Theresa May has big plans for 2017, including learning how to dress herself and how to stand properly, she has announced.
Speaking to a Daily Mail reporter during her latest fashion shoot, the Prime Minister said: “I’ve never needed the services of a style consultant, because being stylish just comes so naturally to me.”
“Today I’m wearing a pair of leather trousers with a retail price of £995. Ever conscious of how my actions impact on the environment, I selected these very eco-friendly trousers precisely because they were made from the skin of job seekers who died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.”
“Last week I left the house dressed as an Ikea cushion, for which the Mail gave me much praise for my elegance and fashion sense. People often stop me in the street and tell me I look great for somebody who is over 100 years old.”
“When I stood up on the stage at the Conservative Party conference, I decided to do George Osborne’s wide-legged power stance that his overpaid style adviser old him to do, but it just made me look even more of a twat than usual.”
“But that barely matters when you’re a style icon like I am.”
After much media speculation about her leather trousers which reportedly cost £995, the prime minister has confirmed that they are in fact made from the skin of job seekers who had died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.
Speaking to the BBC’s former Conservative journalist of the year Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “At a time when people are starting to realise I’m a really shit prime minister, we thought it would be helpful to divert attention my Brexit omnishambles by making a fashion statement that friendly journalists could then use to make me appear human and likeable.”
“We settled on these particular trousers in a bid to appeal to bigoted readers of the Daily Mail who like to read stories about vulnerable people getting forced into starvation or even dying as a result of our deliberately cruel benefit sanctions.”
“Although some people have speculated that my leather trousers were made by slave children in Indonesia before being sold in one of Phillip Green’s retail outlets, I can categorically state that is not true.”
“I can now reveal that the trousers cost £995 of taxpayer’s money and in fact were manufactured from the skins of vulnerable benefit claimants who died as a result of specially targeted benefit sanctions.”
“I actually got Iain Duncan Smith to personally select the victims using his own warped ideas about social justice. He simply loves doing that kind of thing. We both had a good laugh about it as we ate their livers with fava beans and a nice chianti.”
“Oh, and my plan for Brexit? Imagine a red, white and blue boot stamping on a human face, forever.”