feel it is acceptable to also associate with terrorists as they have done so cynically today.”

“I do not know how anybody could actually think decent healthcare provided by the state and free at the point of use is a good idea, so they clearly must be terrorist sympathisers.”

As tensions between junior doctors and the government escalate, the Prime Minister is also under pressure from Daily Mail readers to make a fascist show of strength.

It is understood Mrs May is considering using the newly established paramilitary wing of the Conservative Party, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of G4S, to crack down on the democratic rights of striking doctors and their supporters.


Jeremy Hunt to impose contract on nurses to make them wear skimpy Ultimo underwear

Fresh from his unilateral imposition of the new contract for doctors, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt tonight announced he is to impose a new contract on nurses, as part of his National Health Service reform program.

All nurses will be fired and rehired under the new contract, which will see nurses work a 80 hour week, and will require all female nurses under the age of 40 and below size 16 to wear nothing except skimpy underwear.

Mr Hunt explained: “Our national health service is no longer fit for purpose, due to a sustained campaign to degrade it in preparation for my planned privatization. Now the doctor problem has been dealt with, the time is right to overstretch and demoralize the nursing staff, leading to a significant degradation in the quality of care,  which our government may then use to justify privatization.”

His spokesman added: “Although we favour Ultimo, it’s vital the government encourages competition in the lingerie business, so needless to say nurses may wear other brands too subject to permission from Jeremy.”