An openly fascist millionaire who played a leading role in wrecking Britain now feels he deserves your sympathy, it has been reported.
Speaking to a right-wing fake-news paper, a tearful Nigel Farage said: “I’m a victim of bullying by a large section of the British public who disagree with my odious political views.”
“I am being hounded by humanist thugs who’ve rejected national socialism out of hand. Amazingly, these people want close and peaceful cooperation with mainland Europe, instead of nationalism and war.”
“Things are really bad for me now. I am now 53 years old, separated and skint. Not only am I down to my last ten million, I am also shagging a younger woman who also happens to be a French politician.”
“The money I was getting from Russia has all but dried up now that Putin has moved on to destabilising other European countries, even Arron Banks is having to shop at Lidl these days.”
“I can walk down the street on my own without being attacked or abused, and I do it every day. However, in an attempt to gain sympathy, I will pretend I live in fear of ‘Momentum Remoaner Thugs’, or whatever it was Angela Eagle called people who think the country should be run for the benefit of the many, not the few.”
Nigel Farage has launched a tirade against Remainers for not being stupid enough to understand the case for Brexit, it has been reported.
Speaking on LBC Radio, the firebrand hate preacher said: “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of having to keep re-stating the case for Brexit, only to find that Remoaners are simply not stupid enough to understand any of it.”
“Not only will we make ourselves richer by becoming a lot poorer, we will also finally become a fascist state, free from the evil centrism and human rights imposed by the EUSSR.”
“To paraphrase George Orwell: Hate is love, poverty is wealth, Brexit is Brexit.”
“One Remoaniac who phoned in for an argument insisted incessantly that 2+2=4, when my calculations made on the back of a cigarette packet have already established, with the help of the right wing press, that 2+2 definitely equals 5.”
“I guess he didn’t get the memo announcing that Britain doesn’t need experts any more. The country is doing just fine with outrageously anti-intellectual liars like Michael Gove, Boris Johnson and Theresa May in charge.”
A lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy has demanded that people stop criticising his mate who is also a lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy, it has emerged.
Speaking on the BBC, Michael Gove said: “Nigel Farage was instrumental in spreading the lies and hatred of foreigners that fooled 17 million British voters into voting for the destruction of Britain by Brexit.”
“All Brexit supporting politicians, however evil, corrupt or dishonest should be respected, not questioned or criticised. If anything, we should be rewarded with an immediate knighthood and a place in the House of Lords.”
“I know he won’t mind me telling you, but Nigel cries himself to sleep at night because of all the bullying he has been getting lately.”
“Among the most upsetting incidents happened when Twitter users asked why Nigel had decided to fuck off to the USA instead of staying in Britain to clean up the huge mess he’d helped make.”
“I know Nigel was also deeply hurt by suggestions that, as a millionaire former stockbroker who was photographed in a lift made out of gold, he is clearly not the beer swilling down to earth man of the people he often pretends to be.”
“I just think it is really unfair that Nigel Farage has had to suffer this kind of criticism, simply for being true to himself and acting like a xenophobic cunt.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
A Twat who urged British voters to ‘take back control’ from foreign politicians is now perfectly OK with a foreign leader choosing our ambassadors, it has emerged.
Ranting on Twitter, Nigel Farage said: “In voting to leave the EU the British people decided to take back control from foreign governments. I now call on the British government to listen to the president elect of America and immediately appoint me ambassador.”
“I believe that my stunning hypocrisy is justified by the fact that I would definitely be the greatest fascist ambassador in the history of this country.”
“Failing that, I think I should be made prime minister, again by presidential decree.”
“I am definitely not in the pay of foreign power, especially not Russia. Definitely not. There is absolutely no evidence to back that up. And those EU expenses were merely resting in our account.”
Acting fuhrer of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has reacted angrily after the British government refused his ‘entirely reasonable’ demand to be appointed British ambassador to the USA, it has emerged.
Tweeting on Twitter, Mr Farage said: “This is an outrage which would never have been allowed to happen under the Nazis.”
Writing on a far-right website, the alleged fraudster went into more detail: “I’ve spent most of my political career stoking hatred and resentment against foreigners and the EU, and all I ask in return is to be given a position that will allow me to spread my bigoted views even more widely. Is that too much to ask?”
“As ambassador, I could work wonders for the people of Britain by advancing the cause of fascism at home, and also in our close ally the United States.”
“Now that the survivors of the world’s last big experiment with fascism are almost gone, and their ungrateful kid are now calling the shots, I think this is probably a good time to give Nazism, death camps and total war another shot.”
UKIP will select its new leader using ‘trial by combat’, the party has announced.
A spokesperson for the party said: “Because we are a bunch of knuckle-dragging thugs, our internal discussions sometimes turn violent.”
“Clearly, we need a leader who is not only strong, but who also is able to beat his political opponents to a pulp with his or her bare hands.”
He added: “For this reason, our next leader will be selected using ‘trial by combat’, as seen on TV’s Game of Thrones, because barbaric fantasy violence like this is the perfect way to settle political disputes among hard-right nationalists.”
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “During the EU referendum campaign I suggested that political violence is acceptable, so I now welcome the introduction of trial by combat to the UKIP leadership contest.”
The millionaire former stockbroker who claims to speak for the man in the street added: “I came here to swill beer and beat up my opponents, and now I’m all out of beer.”