The National Health Service does not have a humanitarian crisis because NHS users are not human, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “The Red Cross lied when they said our red, white and blue national health service is facing a humanitarian crisis. This is because NHS users are not actually human.”
“Most of these people fecklessly earn less than £100,000 a year, and in almost all cases have shirked their responsibility to take out private medical insurance policies. If they happen to find themselves dying in an overcrowded hospital corridor, they only have themselves to blame.”
Mrs May added: “The cause of the NHS crisis is a complete mystery to us here in the Conservative Party.”
“We pretend to do our best, but in actual fact we are defunding and dismantling the NHS to set the stage for full privatisation, and we would like the public to believe that due to forces beyond our understanding the NHS just doesn’t have the money to provide healthcare any better than that found in a typical third-world country like Zimbabwe, Sierra Leone or Wales.”
“Even the finest journalistic minds at the BBC or the Daily Mail have been unable to determine whether there is any connection between my government’s deliberate defunding and the shockingly poor quality of healthcare being provided by the NHS at the moment.”
“In the meantime, I suggest we all simply blame foreigners and human rights, because they are the cause of every problem ever.”
Jeremy Hunt has blasted Labour for attempting to weaponise what he has called his “deliberate mismanagement” of the National Health Service, it has emerged.
Speaking to reporters, the Heath Secretary said: “On June 23rd last year Britain held a legally binding referendum on the European Union and whether to immediately defund and privatise the NHS. The people have spoken unanimously, and the will of the people is now settled for all time.”
“As Health Minister, it has fallen to me to carry out the will of the people by deliberately mismanaging the NHS, to set the stage for introduction of patient fees and the eventual privatisation of the profitable bits.”
“As a true hero of the Great British Reich I have spend recent months battling for Britain against antisemitic trotskyist doctors who are trying to overthrow the government, and also against marauding patients who earn less than £200,000 a year and do not have private health insurance.”
“A hero like me will definitely vanquish these foes, but in the meantime I call on Labour to stop weaponising my blatant mismanagement of the NHS, and to join me in my war on the socialised universal healthcare that is ruining this once great nation.”
Several Blairite Labour MPs have jumped to the defence of the embattled Health secretary, with one unnamed source telling Newscrasher: “The NHS crisis represents an excellent opportunity for Corbyn to strike at the government and improve the popularity of our party, and that is why we’d like to help the Tories to change the subject as quickly as possible.”
“The fact that several of us also have a vested interest in private healthcare companies has nothing to do with our stance, of course.”