Tag Archives: philip hammond

Sprinklers only work in luxurious apartments of the rich, says Chancellor

Sprinklers only work properly when fitted in the luxurious apartments of the rich, Philip Hammond has claimed.

Speaking on the BBC, the chancellor said: “There is no real evidence that sprinklers would have quenched the fire in Grenfell Tower, or that non-flammable cladding would have hindered the rapid spread of the flames.”

“Sprinklers are only known to be effective when installed in luxury apartments where well-off Conservative voters live, but the evidence is unclear as to the effectiveness of such systems in social housing where poorer people live.”

“Likewise, things like highly flammable cladding, faulty wiring or dangerously narrow escape routes are only a safety risk to rich people. However, in the context of council flats where Labour voters sometimes live, it is better to think of those so-called risks as design features instead of safety hazards.”

Former Minister for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, praised the Hammond’s defence of the indefensible, saying: “The Chancellor is correct to talk shit on national television about sprinklers not putting out fires where poor people live, many of whom are on benefits and do not have the luxury of claiming tens of thousands in expenses like I do.”

“There are a number of complex reason why dozens of innocent people died in the Grenfell fire, including poor lifestyle choices and not arriving at the local Jobcente on time.”

“Daily Mail readers can rest assured that in the coming days I will be on the prowl inside the burnt shell of the tower, searching for dead bodies to declare fit for work, and the melted fat from the bodies will make a lovely soap to sell in Fortnum and Mason.”


Philip Hammond won’t publish tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’

Philip Hammond believes that he shouldn’t have to publish his tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’, it has emerged.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is understood to be considering publishing details of his earnings and tax avoidance, after Jeremy Corbyn published his own tax return and challenged the Tory front bench to do the same.

However,  Hammond remains defiant: “Taxes are for the little people, not wealthy government ministers like me who are too good to use public services like the NHS.”

“I don’t really give a fuck what voters think about my financial situation and whether or not I pay my taxes honestly. There’s not very much in the way of tax avoidance in my return anyway.”

“Now that we Tories have a major fake news outlet like the BBC fighting for us, we barely have to worry about the opposition these days.”

“And thanks in part to how good the BBC has become at holding the unelectable, unpatriotic opposition to account, people who are quite stupid will keep on voting for us no matter what.”

“I’ll probably just sit tight for a while and watch the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg try to smear Jeremy Corbyn over nonexistent mistakes in his tax return.”