Tag Archives: Labour

Jeremy Corbyn caused Second World War, claims Ben Bradshaw

Jeremy Corbyn caused the Second World War, right wing Labour MP Ben Bradshaw has claimed.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, Mr Bradshaw said: “Jeremy Corbyn didn’t just cause Labour’s defeats in the 2010 and 2015 general elections, he is also clearly responsible for our loss in Copeland and the outbreak of the Second World War.”

“However, Labour’s victory in the Stoke Central by election was thanks to the amazing legacy left by Tony Blair and the right wing faction of Labour, and was definitely nothing to do with Jeremy at all.”

“Many of us in the Parliamentary Labour Party also strongly believe that Corbyn is largely responsible for the Iraq war. Although Jeremy did try to stop the Iraq war, the fact of the matter is he just didn’t oppose it strongly enough, which places the blame for the war and all the death and destruction squarely with him and not with people like me who voted for it.”

Labour’s Jess Phillips has backed Mr Bradshaw’s comments, saying: “I never supported Jeremy Corbyn from day one, and have been waging war on him non stop. He’s to blame for everything, including the perpetual infighting that people like me have instigated.”

“Jeremy should resign right now because of the way he caused World War Two and the Iraq War. I think it is time he made way for someone like me.”

I would definitely like to be leader and I think I would be brilliant, not just because I would make loads of brilliant jokes about male suicide, but also because I am me and I am really amazing.”

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Only more Labour infighting can save NHS and defeat Tories, says Peter Mandelson

Only by increasing the level of infighting between factions of the Labour party will we be able to fight the Tories and save the NHS, Peter Mandelson has announced.

The disgraced former Labour minister said: “It’s disgusting the way Jeremy Corbyn has proper left wing ideals that could help ordinary people. Only by adopting Thatcherite ideals will hard working wealth creators like me or Rupert Murdoch allow Labour to get elected again.”

“Thanks in part to perpetual infighting in the Labour Party, the Tories are on track to completely abolish the NHS, human rights and maybe even democracy itself.”

“And this is why I will work every day to undermine any leader of the Labour Party who is actually left wing. Only by an increased level of infighting will we be able to save the NHS and restore prosperity to Britain.”

However, a Labour source said: “The idea of Jeremy Corbyn being prime minister and implementing policies that actually benefit the people terrifies the establishment, so it’s no surprise Peter Mandelson has found time in his busy schedule of spending time on oligarch’s yachts to attempt to undermine him.”

The source added: “Jeremy has every intention of remaining Leader of the Labour Party for the foreseeable future. Nothing will stop him from setting a new world record for the longest serving opposition leader.”

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Paul Nuttall vows to follow in Farage’s footsteps by repeatedly failing to get elected

Paul Nuttall PhD has big plans to follow in the footsteps of Nigel Farage by repeatedly failing to get elected to the UK parliament, it  has emerged.

Professor Nuttall, who replaced Nigel Farage as leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party in December, has made taking Labour seats in the north and midlands a top priority, and has pledged to make UKIP the “party of working class racists who agree with my secret plan to privatise the NHS”.

The academic turned politician also told Newscrasher: “If Labour’s Andy Burnham wins the Manchester mayoral election and steps down as an MP triggering a by-election, I would run there too.”

“Doing so would give an additional opportunity for the public to reject the my hateful politics and those of my sinister, quasi-fascist party.”

A spokesperson for the Stoke Central Constituency Labour Party said: “We welcome Paul Nuttall to stand against our candidate here in Stoke. Having a racist twat like Mr. Nuttall hanging around would only serve to make our candidate look even better.”

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BBC Question Time to be renamed ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’

The BBC’s news and current affairs discussion programme Question Time is to be renamed ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’, it has been announced today.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “For a long time the British public has been moving towards the right, thanks to visionary journalism from papers such as The Sun and the Daily Express, and patriotic campaigning by fascist groups like UKIP, Britain First and the EDL.”

“By changing the name of Question Time to ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’, we are merely catching-up with public opinion which is now firmly hard right and violently anti-Corbyn.”

However, an anonymous source from the BBC told Newscrasher: “Here at the BBC we are just following the orders that come down from the boss in Number 10.”

“With numerous major ongoing scandals and massive incompetence from the Government, we are under strict orders to normalise hard right and far right political ideals, and divert attention from all the bad shit the Tories are up to right now, such as privatising the NHS and massive electoral fraud.”

“A key component of our current plan is to keep hammering away at Jeremy Corbyn, to ensure his popularity remains artificially low, and to send a message that Labour members must only ever choose right wing leaders.”

Right wing Labour rebel Tristram Hunt said: “I welcome the BBC’s war on Jeremy Corbyn, who has no right to lead the party. This is a man who is pure evil, because he wants not only to get into government on a left wing ticket, but also because he is honest enough to deliver on his manifesto promises unlike feted war criminal Tony Blair.”

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Man holding a banana thinks he looks prime ministerial

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

A man holding a banana believes he looks prime ministerial, it has emerged. Former Foreign Secretary David Miliband, who decided to move to the USA and get rich working for a charity after his failed bid for the Labour leadership, said: “Even though I have no policies, no ideals, and no integrity, I think I could be prime minister.”

“I’m not my brother, and that’s why I can win”, the banana-wielding former politician added.

“I sulkily quit UK politics because I failed to get elected as leader of the Labour Party, a position that was mine by rights. I just do not understand why the party rejected me for Ed, who had actual ideas and shit.”

“My qualities are limitless, such as being tainted by the Blair years and the Iraq war, my implication in the ‘extraordinary rendition’ scandal, and my cynical briefing against my own brother when he proved more popular and became party leader.”

“What’s more, as a true Blairite I have no ideals except obtaining power and getting rich, and I have no ideas about how to address any of the major issues facing the British people. Issues like grinding poverty, the destruction of the NHS, or homelessness, none of which I give a shit about.”

“With the unfortunate death of Jo Cox, I thought I could easily get myself parachuted into her parliamentary seat, from where I would be able to launch a new coup against the wing of the party that wants to make people’s lives better, but once again I was cruelly denied my birthright of becoming leader and prime minister.”

“The people of Batley were betrayed when I was stopped from honouring the memory of Jo Cox by furthering my own personal ambition to get into power and to get as rich as Tony Blair.”

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Backstabbing careerists like Ben Bradshaw are the good guys, says Luke Akehurst

Backstabbing careerists who have been sabotaging Jeremy Corbyn from day one of his leadership are in fact the good guys, Luke Akehurst has claimed.

The former Labour NEC member said: “It is wrong to say that left wing humanists within the Labour Party are the good guys in the battle we on the right have forced them into.”

“I have secret evidence that they are evil satanic monsters, and that Blairite careerists like Ben Bradshaw are in fact the good guys here.”

“And that is why my Twitter feed is almost entirely devoted to abusing Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters, with precious little mention of the Conservative Government’s cruel policies, many of which I broadly agree with.”

“It is essential that the voting public are forced to choose between two right wing Thatcherite parties, and for this reason Labour absolutely must remain on the right at all costs.”

The Labour MP for Exeter, Ben Bradshaw, said: “I am honoured that a right winger like Mr Akehurst would hold me up as an example of an uncaring careerist who pretends to have Labour values to get elected, but who actually works against the interests of the poor and vulnerable.”

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Labour should consider expelling anyone who might not vote for me, says Owen Smith

Owen Smith has suggested that Labour’s National Executive Committee should consider expelling any party members who it is suspected might not vote for him.

The embattled leadership candidate said: “What troubles me is that Labour has a party within a party. And I don’t mean the Thatcherite entryist group called Progress, because right wing entryists are totally harmless, what with being relaxed about privatisation and the accumulation of extreme wealth.”

“The real problem is that there are all these long-term entryists who have Labour and left wing values and they might not vote for me. All of them are double plus bad and are basically the same as the Militant Tendency from the 1980s.”

When asked about the possibility of banning Momentum from Labour, Mr Smith said: “I think the NEC should look at banning them if it would give me a better chance of winning the leadership contest, because despite my excellent and sometimes sexist banter, I’m currently not on course to win.”

“It’s quite terrifying to think that many of the entryists have been members of Labour even longer than me, such as the 93 year old war veteran Harry Leslie Smith. In some cases, we also have teenagers who have joined a party for the first time, but who are evil little bastards because a few years ago they tweeted some kind of agreement with a tweet from the Green party.”

“Some of these lifelong infiltrators seem to be acting like terrorist sleeper cells, patiently paying their membership fees for decades, just so they can be ready to vote against me in the 2016 leadership race, as well as all nine of the leadership challenges we’ve got planned for 2017.”

But Smith was upbeat about the medicine that he believes the Party needs: “Like the NHS and the few remaining public services that the brave Tories have not yet got round to flogging to their friends, Momentum is a cancer that must be eliminated. And I am the cure that needs to be forced down the party’s throat while pinned down by a pair of hospital orderlies.”

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Hilary Benn: UK should be bombing Syrian children right now

The United Kingdom should be bombing children in Syria just like the Assad regime and Russia, Hilary Benn has maintained.

The MP for Leeds Central and former Shadow Foreign Secretary said: “When I saw the photo of that little wounded boy from Aleppo all covered in blood, my first thought was of the rousing nationalist speech I gave in Parliament in support of bombing Syria.”

“If the right wing dominance of the Labour Party lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, this was my finest hour.”

“I also feel deeply ashamed that British pilots are not taking part in the bombing of civilian areas, righteously wounding and killing defenceless people of all ages.”

SAS veteran Ross Kemp added: “I’m disgusted that Jeremy Corbyn opposed military action in Syria, denying  a hard-man like me the chance to front a reality TV show about the Syria war, on a TV channel owned by my good friend and Labour Tomorrow funder Rupert Murdoch.”

“I’m also deeply worried that Corbyn might victimise Rupert Murdoch by enacting policies that could violate his human right to accumulate extreme wealth without actually paying taxes.”

“And that is why I fully support the heroic campaign of backstabbing and protracted leadership challenges that Labour’s hard right moderates have been prosecuting against the elected unelectable leader of the Labour Party.”

 

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I can lead because I can lead, Angela Eagle insists

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Labour leadership candidate Angela Eagle has insisted that she can be leader of the party, despite being less popular than the current leader and apparently not standing for anything whatsoever.

In an interview with Channel 4’s Jon Snow, Ms. Eagle said: “Some people say they don’t know what I stand for, but I stand for decisive leadership. The sort of leadership that can lead.”

When asked how her policies would be different to Jeremy Corbyn, the right wing Labour MP for Wallasey repied: “What are my policies and ideals? Well, I can categorically state that I am not Jeremy, and Jeremy isn’t leading properly, and I haven’t got a beard like he has either.”

“My leadership will lead the Labour party in these difficult times in a way Jeremy cannot. My leading will show we can win. And only through the strong leadership of a leader who can lead can I lead you to victory thanks to my leadership.”

“Vote for me, I can lead.”

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Proposed reforms to English language will make criticism of Tories impossible, say Labour

Several high profile members of the Labour party have spoken out strongly against the reforms to the English language proposed by the Government.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the proposed reforms as “fundamentally undermining our right to freedom of expression” and “an attempt to implement the Orwellian nightmare of newspeak.”

The reforms include changes to grammar rules so that negative or insulting adjectives cannot be used when the Conservative Party or the name of any Conservative MP is the subject of the sentence. The Government has also published a list of recommended adjectives for use when Conservatives are the subject, ranging from ‘good’ to ‘double-plus good’.

Conversely, positive adjectives will no longer be permitted in sentences where Labour is the subject. To describe Jeremy Corbyn, the only permitted adjectives are to be ‘hard-left’ and ‘terrorist sympathiser’ — a rule that is already being strictly observed by the Daily Mail.

Speaking in Parliament about the proposed reforms, hard right prime minister David Cameron said: “What this country needs is a strong economy and an end to terrorism. By making efficiency savings to the vocabulary of the English language, our reforms will not only boost economic activity and create jobs, but will make it impossible for terrorist sympathisers like Jeremy Corbyn to threaten the security of hardworking families earning £100,000 or more a year.”

However, a number of Blatcherite Labour MPs have expressed incredulity that Jeremy Corbyn would oppose the bill. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a prominent Blatcherite MP said: “Jeremy needs to get real and recognise that the Tories won, and they won because Labour weren’t right wing enough. Honestly, we need to be more appealing to the right wing voters who would have voted for Tony Blair, and this means supporting the Tory crackdown on thought-crime.”

The mouthy MP added: “Once I’ve stabbed Jeremy in the front and back and assumed leadership of the party, I can guarantee you I’ll take Labour back to Tory-lite against the wishes of the party membership.”

A number of prominent Conservative MPs have voiced strong support for the bill. Speaking outside Parliament, Government minister Chris Grayling told reporters: “Long have satirical bullies conspired to disparage and humiliate the honest and caring Conservative members of Parliament, of which I am an exceptional example.”

“Words cannot express how pleased I am that soon it will be impossible for the Conservative Government to be the subject of mirth and ridicule, be this via the intelligent satire of broadcasters like Charlie Brooker, or crude internet memes alluding to the unproven but undenied allegation that David Cameron once fucked a dead pig in the head.”

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