Tag Archives: kuenssberg

British Medical Journal is only a credible source when it doesn’t mention Tory austerity, says BBC

The British Medical Journal is only a credible source when it doesn’t mention Tory austerity, the BBC has claimed.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “When the BMJ linked Tory austerity to 120,000 excess deaths, we decided to ignore it because the Conservative Government would prefer the public did not know how many people have died as a result of their cruel and unnecessary cuts to benefits and public services.”

“I’m tired of Marxist organisations like the BMJ trying to silence me.”

“Why can’t they just accept that the poor need to live within their means and forgo things like health care, food, and shelter if they are only on minimum wage?”

“The BMJ is only a credible source when it does not mention anything embarrassing for the Conservative Party.”

“And even if it was a credible source, there are far more important issues to be reported, such as why Jeremy Corbyn is a vampire antichrist, and why the disabled are to blame for rising inflation.”


BBC to go mad at minor Labour gaffes but will let cruel Tories off the hook

The BBC has decided to go mad at the slightest slip up by Labour, while letting the cruel Tories get away with murder, it has emerged.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “Cruel bullies from the general public are victimising our beloved leader Theresa May, sometimes trying to ask her things about food banks or Brexit, despite the fact that she doesn’t have any answers.”

“Therefore, to uphold the impartiality of the BBC, it has been decided that we must redressing the balance by adopting an even stronger pro-Tory, anti-Labour bias than we usually have.”

“Between now and June the 8th, the BBC will no longer report on anything that could possibly harm the prospect of the Conservative landslide.”

“Things like Tory MPs being prosecuted for electoral fraud, Theresa May being unable to answer questions about any subject without parroting one of three soundbites, or the social and economic disaster that the Brexiteers have brought on Britain. All out of the question now.”

“The BBC will also intensify the way it seizes upon even the smallest gaffe from Labour, attempting to magnify it into something the public can perceive as a huge scandal and a good reason to vote Conservative against their best interests.”

Mrs Kuenssberg added: “And if there are no actual gaffes to report, I’ll just make up some more fake news about Jeremy Corbyn again.”


BBC gets banned from Facebook minutes after launch of ‘fake news’ algorithm

The BBC has been banned from Facebook within minutes of the social media platform’s launch of a new algorithm that detects and blocks ‘fake news’, it has emerged.

Tory propagandist Laura Kuenssberg expressed concerns about the growing public awareness about ‘fake news’, saying: “As propagandist in chief of the Conservative Party, it is my legal and moral duty to hold the Labour opposition to account using lies and highly biased reporting.”

“When I first heard that ‘fake news’ was to be targeted on social media, I assumed Facebook were looking to crush the independent, left wing news websites that have filled the vacuum left by the predominantly hard-right mainstream media.”

“Sites like The Canary have already done far too much to expose the truth about me and my Conservative masters, and there are many people in parliament or in the mainstream media who would love to see independent, left wing media disappear.”

“However, I was deeply disappointed to learn that news stories put out by fake journalists like me are also going to be put under objective scrutiny.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to keep the working people of Britain ignorant and oppressed if I’m prevented from inserting my lies into the social media feed of unsuspecting voters?”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The PM is absolutely livid, because this raises the possibility that voters may discover the truth about how she’s trying to screw them in so many devious ways.”

A spokeswoman for Facebook has given assurances that users will still be able to opt-in to receive BBC ‘fake news’ in their feeds, but it will come tagged with the words ‘Biased Bullshit Corporation’.


Jeremy Corbyn biased against everyone, BBC claims

The BBC has defended its apparent bias against Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn by arguing that Corbyn is the one who is in fact biased.

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn and his communist nazi stormtrooper supporters often claim that the right wing media, including the pro-Tory BBC, are biased against him and the left. This could not be further from the truth.”

“In actual fact, it is Mr Corbyn and the left who are extremely biased, not only against the mainstream media, but also against the country in general, because Britain is a completely right wing country.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Ever since democracy was reestablished in 1979, Britain has always elected right wing governments. So when Jeremy Corbyn makes wild claims about media bias he is purposefully and malevolently offending every man, woman, child and cat in this amazing, God-fearing country.”

“And that is why I have been out to get him since day one of his tenure as leader. I loathe Jeremy Corbyn and everything he stands for, from his pathetic interest in lifting children out of poverty, to his squeamishness about dropping bombs on innocent children in Syria.”

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson, wearing a tin foil hat to ‘block Momentum mind control rays’, said: “Jeremy’s idea of actually helping ordinary people, instead of bowing down to corporations and media magnates is so last century.”

“He needs to step aside for somebody a bit more electable, and by that I mean more right wing, so that Labour can return to power and do basically the same shit as the Tories. Perhaps we can get Hilary Benn in the cabinet again and start a few more illegal wars.”