Tag Archives: NHS

Jeremy Corbyn can’t be trusted to privatise NHS properly, warns Branson

Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn cannot be trusted to privatise the National Health Service, entrepreneur Richard Branson has warned.

The millionaire and tax exile told the Daily Mail: “Jeremy Corbyn can’t be trusted to hand over large chunks of the NHS to the private sector in a way that is maximally profitable to investors. Entrepreneurs face going out of business if we are prevented from devouring the NHS.”

“Take Virgin Health, for example. Despite paying no tax on our massive profits because we’re based in a tax haven, Virgin Health could see a significant reduction in the taxpayer funded profits that are needed to maintain my extravagant lifestyle, unless Britain continues to elect hard right prime ministers.”

“How I long for the days when Labour had a Thatcherite warmonger for a leader, who was happy to sell the family silver to spivs like me.”


Stop pestering me about the fucking NHS, says Theresa May

By Horace McSavage

Theresa May has sensationally lost her temper at the repeated questions from journalists about the perilous state of the National Health Service, it has emerged.

The PM, during an appearance on breakfast TV, denied that the NHS was her responsibility and blamed just about everybody for the perilous state of the NHS, except her government: “It’s the fault of all the foreigners that the previous Labour governments let into the country, it’s the fault of doctors, it’s the fault of nurses, it’s the fault of patients, and it’s the fault of the EU that we are still a member of.”

And in an unprecedented rant she suggested that the Tory party had more important things to worry about than poor people’s health: “Oh will you just shut up about the bloody NHS for two minutes.”

“If you’re that bothered about being cured, then you should bloody well pay for treatment like any self-respecting Tory. We’ve got Brexit to worry about, and I need to focus on getting the best deal for Tory party donors, not curing cancer in people who earn under £200,000 a year.”

The PM then went on to blame the crisis on doctors not working enough hours, stating: “Why are you pestering me about it anyway? I’m not a doctor. Go and pester those overpaid, under-worked do-gooders.”

“Now if you will excuse me, I have a photoshoot with Vogue Magazine to go to, because I’m such a fashion icon.”


Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable  smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”


Gas chambers in hospitals would make NHS fairer and more efficient, suggests Iain Duncan Smith

The construction of gas chambers in hospitals would make the National Health Service fairer and more efficient, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking to the BBC’s pro-government presenter Andrew Marr, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “The so-called humanitarian crisis facing the NHS is definitely not a result of deliberate funding cuts that Jeremy Hunt has imposed.”

“According to my own personal research, the NHS crisis is in fact due to a worrying lack of social justice and efficiency in our hospitals.”

“And that is why I have asked Jeremy Hunt to consider introducing ATOS gas chambers into hospitals, to streamline the manslaughter of the poor and vulnerable.”

“I have also asked him to consider bringing in staff from G4S to act as hospital porters of death, who would be tasked with finding and incinerating patients who had missed a Job Centre appointment due to having been in hospital.”

“As always, the strongest safeguards will be put in place. Only after a subjective tick-box test that ignores medical evidence would a patient be wheeled into one of the hospital’s newly installed ATOS Social Justice Ovens.”

“The emergency measures that I am proposing could save the NHS and would allow Britain to accelerate the patriotic social justice revolution that I initiated during my tenure at the Department of Work and Pensions.”

To which Andrew Marr replied: “I do not have any difficult questions for you, nor will I give our viewers any hint about the sinister motives behind the policies of you and many other Tory politicians.”

“I am sure our glorious Fuhrer Mrs May, whom I adore profoundly, will seriously consider your groundbreaking proposal to establish a fairer and more efficient NHS fit for 21st century Britain, or 1930s Germany.”

“My knighthood’s in the post, right?”


Jeremy Hunt ‘living proof’ body can survive with no brain, doctors say

Jeremy Hunt is definitive ‘living proof’ that the body can survive without a brain, doctors have announced.

The discovery was made after an MRI scan, taken during a routine health check of Mr Hunt last December, showed his cranium to be completely empty.

Medical researchers from around the world have heralded the discovery as a major breakthrough in the area of neuro-political science.

Professor Chris Bumfield of the Brexit Science Institute told Newscrasher: “Researchers have long suspected that living among us are a small number of individuals who are able not only to survive, but to lead an ostensibly normal life and sometimes even enter politics despite having no brain whatsoever.”

“Previously written off as an urban legend, Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the so-called ‘brainless politician’ phenomenon is real.”

However, the Health Secretary has denied the claim: “I can assure you that I do in fact have a brain, and a very good one at that.”

“To the untrained eye I appear to be utterly incompetent, but in reality I am a scheming evil genius who is deliberately running the NHS into the ground, for personal political and financial gain.”

“Once I have brought the NHS to its knees, I will propose the introduction of patient fees and eventual privatisation as the only possible solution to the crisis I have manufactured.”

“It’s just too bad about all the people who will have died unnecessarily as a result of my actions, which some have alleged could see me prosecuted for the criminal offence of misconduct in public office.”

“Thankfully, with the might of the right wing media and the BBC on my side, I have no doubt that millions of gullible members of the public will fall hook, line and sinker for my dirty little scam.”


NHS needs to be much more racist, government officials confirm

The National Health Service needs to become a lot more racist in the way it deals with its patients, government officials have announced.

It is understood that hospital staff will be required by law to demand proof of Britishness before treatment is given, with evaluations being conducted at huge expense by mercenary nurses supplied by Atos or G4S. If a valid British passport with at least 6 months before expiry cannot be provided, the patient will be asked to fill a 12 page questionnaire about the benefits of Brexit.

A senior figure from the Department of Health said: “Health tourism is an insignificant problem that has been blown out of proportion by the press, but it does offers an excellent excuse to introduce systems for identity checks and patient charging into our hospitals.”

“To avoid alerting the general populace to our intentions, initially only ‘bad’ foreigners will face a charges NHS treatment. However, once Jeremy Hunt’s dastardly plan to defund the NHS has taken its toll, we think the public will accept the introduction of a ‘sickness penalty tax’, to be levied on everyone who needs NHS treatment and whose earnings are below the widely accepted scrounger/striver threshold of £100,000 a year.”

“Our objective is to make the NHS a lot fairer to rich people who resent that a small fraction of the tax they pay goes to fund socialised healthcare provision for people who are less wealthy than they are.”

Medical professionals are not impressed, however. One NHS doctor told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the human body can survive for extended periods without a brain. I’m actually preparing an article for publication in The Lancet about this.”


Striking doctors want to overthrow the government and are antisemitic, Jeremy Hunt Claims

Striking doctors are attempting to overthrow the government and are probably all antisemitic, Jeremy Hunt has claimed.

The Health Secretary made the explosive accusations in an interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg earlier today, in which he said: “Defunding and dismantling the National Health Service is one the central policies of this government, and any attempt to oppose our plans will be viewed as a potentially treasonous act of terror.”

“Unlike the high quality healthcare professionals who work for Virgin Care, NHS doctors are not fit for purpose and are probably all antisemitic.”

“Like many Conservatives and some Blairites, I personally stand to make a small fortune out of the privatisation of the NHS.  We’re essentially going to get billions of pounds of money from the taxes of hardworking people and pour it straight into our bank accounts, and just thinking about that gives me a raging hard-on.”

Mr Hunt’s comments echo those made by David Cameron during an earlier strike by doctors. Mr Cameron said: “When the Jeremy Corbyn and Labour’s London mayoral candidate are both so friendly with terrorists, is it any wonder that junior doctors feel it is acceptable to also associate with terrorists as they have done so cynically today.”

“I do not know how anybody could actually think decent healthcare provided by the state and free at the point of use is a good idea, so they clearly must be terrorist sympathisers.”

As tensions between junior doctors and the government escalate, the Prime Minister is also under pressure from Daily Mail readers to make a fascist show of strength.

It is understood Mrs May is considering using the newly established paramilitary wing of the Conservative Party, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of G4S, to crack down on the democratic rights of striking doctors and their supporters.


Jeremy Hunt to impose contract on nurses to make them wear skimpy Ultimo underwear

Fresh from his unilateral imposition of the new contract for doctors, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt tonight announced he is to impose a new contract on nurses, as part of his National Health Service reform program.

All nurses will be fired and rehired under the new contract, which will see nurses work a 80 hour week, and will require all female nurses under the age of 40 and below size 16 to wear nothing except skimpy underwear.

Mr Hunt explained: “Our national health service is no longer fit for purpose, due to a sustained campaign to degrade it in preparation for my planned privatization. Now the doctor problem has been dealt with, the time is right to overstretch and demoralize the nursing staff, leading to a significant degradation in the quality of care,  which our government may then use to justify privatization.”

His spokesman added: “Although we favour Ultimo, it’s vital the government encourages competition in the lingerie business, so needless to say nurses may wear other brands too subject to permission from Jeremy.”


NHS a risk to national security, says David Cameron

Prime minister David Cameron today called on Labour’s ‘moderates’  to help the government combat terrorism by dismantling the national health service.

Citing concerns over reports that people who are out of work, disabled, or opposed to the UK’s intervention in Syria may be obtaining treatment on the NHS, the prime minister and Hilary Benn today gave impassioned speeches about Britishness and war.

A spokesman for the prime minister said: “The NHS is supported by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and as such endangers national security. In order to keep hard working  Britons safe from terrorism, the NHS urgently needs to be dismantled and sold off to David’s mates in the private health industry, who can then provide healthcare to those who are willing to work hard to pay into an exorbitant healthcare plan.”

Laura Kuenssberg, the Political Editor of Conservative News, tweeted: “Corbyn looking weak on security and out of touch on NHS dismantling.”