Tag Archives: PMQ

Theresa May to embark on career in stand up comedy

After her comedic success in Parliament, the Prime Minister is now considering a career in stand up comedy, it has been revealed.

Theresa May said: “My wooden delivery of a succession of low quality scripted jokes, when I should have been answering questions about serious issues such as poverty and housing, caused significant mirth and chortling from the toffs on the benches behind me.”

“However, it is possible that my Conservative colleagues were laughing instead at the thought of killing large numbers of disabled people, and plunging yet more children into poverty through our cruel austerity policies.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, whose fawning and uncritical coverage of Mrs. May has raised eyebrows in some quarters, described the PM’s performance as “a masterclass in batting away the trifling concerns of the undeserving poor, to focus on bigger issues like whether Jeremy Corbyn is a communist vampire antichrist and a traitor who will be the death of us all.”

Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson was also impressed, saying: “I’ll support anything that makes Jeremy look bad, because I fucking hate him. His intention to improve the lives of the poor, the sick, the homeless, and even rail passengers is fucking disgusting.”

Mr Watson added: “Beware Jeremy Corbyn’s left wing mind control rays. Wear your aluminium foil hat at all times.”

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Theresa May in U-turn over nude PMQ appearance

The Prime Minister has now abandoned all plans to attend Parliament fully nude, it has emerged.

Mrs. May is said to have told key allies of plans to rush through a raft of measures ranging from surveillance of what people do in their lavatories, to logging the preferred gender and body-type of those who view internet pornography, in order to fight terrorism and thought crime.

The Prime Minister was said to be very keen to make her argument as convincing as possible, and had planned to use the classic ‘if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear’ argument, all while standing completely nude at the dispatch box.

It is not clear when or why Theresa May backed away from her planned nude appearance in Parliament. However, an anonymous cabinet member has suggested that cost may have been an issue, with Mrs. May’s husband reportedly being unhappy at having to pay out for a significant makeover for his wife at a time when he is trying to increase his shareholding in several companies that are poised to take over the soon to be outsourced NHS and Trident nuclear deterrent.

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