Tag Archives: paul nuttall

Paul Nuttall building time machine to go back and turn his lies into truth

Paul Nuttall is currently building a time machine that he claims will allow him to travel back through time and do things all the things he has lied about doing, it has emerged.

Speaking to BBC, which has been giving inexplicably undue airtime to his party of fringe lunatics, Dr. Nuttall said: “Although people have doubted for years that time travel is possible, can I just remind the voters of stoke I have a PhD. And even if I don’t I will soon go back in time and make it so.”

Nuttall also plans to leave himself a copy of the 1957 sports almanac, and to place a bet on 96 people dying at Hillsborough in 1989: “If it worked for Donald Trump and Biff Tannen it can work for me.”

Among the historical events that Nuttall plans to attend are the invasion of Poland by Germany that triggered World War 2, and the assassination of Clement Attlee in 1946 which prevented the NHS being established in an alternative reality.

Nuttall also spoke of looking forward to torchlit rallies with kindred spirits at Nuremberg, and meeting General Pinochet in 1973.

“My favourite event however will be to go for a drink with Vladimir Putin in East Germany. There’s so much I can teach him, and learn from him.”

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UKIP’s Paul Nuttall pledges to represent Stoke-on-Trent Central from prison

If convicted of electoral fraud, Paul Nuttall will serve the constituents of Stoke-on-Trent Central to the best of his abilities from prison, it has been announced.

The disgraced leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party said: “It has been alleged that I lied about my address when registering as a candidate in the Stoke by election, something which I practically admitted on national television a few days ago when a reporter came at me with difficult questions.”

“If true, what I have done would constitute electoral fraud, which is a criminal offence. The police are now investigating.”

“However, I maintain that I am innocent of any crime whatsoever, and if elected I will serve the constituents of whatever this godforsaken town is called, from Her Majesty’s prison if necessary.”

Speaking from the secret bachelor pad he shares with a female ‘friend’ 15 years his junior, former UKIP leader Nigel Farage endorsed Mr Nuttall: “I’ve known Paul for a number of weeks, and he is exactly the kind of right-wing thug the people of Stoke should be voting for if they hate foreigners and straight bananas.”

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Paul Nuttall vows to follow in Farage’s footsteps by repeatedly failing to get elected

Paul Nuttall PhD has big plans to follow in the footsteps of Nigel Farage by repeatedly failing to get elected to the UK parliament, it  has emerged.

Professor Nuttall, who replaced Nigel Farage as leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party in December, has made taking Labour seats in the north and midlands a top priority, and has pledged to make UKIP the “party of working class racists who agree with my secret plan to privatise the NHS”.

The academic turned politician also told Newscrasher: “If Labour’s Andy Burnham wins the Manchester mayoral election and steps down as an MP triggering a by-election, I would run there too.”

“Doing so would give an additional opportunity for the public to reject the my hateful politics and those of my sinister, quasi-fascist party.”

A spokesperson for the Stoke Central Constituency Labour Party said: “We welcome Paul Nuttall to stand against our candidate here in Stoke. Having a racist twat like Mr. Nuttall hanging around would only serve to make our candidate look even better.”

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BBC broadcasts Nuremberg rally footage instead of Question Time, and nobody notices a difference

The BBC have inadvertently broadcast footage from Adolf Hitler’s 1933 Nuremburg  rally in place of Question Time and nobody noticed a difference, it has emerged.

UKIP Leader Paul Nuttall said: “I tuned in to BBC1 expecting to watch a studio full of people blaming all our problems on immigrants and remain voters. So it was a pleasant surprise that instead of the scheduled live broadcast of Question Time, the BBC appeared to have inadvertently shown one full hour of Adolf Hitler speaking to a Nazi horde at Nuremberg in the 1930s.”

“Although my political ideals are quite similar to those of the Nazis, I would like to emphasize that there are some big differences that I would like potential enemies of the state to keep in mind.”

“Unlike the Nazis, I am pushing for fascism to be instituted in Britain in the year 2016, not in 1930s Germany.”

However, not all viewers were happy with the BBC’s mistake. Chris Bumfield from Milton Keynes told Newscrasher: “It took me twenty minutes to realise that I was watching a far right politician scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in the 1930s, instead of the expected BBC programme showing far right politicians scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in 2016.”

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