I wanted to launch a leadership challenge against Jeremy Corbyn but was afraid of looking like an arsehole, Owen Smith has announced.
The Labour MP for Pontypridd said: “Ever since I pulled the girl who became my wife, and without the use of Viagra I must add, I have coveted the leadership of the Labour Party. However, fear of looking like an arsehole kept me from making a challenge myself.”
“But thanks to Angela’s heroic and well timed leadership challenge in an empty room, I was able to run for the leadership without looking like a complete bastard of a backstabber.”
“Even though my allies on the Labour NEC are busy purging likely Corbyn voters for various spurious thought-crimes, it is possible that I still might not win.”
“Therefore, I echo Tom Watson’s call for the leadership vote to be considered advisory only, which would then allow Iain McNicol to take the final, legally binding decision.”
“I also fully agree with Tom’s visionary proposal to give each and every Blairite MP one hundred thousand votes each, as a counterbalance against the large number of left wing voters whose lives have been ruined by successive Tory and right wing Labour governments.”
“We really must prevent lifelong Labour members, some of whom have been in the party or voting labour for several decades, from seizing power away from right wing entryists like Tom Watson, Angela Eagle or me.”
The left-wing Labour group Momentum is a terrorist organisation and is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, Tony Blair has claimed.
The disgraced former prime minister made the claim after a press conference in which he and Labour General Secretary Iain McNicol released an official list of forbidden words, along with a list of officially sanctioned alternative words and phrases.
Using any of the proscribed words will disqualify Labour members from being able to vote in the leadership election.
Among the most important changes are:
‘Momentum’ must now only be referred to as ‘the entryist terror organisation Momentum’.
‘War criminal Tony Blair’ is to be replaced by ‘illustrious hero Tony Blair’.
‘Blairites’ can now only be called ‘Moderate left wing saviours of the middle classes and swing voters’.
Blairite Ben Bradshaw told Newscrasher:”As illustrious hero Tony Blair says, Momentum is a kind of terrorist organisation, possibly with WMDs ready to use in as little as 45 minutes, and should be banned immediately.”
“This would be a double-plus-good leap forward in our herculean quest to stop Labour from being in any way left-wing, or opposing the cruel austerity policies of the Tories with which I broadly agree.”
Image credit: K. Singh
Note added in proof (30 Aug 2016): When we wrote this satirical story (4 Aug 2016), little did we know that Iain McNicol would cynically and undemocratically set about blocking Labour Party members and supporters from voting in the leadership election, using a very similar kind of language policing to what we imagine herein. One has to wonder, are the coup plotters in the PLP getting their ideas from satire sites like ours?